Last Gladiator Standing

Last Gladiator Standing II!

2007-04-24T10:47:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody, there's a new season of Last Gladiator Standing! Click the link and check out Last Gladiator Standing II, on the Inter.N.E.T right now!

Last Gladiator Standing Unplugged

2006-09-06T21:33:00.000-05:00

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, twelve brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Welcome to Last Gladiator Standing unplugged. I wanted to share with the audience a little behind the scenes look at the show. This is by no means a clip show cheaply and hastily put together to try to get one more week's worth of high ratings. A lot of thought and detail went into this hastily put together show to get one more week's worth of high ratings.

I'll start with a quick rundown of the challenges. I want to let you people know where some of these ideas came from as well as a few that didn't quite make it.

1. Fight The Robot. I wanted to start the whole thing off with a bang and do something physical. I really couldn't make all the challenges about fighting, but I thought this one worked. Obviously, I came up with the idea of the robot mirroring your own abilities to give a challenge to the meta powered and "regular" contestants alike. The shutdown sensors were another parameter set up to give a definite conclusion to the match other than someone trashing the hel out of one.

2. Race Across Hacknor. JawaJuice had a similar challenge for Survivor Tatooine. This is a bit of a rip off, but it's also another physical challenge that all of the contestants could compete in. I made a serious attempt to create a map for it, but that fell through fairly quickly, hence the scratchy piece of garbage that you ended up with. I thought it worked out pretty well and it was the only challenge where I actually had to determine a 1st place.

3. Eating Contest with Starky. The genesis of this challenge hails from the show Fear Factor. They're always eating disgusting food and I had a character from my blog established who cooked awful food.

4. Sidekicks. Another thing that established on my blog is the obnoxious sidekick. If I had to have a grating, unfunny number two, it's only fair that everyone else did as well.

5. Make Fluke Laugh. My original idea for this was to entertain a bunch of kids, which has been used on other reality shows (notably Last Comic Standing). When Fluke agreed to guest host, it quickly devolved into make him laugh.

6. Tour Guide. Another challenge that I saw on last Comic Standing. I liked the idea of entertaining a busload of rubes.

7. Confront Your Mirror Counterpart. One of my story arcs in my blog was Jon's battle with his evil universe twin. It's a well-worn science fiction convention and I thought everyone had really good takes on it. Although my intent was to have people meet in the room, everyone basically took off into his or her evil counterpart's universe. With hilarious results!

8. Call A Match. Not sure where this came from. Basically it was a setup for the next challenge.

9. Clean up The Arena. Pro wrestling's origins are in circus tents and smoky halls. Wrestlers often had to set up their own rings and clean up after. This is that idea taken to the next, disgusting, level.

10. Gender Reversal. You can credit Simon with this one. I had a few ideas, but this one really struck me as a great challenge. Of course, the change had to be temporary, but it also had a lot of potential to go a bunch of different directions.

11. Thunderdome Of Bad Gimmicks. I had to incorporate real-life wrestlers into this one. There are so many bad gimmicks that have been used over the years, I barely scratched the surface. Hard to find photos for some of them, though.

12. Challenge Grab Bag. I wanted to make the final one a bigger challenge than previous. Making it a grab bag like this forced the contestants to come up with their own idea and run with it.

Now some that didn't quite make it:

Entertain the kids. Became make Fluke Laugh.

Build a Battlebot. I thought this would be a good idea, but it was also a little close to fighting the robot. Additionally, where would contestants go with it? "I built a robot. It has a flame thrower." doesn't have as much entertainment value as the challenges that were used, I think.

Battlebot Tournament. This would have been the follow up to building a battlebot. The logistics of figuring out who would win and how someone could get immunity were a little too much.

Bananaphone! My thought was to have the ghost of Jo Jo the Monkeyboy lock everyone in a room and have the song "Bananaphone" playing over and over again. I scrapped that plan because I didn't actually want to read a bunch of posts about the song.

Treasure Hunt. This was a good idea, but it was also similar to the race. I probably could have used it, but obviously I didn't. Maybe Last Gladiator Standing II.

That's it for the challenges. Other thoughts are that I am honestly surprised over the final vote, but having Erifia and Henchman, two of the newer blogs out there, battle it out at the end was great. I am not sure what the deal was with having to boot some of the contestants early. That got annoying as did having to constantly hound a couple people to get them to post. I understand that real life gets in the way and I felt kind of stupid asking people where their posts to my goofy contest were, but there you go. Morpheus remains a mystery to me as the writer seemed to really want to participate but then completely disappeared after one post. Legolas’ non-judging was obnoxious as well, but as it quickly became a non factor, I don’t care to comment on it any further.

On my part, I don't think that I explained the concept as well as I could have at the beginning. I kind of thought people would pick it up quickly because this was already done with Survivor Tatooine and Big Brother Naboo. In any case, once everyone got into the swing it went smooth as Velveeta on a silk stocking.

So saddle up everyone, you're invited to throw in your own two cents. What worked for you? What didn't you like? Have a drink at the LGS Bar while you're at it, Hudson's buying.

So Long

2006-09-06T21:31:00.000-05:00

I regret not being able to compete in this game for as long as others did, but I'm happy that everyone had fun doing this...

The couple of lame posts I did do, I had fun doing. Brilliant idea for a game show/blog on Jon's part, so props to him.
I love the idea of doing another one, and look forward to that.

Not much else to say from me but congratulations to everyone who competed. You all did a marvelous job, and it's amazing that we have such creative writers and individuals here with us.
You're all winners; no one loses, and so on and so forth...

On that note, I leave you with:
Goodbye may seem forever,
Farwell is like the end,
But in my heart's the memories,
And there, we'll always be.
*cheesy*

Cheers, Erifia.

To A Job Well Done.

2006-09-04T15:29:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

I would like to say congratulate, Erifia. Good show.

I would like to thank Jon.

Things I will take with me:

1. I beat almost all of the good guys.

2. Hudson's credit card.

3. A friendship with Tak (You rule).

4. Maggie

Haw Haw.

Dental for all.

Last Gladiator Standing rules.

Last Gladiator Standing: and the winner is...

2006-09-01T17:50:00.000-05:00

This is it folks. The votes are all in and we have ourselves a winner.

And we'll let you know who it is right after these messages.

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We're back. Let's get right to the winner. The last two contestants are Local Henchman and Erifia Apoc. I think that we can all agree that everyone's a little surprised that these two made it to this level, but we're all very proud of them.

Let's take a closer look at them shall we? Here's the wild Jedi herself:

I smiled at it, and it threw its saber at me. I grabbed it with my own control of the force and tossed the saber far into the air, and when it threw the second one, I knew it was toast, because I threw it away again. "You seem like a good droid, I hate to kill you." With a midsection slice, and a thrust with my upper saber, the droid exploded into tiny bits.

"I don't know you, I'm afraid," I said.

"I am The Magnificant Becca. I have chosen you."

"No, it doesn't work like that, I pick you."

"No, I'm afraid I have chosen you. You should really start listening to everything that gets said."

"So, what's your catch phrase."

"I don't know."

"You're supposed to have one."

"Right, 'I don't know.'"

"No, see you are supposed to know, you have to have a catch phrase or I fail."

"Right, 'I don't know.'"

Decapodians, filthy nasty creatures. There are remains of food, and solient green, and force knows what else. Like there was a full buffet tossed over, and they were still eating... I rubbed my chin... Maybe this could be easier than I thought...

"Hey," I said to their leader, "I have a deal for you... I will give you and your people fifty bags of wookie hair, fleas and ticks, if you eat everything around you, and make it sparkle."

Erifia Apoc everybody, give her a hand. We'll show you Henchy next. Right after these messages.

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We're back. Let's show you a little something about our Local Henchman. He may be a nobody in a nameless, faceless legion, but he's number one in our hearts:

Ladies and Gents,

The Hover bike race was about to start and I had 2 problems; The map looked like a kid threw up on a paper towel and the bike that Jon provided stunk.

HHhmmm....I called up The Hacknor Home Shopping Network and they delivered this:

Sweet, isn't it.

Hudson asked how I could afford it, I handed back his credit card. (He was still putting money on it) and said "thanks".

432: Right, as we see Ignignokt and Err or in the ring. Stewie is running down the ram.

M.G.: Oh my god. He's taking them both on, Stewie is a house on fire.

432: Look at him go. I've heard Stewie was an expert at 2 on 1, but thought that ment something different.

M.G.: This type of action is only on Hacknor World Wrestling.

Hacknor World Wresting get the gladiator out.

432: Oh no the numbers game has caught up to Stewie.

M.G.: They are giving Stewie a savage beating.

432: Wait a minute, wait a minute...here comes Brian.Here comes Brian.

M.G.: Oh no, this is unbelievable. Brian is just standing there.

432: I never thought this would happen. Wait...wait. Oh no Brian hits Stewie.Brian hits Stewie.

M.G.: what a betrayal.

432: This is the greatest crime in the history of mankind.

M.G. I concur.Wait what's this...Stewie is up. Stewie is up...

432: Wow, this guy is amazing. He really giving it to Brian.

Bane pumps up the Venom "This is a new mix, to make me even stronger."

" I don't care."

Lighting cracks the sky.

We storm towards each other.

Bane tries to get a grip, I twist his wrist to the outside. I follow with a clothesline.

I let him get up.

"Very good. You know how to fight." He say as he pumps more venom into his system.

He grows.

It doesn't help.

I hit Bane with everything; Punches, kicks, open hand, closed fists, elbows,knees and the ground.

As I clutch his neck. I beat his face to a purple mess. To hell with Jon's rules. I am going to kill him.

How about that? The Local Henchman, everyone. We'll let you know who the winner is right after this important commercial message. Hey don't blame me, I'm just satirizing all the other reality shows!

Coming soon to a telemonitor near you.

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OK everybody, we're back. I know this is the moment that we've all been waiting for.

Henchy, Erifia, this is it.

The moment, the magic, the time to let you know who the winner is.

And we'll let you know right after these messages -- I'm just kidding!

The winner of the competition and a signed copy of Tales of the Unexpected is

None other than....

The person I am naming below...

Who is...

...Before I tell you who the winner is, I just wanted to take a moment to thank Simon for agreeing to be a judge for the whole contest.

Simon was created when I asked one of the character bloggers to be a judge. He (or she) didn't want to participate in the game itself because she (or he) didn't think that he (or she) had enough time for it. So Simon was created to be a full-time judge which, ironically, was probably more work than being a contestant would have been.

As a token of thanks, I would like to also send a signed copy of the book to Simon.

Thanks Simon, you snarky priss.

And so, without further ado.

The winner of Last Gladiator Standing is...

The person below...

Whose name is...

Erifia Apoc you are the Last Gladiator Standing. Congratulations.

You win the book, a free supply of Hovercycle Wax, and dinner for you and Private Hudson at the Hacknor Season's Hotel.

A Subtle Rebuttal

2006-08-30T14:07:00.000-05:00

In response to Henchy's character assassination...

Henchman stated, "Erifia hates you. She leads children into her Ginger bread house. "

I say, I don't hate you. At all.

And those children had it coming, they kept pulling on my Lekkus, so I had to take them and let them eat something to leave me alone.

Henchman claimed, "Erifia pimps Stewie."

Yeah... Okay? So. He asked me to. He wanted an adult to sell him out.

Henchman said, "Erifia kicks puppies."

I love to! More than most things. Especially those poodles, and the little yippy dogs that go, "Yap Yap Yap!"

I have punting competitions with people like Vegeta.

Henchman said, "Erifia hates your teeth. She feeds hard candy to the homeless and makes them fight for canned yams."

I don't hate your teeth, honestly. But I do feed hard candy to the homeless, its usually all I have on my person that's food.

And when I make them fight for canned yams, I charge admission, and then I give the credits I make to the nearby homeless shelter.

He also yelled, "Vote Henchy!"

When he said this, he was very drunk, see what he actually meant to say, (Had he not hit the liquors so hard) was...

VOTE ERIFIA!

If you'll excuse me, I've got to go kiss hands and shake babies... Scratch that... Reverse it,

Hugs (For the Girls) and Kisses (For the Boys),
Erifia Apoc

The Final Challenge, the Vote

2006-08-29T22:03:00.000-05:00

This is it folks. All contestants and judges email me at joninterglad@hotmail.com to vote your choice for Last Gladiator Standing.

Will it be Erifia or Henchman?

You decide!

Last Gladiator Standing was brought to you in part by the New and Improved Deer Gun.

The New and Improved Deer Gun, get one!

Vote Henchy

2006-08-29T20:06:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

I ask that you ...

Vote Henchy!

Henchman aims to be the Last Gladiator Standing

Erifia hates you. She leads children into her Ginger bread house.

Erifia pimps Stewie.

Erifia kicks puppies.

Henchman wants Dental for all.

Erifia hates your teeth. She feeds hard candy to the homeless and makes them fight for canned yams.

So for the good of life as we know it.

Vote Henchy!

This was paid for in part of vote henchy.

Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Final Challenge! (Part Three)

2006-08-26T09:03:00.000-05:00

Part 3 of 3

Read here to find out what lead to this.

I woke, I dawned all of my new clothes, and my new sabers. I received a message.

“Darth Inferna. You are to report on Genosis. Count Dooku needs your assistance in battling against the clones and Mace Windu.” Said a heavily cloaked figure.

“Do I have to call you master? Its very sexual sounding coming from me a woman, and at the same time demeaning putting a man above me…”

“Uh… Uhm… You may call me Sir… But don’t let it get out.”

“Yessir. I will assist Dorko immeadiatly…”

“Dorko…” he laughed, “I love it.”

“Uhm… Sir. One quick question. Who are you and Where may I find you?”

“Clever Darth Inferna. But I know you will go back to being a Jedi tomorrow. I can’t tell you that.”

“Okay…” I sighed.

I kicked my Langorian Ship into its special Hyper Thrusters. I arrived at Genosis from Hacknor in a moment’s time.

Then I paused. I had seen something. I put the ship in reverse. On a nearby meteor a kid was sucking on a lollypop and waiting for the space-bus.

I got out, and he looked at me wide eyed. I grabbed his lolly-pop and threw it out of the protective air barrier. He began to cry.

“Heeheheheheheeee.” I laughed gleefully… Really need to work on my Sith Laugh.

I got back on my ship, and went back to Genosis. I landed. It was odd, walking into a droid controlled compound.

Droids. Who can’t feel fear, were afraid of me. Well. The Jedi Me. I had killed so many of them, it was like a virus programmed into their computers.

Dorko arrived to great me.

“It’s a pleasure to have you with us Darth Inferna.”

“Where are they and who do I have to kill?”

“They are beyond the compound walls, and there are quite a few of them.”

I walked past him, and extended my two red lightsabers and I rushed forward.

The first clone near me said, “Its Darth Inferna. All on her.”

My how word travels. I threw both sabers, and began to spin them around me in a hurricane of red light. Clone after clone fell. Right and left.

Several of them began to fire, quite a few snipers. With my hurricane of red sabers, I had a protective barrier. I grabbed a pistol from a fallen clone, and I held it steady, and released five well placed shot as the five clones all fell landing with a thud at the bottom of the cliffs.

“Whew… I’m done for the day. If I had any hatred for the Republic it was all gone after that mess,” I said aloud to a droid who kind of looked at me funny.

I threw one of my sabers and embedded it in his chrome CNS. I called it back.

“Darth Inferna, hold your fire,” another computer voice spoke.

“I’m a sith, I’ll kill you droids if I want to,” They all took a reflexive step back.

I began to walk backwards, then I felt a familiar presence and saw a purple saber from the corner of my eye.

“Windu…” I saw him. He saw me. We met eyes.

I reached out with force choke, and he avoided it. He rushed forward, and I blocked his blade with mine, and I made a thrust for his stomach. He jumped back.

“You’re much better than any sith I’ve ever met…”

“That’s because, I am better.” I guess I need to work on my sith witty banter.

He leapt into the air and came screaming down. I took a step to the side and he fell face first into the dirt.

“Now to put you six feet under it Jedi!” That was better. Then I released my villainous laugh, “Muhahahahahaha!” Much better.

I released a couple fist fulls of Force Lightning. It struck him, and he coughed, and rolled over. I didn’t stay to see if he would make it out alive. I thought it was like a tradition.

I walked back to Dorko.

“You’re amazing.”

“No. You suck. That bad. Now. I’ve got to go. Goodbye.”

“But Inferna… I love you.”

I pretended I didn’t hear him, I didn’t want to hear him and I went to my ship.

If you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to LGS, and attone for my sins,

Sith Hugs and Sith Kisses,
Darth Inferna

Note to self - When I’m a jedi again, I’m going to make sure I get those poor clone’s memories imprinted on a tabula rosa set of clones.

Final Challenge! (Part two)

2006-08-25T13:05:00.000-05:00

Part 2 of 3

Read here to find out what lead to this.

I woke bright and early. Time to become a Sith. When Becca the Magnificant walked into the room, I had to do double take. She looked weird.

“Becca, what have you done?”

“I don’t know… I guess since you became Sith, I had to become a minion, right?”

“Okay… So what is the first and most important part about being a Sith?”

“I don’t know…Your Midi-Chlorians all being in line with the dark side… Having the negative emotions to fuel them?” She asked.

“WRONG! Your name. That’s what really make a Sith, is the name. It has nothing to do with Midi-Chlorians…”

“I don’t know… It would make more sense…”

“No, No, No. I mean if someone has the name Darth Maul. Than you know they are tough, right? Or… At least somewhat tough.”

“You mean Herbert?”

“What?”

“That’s his first name, Herbert Maul… I don’t know…”

“No wonder the dude is twisted, okay, how’d you know that?”

“I don’t know… Internet.” She responded.

“What about Darth Apoc?”

“I don’t know… Not every threatening. What about Darth Erifia?”

“Yuck. I wouldn’t soil my good name with that…”

“But Apoc is your name…”

“That’s my dad’s name.”

“Okay… So a name. Uhm… I don’t know…”

“Darth Firerage.”

“Why don’t you just name yourself Dark Lady Firerage and go to Middle Earth?”

“What?”

“I don’t know…” She looked really innocent.

“What do you think? No. Don’t answer that. I will come up with a name. Darth Inferna.”

“Wow… I like it…”

“So do I, That is wicked Badness.”

“I don’t know… You don’t look like a Sith Lady. You look more like a Jedi. You need to change your look, lose the third lekku…”

“How about I decide… Let’s start with a picture of myself at nighttime…”

“Now I need my Third Lekku, but lets make it a snaky looking thing.”

“Now, we need a change of outfit…”

“Now, I need some wicked bad red lightsabers.”

Amazing. I look pretty wicked evil… I like it. It’s a new look for me. Now…

If you’ll excuse me, I need to find these clothes and do makeup and find another red lightsaber, and a whole host of other things…

Sexy Hugs and Tight kisses… Scratch that, reverse it,
Darth Inferna

Ps. 9

Final Challenge! (Part one)

2006-08-24T23:03:00.000-05:00

A challenge in three parts.

I stood, a length of floor between me and my challenge. Well… Really between me and choosing my next challenge. I walked up to it.

“Don’t I know you from somewhere?” I asked it.

“Know me you do not,
Now reach in, give it a shot.” It spoke.

“Are you sure? You’re the Harr-“

“Do not speak of that,
Reach your hand into this hat.”

“You’re double dipping… Aren’t you? Okay. I’ll reach in and pick a challenge.”

“What is this?” I asked.

“Put it in instead of his task,
Now pick again, I won’t ask.”

“That’s annoying, okay…” So I reached in and grabbed another sheet of paper. I read it aloud, “Ask your sidekick to tell their life story. No.” I shoved it back in.

“Do that you can not,
Haven’t you been taught?”

“I have but I don’t want to listen to fifteen hours of ‘I don't know.’” I reached in again, and I read it again, “Make the players Race through Hacknor. Did Jon use this to pick our challenges?”

“Jon this hat did use,
And my power you abuse.”

“Shut up you stupid hat,” I reached in and grabbed another, “Become the opposite sex. No, I am picking another.”

“If you get caught,
We will both be shot.
Whatever this time you pick,
Is with what you will stick.”

I grabbed it out and I read it, and I went to a paler shade of sky blue.

“What did you get?
Don’t keep us in suspense.”

“I’ve got bad news, and I’ve got worse news. The Bad news is, your rhyming meter is off, The worse news is my challenge, ‘If you are a Jedi, you must Become a Sith. You have one day to prepare, and the next day to be.’”

If you’ll excuse me, I have to go get a good night’s sleep as a Jedi…

Jedi Hugs and Force Kisses,
Erifia Apoc

This Is It.

2006-08-24T12:32:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

This is it. The one for all the marbles.

The end of the L.G.S.

What is the final challenge...

To pick some thing out of a hat...

You have to be kidding me. Maybe I will fight a dragon or something cool.

Ok. I place my hand in the hat.

I get...

...

...

Dr.Phil.

What the Heck. I have to go on the Dr.Phil show.

"Jon". I scream at the top of my lungs.

I turn and see Hudson hand Jon a ten spot. Jon, is laughing his head off.

I sigh and shake my head. The Show will be done on Hacknor. It will happen tomorrow.

Dr.P. : " Now welcome our guest for today. Last Gladiator Standing finalist, Henchman."

* Lights going on for the Audience to boo*

Boo.

Dr.Phil smiles off camera. Then says." Now, now. Let's give this unfortunate young man a chance, here."

H.M. : "Thanks."

I am going to kill you, Jon. Kill you dead.

D.P. : " Come here son, and explain yourself."

H.M. : "Excuse me."

D.P. : " All this bad behavior, Did Daddy not love you. Or a you just a bad seed."

I look around shocked. This guy doesn't know me, but he's gunning for it.

D.P. : "Answer the question."

H.M. : " Just who the hell do you think you are? " I ask with my temper rising.

D.P. : "Why all the anger. I am going straightin' you out boy."

D.P. : "Right after this break."

I start to shake.

D.P. : " Ok, we are back."

D.P. : "Henchy, you need to take control of your life. Stop blaming other for problems and get you act together."

* Lights goes on for applause .*

I lose it.

I grab the "Quack" by his neck.

H.M. : "Listen you goofy little bastard, I will not let you tear me down for ratings."

H.M. : "Am I a bad guy? Yes. Do I want your help ? No."

Dr. Phil start gurling.

H.M. : "Do I have issues ? Yes. But, I have friends to talk to, that want to help me in my life."

H.M. : "If I have problem, I will go to them. I will not be yelled at by a balding moron."

I toss "Dr.Phil" into a trash can. The Crowd goes bonkers and carries me on the their shoulders. Cheering.

Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

The Final Challenge

2006-08-22T19:57:00.000-05:00

"The last two.

This will be your toughest challenge yet."

Jon pulls out a hat and holds it out upside-down towards the two contestants.

"What is that?"

"It's a hat, Erifia."

"That's fairly obvious. What about it?"

"This hat, Henchie, is your challenge. Or rather, your challenge is within it."

"The challenge is in the hat?"

"It's in that hat. How about that?"

"Hmph."

"Within this hat are several pieces of paper. Written on each of those pieces of paper is a challenge. You are to take one piece of paper and complete the challenge on it."

"Unbelievable."

"Oh yes, this challenge could be anything. You may have to take Hudson out for ice cream sodas or you may have to tap dance for Queen Galacta. You may even have to babysit some monkeyboys. Who knows."

"You've got to be joking."

"Nope, I'm serious. Furthermore, all of the contestants as well as judges will judge this challenge. Who's going first? What will the challenge be? Will it be the lady or the tiger? That's a literary reference."

"No duh."

Last Gladiator Standing was brought to you by Tales of the Unexpected.

Buy this at Amazon.com
Buy this at Publish America

Corruption of the Ignorant

2006-08-21T21:42:00.000-05:00

“Really? I heard you could get up to 40 miles per gallon on those things,” Simon orated, taking a sip of his iced tea. It was one of the few times that his honed small-talking skills came in handy.

It was truly a beautiful day on the backwoods planet. The recent heat wave inflaming Hacknor’s fragile, paper-thin atmosphere had finally dissipated. Definitely time to just lay back and enjoy the summer. A few feet away, Simon could see Hudson floating by in an inner tube, sporting a pair of old-man sunglasses and a jumpsuit. Next to Simon, Randy Porkins downed yet another Pepsi. Ah, how he loves his diet wild cherry Pepsi. He purses his lips for another delicious, refreshing blast of flavor... but... what the dillio?!

“Hey!” Randy cried, interrupting their unimportant conversation regarding Yoda’s decision to purchase a hybrid war elephant. “This can is empty!”

“Of course it is, you silly man,” Simon laughed, bringing his own brimming beverage up to meet his own chapped, chapped lips. “You’ve drunk the whole thing! Ha, you and your soda-hunger!”

“No, man, I didn’t... I didn’t finish... what is this?!” he turned the can upside down and squinted hard. “It looks like someone drilled a hole in the side of the can!”

“No need to thank me!” I screamed, clamping my cold, clammy hands down on each of their necks at the same time. Randy let off a “ho, woah!” and did a double take. Simon wasn’t so fortunate and spent about thirty seconds coughing iced tea out his nose, convulsing like a slug under a salt-o-scope.

♪ Clammy hands... I've got those clammy hands... ♬

“You!” Simon gasped mid-cough. “How did you get past security?!”

“There’s no time for that, man!” I shouted, pointing at Hudson’s inner tube; unscrewing the cap off a water bottle, Hudson raised it slowly... almost too slowly. “That man is out of time!”

Deploying my disintegration field generator, I fired a pinkish beam (is there any other kind?) at the colonial marine. A split-second before his mouth met with the plastic rim, Hudson’s water bottle vanished, its atoms scattered about the cosmos like so many neutrinos.

“My Evian!” Hudson screamed, accidentally capsizing the tube. I turned back to Simon and Randy. Surely Hudson could swim. He was, after all, captain of his high school lifeguarding team.

“Do you see?! Do you see now why it was so important to prevent you from drinking that Pepsi?!”

“Because... you’d vaporize us if we did?”

“No,” I groaned, pulling a blackboard out of my pocket. With a pretty big piece of orange chalk, I drew a tulip, and a catfish. “There!”

Randy rooted around in the cooler for another Pepsi. Little did he know they were all completely drained. Simon was paying a lot more attention to the board, as his inquisitive nature demonstrated.

“What do these two things have in common?” I asked, tapping the tulip and catfish, respectively. “Anyone?”

“They’re both poorly drawn.”

I shook my head in disgust, crocodile tears rolling down my spray-painted cheeks. The rubber radiation suit squeaked as it contoured to my spine.

“Back in the 16^th century, the tulip saw Europe for the first time.” I rapped the board hungrily. “The lowest part of Europe, actually. The Netherlands.”

“The Netherlands are located in the northern-”

I didn’t turn my head back to yell at Simon, but I assumed from the abrupt delimitation of his sentence that Randy had intervened. Possibly a stare, perhaps a hand gesture. Either way, it was immaterial.

“When tulips first reached Europe, they were seen as worthless rubbish. In fact, the word ‘tulip’ comes from the Manx word ‘umogo’ which roughly translates as ‘superconductive metallic fluid.’”

“Was this before or after the English War of the Tulips?” asked Simon. If I’d been paying attention, I would’ve noticed the glazed look in his eyes. Months of working with me had allowed him to hone his ability to tune out non sequiturs and instead adapt them temporarily to his logical faculties. Randy hadn’t mastered that yet, so instead stuck to the old “chameleon” trick, blending as closely into the background as he could.

“After, but time travel was used to get tulips back to 11^th century Scotland.”

“Of course! How could I have been so flame retardant?”

“It’s easy at your age,” I agreed, causing him to make the most saccharine face I’d ever seen on a judge.

I reached for another piece of chalk, yellow this time, and drew something that looked a little like Captain Crunch.

“This is—or rather, he was—the king of the Netherlands at the time tulips hit. At first, everyone loved them. The economy went... through the roof!” I yelled, shooting off a bottle rocket. Everyone loves bottle rockets! Go, rockets, go!

“And the king... did he ratchet the price of a single tulip bulb up to a thousand florins... out of spite?” Randy asked. He was finally starting to understand.

“Yes! The king of the Netherlands personally raised the price of tulips up to unimaginable levels just to cause an inevitable economic collapse!”

“But golly, professor,” Simon pondered, “why would the king want to go and do something like that for?”

He was jealous... jealous of their eyes.

“I don’t know, Timmy. I really don’t know.” I bowed my head. “Wait, I do know!”

Tapping the board nonchalantly, I smiled at Simon and Randy’s expectant faces. “The catfish.”

“What about the catfish?” Randy asked, gripping the cushion of his poolside recliner.

“The catfish...” I began, peering over them.

“Yes?!” They both shouted in unison.

“The catfish... are a tasty treat from Louisiana.”

Their smiles instantly faded, turning into bitter confusion. Sliding my hands into my pockets, I handed Randy a photo of a panda, dressed in a tutu. As I walked away, I could hear Randy stuttering.

“I... I j-just wanted a Pepsi!”

“I know, big guy. I know. Professor!” He called. “Professor, what about all the cans of soda you drilled through?!”

“Subterfuge!” I shouted back, as my jet-powered time machine began to chime. As far as I could tell from the dials and cathodes, emptying all those cans had prevented World War III, and retroactively prevented World War II. It’s a good thing I care so much. And I do care... so much... about everyone.

It’s a shame it’s my destiny to destroy the world by making Superman retire. But the oracle is never wrong.

AOC: Heading Home

2006-08-21T14:38:00.000-05:00

I am in my LGS room packing up the few belongings. MiniTak is helping me pack stuff up.

“So boss man, What you going to do now?” He asks

“The usual. Go back to Coruscant and await my next assignment. Other then that just lick my wounds and move on.” I reply unhappily

“Well, at least you have the credits that the Henchman won for you. So it not a total loss.”

“Yeah, about that money …” I start

"I am just getting excited about how much fun we are going got have when we get back to your home!” MiniTak is almost jumping up and down.

Oh Man this is going to be hard. “Mini, you know I can’t take you back. We are not allowed to have sidekick in the Grand Army of the Republic. In a way we are the sidekick or more likely the “redshirts”

“So what that mean boss man, you going to put me up in a apartment? That would be great. My own place. Could I get minibar. Ha Ha I made a joke, boss man.” MiniTak responded happily

“No. You have to stay here on Hacknor. I can’t take you back. It would take years for you just too clear customs. You will need to start a new life here.” I explained

MiniTak start to get agitated, “But boss man, what will I do? I am not going back to that Freaking Sidekick tent, No way no how. And I don’t want to end up with those stupid monkey boys. What will I do? ”

“I have already talked to Jon. He said there are jobs around here for you that are non-side kick related. They need mini-bus driver, mini skirt models, mini-bike mechanics, mini-cam operators, Mini Coopers salesman and of course Minibar tenders.” I tell him

“But boss man …” He starts with a twinge in his voice

“No buts, my little friend. Coruscant and the life of a trooper is no way for you to live. I am also giving you all the money I made, so you can get started. I am positive you will do great.”

MiniTak sniffs a little, “I guess you are right! It will be neat to be my one guy for the first time. Maybe I’ll take that Minibar tender job, then I might get a little on the side.”

I just smile at him as I shoulder my kit, “That'll do, MiniTak. That'll do.”

My choice...

2006-08-21T07:45:00.000-05:00

"Becca, help me..." I pleaded.

"With what boss?"

"Look, I've got to pick who I go to the final round with, and I've been thinking about it since last night when Jon announced me as the winner..."

"So... What have you been thinking?"

"Who should I take to the final round with me? There is Henchman and Tak."

"Isn't Tak that one clone trooper who works for... Uhm... I don't know..."

"Lt. Cmdr. Oneida?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay. So it is, I don't understand where you are going with this Becca."

"I don't know."

Somehow, I knew that was going to be her answer.

She spoke again, "Look Boss, its like this... Uhm... I don't know."

"Oh just shoot me in the head Becca..."

So Becca withdrew a blaster and pointed it at my head.

"BECCA!" I screamed, "ITS AN EXPRESSION!"

"Oh... As I was like, saying... Its like this... You and Tak are friends, right?"

"Yes, I consider him the only clone who is my freind, why?"

"What if the last competition is to fight with each other to the death?"

"Jon would do something like that..."

"I don't know..."

"So you're saying, rather than either being killed by Tak or killing Tak and never being able to live with myself, I should take someone who I only know from this show..."

"I don't know..."

I wanted to hit her, "Becca, so I should take Henchman?"

"I don't know..."

"So I should take Tak?"

"I don't know..."

"I'm going to go talk to the Tauntaun."

I walked over to his room but he was asleep. I left my ship, and went into the barracks.

"Erifia Apoc, report to Jon's office..." I heard over the intercom.

I walked slowly, very slowly, up to Jon's office...

Whoever said this was easy, was lying. I walked up to Jon's office...

"Hello Erifia, please sit down."

I sat down, and I looked at him.

"Who is it? Who are you taking to the final round?"

"Jon stop! Give me time..."

"You've had time, I know its a rough decision, but choose..."

"I can't believe I am going to listen to Becca but-"

"So you're going with 'I don't know'?"

"Funny Jon... No... I am..."

"Are you crying?!"

"I never cry. I'm Erifia Apoc. And I am asking for T...T..." I sighed, "I am voting for Tak to leave this week..."

"Are you sure?"

"No of course I'm not freakin sure, you give me two seconds to think..."

"Is Tak your final vote?"

"Yes, I'm sorry Tak... Becca's logic made sense..."

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get totally smashed,

Give me a hug, and I'll give you a kiss,
Erifia Apoc

Ps. 7

Challenge #11, The Winner

2006-08-20T20:38:00.000-05:00

This is it gang. This is the moment you've all been waiting for. After this, we're down to the final two.

Three contestants, soon there will be two. The winner of this challenge is....

...We'll let you know right after this commercial break.

Beer Goggles!

Yeah, you know you want 'em. Go pick up a pair today.

We're back.

Before we get to the winner, let's take a moment to meet the contestants. Army of (Cl)One, also known as Tak. A clone trooper from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. He's here to show that a faceless soldier can be an individual, an extraordinary individual.

Local Henchman, from a shiny little blue planet called Earth. He's got mechanical arms, the power to summon demons, and a good dental plan. The one thing he is looking for is the respect of his peers. That as well as fortune and glory.

Erifia Apoc, A Jedi Knight from the same galaxy as AOC. A lithe and dangerous Twi'lek. She competes for reasons known only to her.

Now that we know who the competitors are, we can now tell you who the winner of the challenge is...

...Right after this commercial break.

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink

Get some today, or he'll snap your neck like a dried up chicken bone.

OK, we're back. Time to tell you who the winner of the challenge is...

...Right after this commercial message.

Nuclear Fun Ball.

You'll get a charge out of it, 'cuz it's a blast!

OK we're back. Time to tell you who the winner is.

The winner of Challenge #11 is....

Erifia Apoc!

Erifia now has the honor of choosing her opponent for the final round.

Good luck Gladiators.

The End of Challenge #11

2006-08-18T16:10:00.000-05:00

That's it everybody, the final three contestants have posted. Who will be the winner of the challenge?

Will it be the mad as heck and not going to take it much longer Erifia Apoc?

Will it be the mad skillz of Local Henchman?

Or will it be the mad, mad, mad, mad world of Army of (Cl)One?

All viewers, judges, and contestants are encouraged to vote, winner will decide who gets the boot. Send your vote to me at joninterglad@hotmail.com.

Results will be posted on Sunday night at 7:00, Central Standard Earth Time.

Last Gladiator Standing was brought to you in part today by this cool looking robot thing.

Whatever you do, do it in style in this cool looking robot thing.

AOC: Two Men Enter, One Man Leave

2006-08-18T11:36:00.000-05:00

I am waiting in the green room, watching TV. We drew lot and I get to enter the “Thunder Dome” last. I hear one of the LGS assistances coming down the hall and quickly try to change the channel

TV *… and that is how you make a pear glaze, and that a good thing … click … And the Henchman is stunned flat on his back. After defeating over 20 opponents with a viciousness not seen here since …”*

The assistance opens the door “Mr. TK 266 you are up next. That was quite a display put on by The Henchman. You must be happy, considering what he said about you.”

Was she being sarcastic? What did I miss? Maybe I should have watched the matches? What the heck would The Henchman said about me? I hope it wasn’t too mean? I don’t know why he would, he a friend right? I hope the competition has not gotten the better of us?

“Mr. TK 266 are you OK, you kind of blanked out there for a minute. We have to go.” The assistance stated.

As I move out towards the Thunder dome, I see The Henchman being carried away on a stretcher. Yikes

As I enter the Dome, the roar of the crowd is almost deafening. The first Gladiator comes running at me. The announcer barks over the P.A system “…and the Yeti makes the first move.”

The Yeti yells at me as he charges “I’ll beat you like a dog for what you did, you little clone freak!!”

Why is this guy called the Yeti, he looks like a Mummy? As the rushes closer, I leap high in the air, flip over his back and grab a piece of this wrapping. The “Yeti” stops and turns to attack me again. I snap the wrapping a hard as I can and the “yeti” spins away from me.

“Looks like your game plan is unraveling!” I call out as the ‘Yeti” hits the end of the wrapping and disappears into dust.

I hear a high squeaky voice from behind me “I hate punks who uses really bad puns.”

I jump forwards, summersault, spin and jump to my feet. I am now facing the worst looking salt and pepper team in the world.

“Whoa, You guys need to hit Jenny Craig and a Stairmaster.” I exclaimed. Both begin to lumber towards me.

“No one talks to King Mabel that way.” The high voice squeaks.

“The American Dream will tear you apart” hollers the American dream.

“You know, I have heard that about what with the way the economy is going now.” I do a quick forward jump and smack the American Dream in the face and move away from his ponderous punch. “Also don’t use the third person when talking about your self, it is freaking annoying” I say to him.

“Don’t mock the American Dream” He yells at me. I spin kick Mabel in the gut, then leap out of the away of another slow powerful blow.

“Do you mean you or the prospect of buying ones own home?” I reply snarkily. I continue hitting and running.

“Stop …. Gasp …. moving ….wheeze …. so much ….gasp … you little jerk.” Mabel pants at me.

Both are holding their sides and bending over. “Yeah, we need to tear you apart for what you did to …” the American Dream clutches his chest and falls over “I’m … having … a heart attack”

Mabel moves to start CPR on him. When Mabel starts in with the Mouth to Mouth, I head to the door. Man that was easy. These Gladiators don’t seem so tough.

The crowd goes quiet. Too quiet.

I spin around in just enough time to get hit by a huge club. I sail 15 feet across the arena. The crowd goes wild.

The announcer voice booms “And coming out of retirement (or prison if you want to be technical) is Marty the Minotaur…” the crowd roars their approval “… as some fans will remember Marty has that unfortunate incident that cut his career short. But now he is back. What a champion, folks!”

Hot Sith on a spit!! This guy is huge.

He comes running at me, damn, he is fast also. “I am going to smash you to jelly! After the way you treated Missy, you are going to be lucky if you can drink your meals through a straw!”

I roll out of the way from a flurry of club stokes. I manage to get up and run for my life as I yell to the booth “Joooonnnnnnn, THIS GUY IS TRYING TO KILL ME!”

The control booth can’t hear my calls, ok they were yells …. Uhh Ok Ok I admit it, they were screams of terror, like a 4 year old watching a Chucky movie.

I ran past a pile of weapons and grabbed a spear, spun and launched is as hard as I could. Marty caught it with one hand and broke it over his own head. I grab a sword and ran.

I see Missy in Marty’s corner of the Thunder dome.

“So you’re not such a tough guy now? You seemed pretty brave when you were making Missy cry, you little toad.” Marty’s club whooshes over my head.

I yell back, “Why are you mad at me? She is the one who asked me out?”

“WHAT??? ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY MISSY IS A SLUT? ARE YOU TELLING ME MY LITTLE CUPCAKE IS A SLUT” Marty roared

While dodging his club and jumping in and out of the piles of junk, I reply “No No I would never even think something like that of such a pretty, intelligent, sexy …”

“Ha!!! So you admit that you were trying to get into her pants.”

*sigh* I may never try dating again. I do a jump/roll to get under Marty to slash at his legs, but he anticipates my move and punts me across the arena. This is starting to get old.

I get up and run as fast as I can. I see Mabel still trying to revive The American Dream.

I hear Marty behind me taunting “My buddy, Bane and the rest of the guys were going to smash you for me, but that Beekeeper got in the way. Kept going on like a teenage girl about how much he looooves you as a friend. Ha Ha Ha Ha. You’ll end up worse then that pathetic Yellow Jacket, when I get you!”

What? The Henchman got the cr@p knocked out of him because of me. Now that’s not right. I get a plan and run right towards Mabel.

Marty is right behind me and gaining. I jump over Mabel, swing the sword and nick him on his backside. As I hit the ground running, Mabel leaps up (spryly for a guy his size) just as Marty begins his jump. His hoof catches Mabel head.

A tumble of bodies rolls across the arena. I turn and jump up on Marty as he fumbles to a stop. I fling the sword at his club hand and begin to pummel him. The fall had stunned him and he doesn’t fight back.

I hear a scream of rage come from Missy and she charges the two of us. Just as she approaches in full medusa fury, I pull up Marty’s head, peel back his eyelid and turn away.

Missy screams again as Marty turns to stone and I run for the door at top speed.

Once out I tell a stunned Jon, “Don’t look at me, I’m not the one who turned him to stone.”

Now where is Hudson’s credit card? I hear the LGS bar calling to Erifa, The Henchman and me.

Looking Out For A Friend part II

2006-08-17T11:39:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

Where we left off ; The Thunderdome freaks wanted to hurt Tak.

I will not allow that to happen. I went Jon and made him let me take them all on.

--------------------------------------------------------

I enter.

They charge...

The first one to get it, is the Giant Gonzalez. I catch him with a leg sweep, because the bigger they are...But before he falls, I hit him with a flying uppercut. As he's in the air, I jump 20 feet, catch him. We flip spin with his head, landing deep into the ground.

They back off for a minute.

BattleKat and The Shockmaster try a double team up.

Ha.

I become a blur, grabbing Shockmaster's arm. I break it at the elbow. He bends over in pain, I lock up just under his hips and toss him to BattleKat.

Some "no name" goes for a sucker punch from behind, After ducking, I elbow in the baby box.

They retreat to 10 ft away from me.

All of a sudden I hear " He just one man. If you follow my orders, I will tell you how to defeat him."

Bane enters. " I was the one planning to destroy the one called AOC."

Great, so now the number is back up to 19 "Goofy Little Bastards" I have to put in place.

Fine.

The group huddles around Bane.

Then all at once they fly after me.

BattleKat is up again, He goes for a tackle, around my lower back.

I turn and knee him in the face. I love hearing that crunch.

OW.

Something hits me. Now my back feels wet.

That damn Kwang the Ninja is using weapons.

Wait. All of them have weapons now.

I pull the "Ninja star" out of my back. I smile.

I hit super speed. Dislocating limbs and breaking bones.

Now I am having fun.

Whirling roundhouses, spinning backhands, flying sidekicks and a great right hook are my weapons.

Max Moon is curled in a ball, holding his knee. I.R.S., I broke about four of his ribs. Kwang the Ninja is all that's left between me and Bane.

I shut down my powers. Kwang flips toward me. I give him a "Bothan special" and punch him in the throat.

It starts to rain.

Bane pumps up the Venom "This is a new mix, to make me even stronger."

" I don't care."

Lighting cracks the sky.

We storm towards each other.

Bane tries to get a grip, I twist his wrist to the outside. I follow with a clothesline.

I let him get up.

"Very good. You know how to fight." He say as he pumps more venom into his system.

He grows.

It doesn't help.

I hit Bane with everything; Punches, kicks, open hand, closed fists, elbows,knees and the ground.

As I clutch his neck. I beat his face to a purple mess. To hell with Jon's rules. I am going to kill him.

Jon sees my intent and stuns me with a full blast.

Bane asks " Why ?"

I stumble back " He's my friend."

Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Looking Out For A Friend

2006-08-16T20:57:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

While walking to the "Thunderdome Of Bad Wrestling Gimmicks"

I hear I.R.S.

Talking to the other other "would be's"

"Listen, if we take out that Stormtropper, we could really make a name for oursevles."

Giant Gonzalez and The Shockmaster agree to it.

G.G.: " We are going to break his legs. "

S.M.: " Then one one will take us a jokes anymore."

I was going to put those guys in their place...

But, I had a better idea.

Tak, was the only person who tried to be my friend here.

I will not let him get hurt.

I go to Jon.

Henchman :" Jon, can I use my powers ?"

Jon : "Yes, but you can't kill anyone."

Henchman : "Ok, give me everyone."

Jon.:" What ?"

H.M.: "Just do it."

An hour later there are 20 rejects in the ring.

I will take these guys down.

Hard.

I enter.

They charge...

If Wrestling is fake, why am I hurting?

2006-08-15T17:08:00.000-05:00

“Hey King! There is going to be a dynamite 2 v 1 tag match today. This is a grudge match…” Jim Ross said.

“What do you mean?!” Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler.

“In one corner… We’ve got Erifia Apoc, all by her lonesome…”

“Puppies!?” The King screeched, “Erifia’s a woman, right? Puppies! Puppies!”

“Yes, Puppies king… Erifia is new in IGL… Intergalatic Gladiator League, for those of who are new… But she’s currently been surviving on LGS. We are expecting the Jedi to come out swinging.”

“With her Puppies!”

“Yes king, with her puppies. This is also a street fight, so any weapons are allowed, and it’s a good thing for her, and her competitors.”

“Why’s that Ross, do they have Puppies too?”

“No, her opponents for the night are The Lekku Smasher, whose finisher is using a hammer to smash the lekkus of his oppenants….

… and the Mindless Beast, who can’t be manipulated because all he is a frenzied rage…”

The king screeched, “But, the Puppies!”

“Enough about the puppies already.”

My theme song began to play. It was The Imperial March. I walked down the aisle. I checked my lekku weapons, and entered the ring. I jumped over the third rope, and did a twi’lek dance in the middle of the ring.

“Weighing in at-“

“Shut-up!” I yelled at Jim.

“Her age is-“

“Shut-up!” I yelled again.

“Hailing from Ryloth, the Jedi Erifia Apoc.”

The next song to play was Black Dog by the Leaden Zepplin. There was a man coming down with a hammer.

“Weighing in at 225, the six foot six, wrestler hailing from Earth, The Lekku Smasher.”

He growled when he saw me… I gulped… My lekkus wiggled in fear.

“Weighing in at 450 pounds, the seven foot three beast hailing from Azeroth,

“Triple lekkus!” he yelled into a mic, “Triple pain!”

The next song to play was Carmina Burana. That’s when I saw the beast. This was going to be ugly. I was going to lose.

The rushed down to the ring together, and once they got into it, and in a double close line, sent me falling to the ground. The bell rung.

“Ooo! Double close line King…”

“Don’t hurt the Puppies!”

I rolled up, and I used my lekkus as whips, and hit the Lekku smasher with my weapons hanging on them. It sent him flying in a circle, and he struck the ground.

“What was that king?”

“I think that was The Spinning Lekku, we don’t often see that one here.”

I began to kick him as he was on the ground, and he grabbed my leg. And brought me to the ground. I hit it with a thump, and I tried to get out of his grip. He slammed his hammer on my shin.

I screamed in pain. He tagged The Mindless Beast and likewise, the beast got up and the top roped and did a full on dive onto my body. I doubled over from impact.

If wrestling is fake, why am I hurting?”

He pushed me down by my shoulders, and I quickly jumped my shoulder up as the Ref just started to count.

“She’s not ready to give up yet king…”

“And I’m not quitting until I see her Puppies!”

I pushed him off, and began to back away a bit. That’s when Lekku Smasher came up from behind and busted my head with a kendo stick.

I tried to protect my lekkus but he kept hitting and hitting.

I fell to the mat trying to catch my breath.

The Mindless Beast tried to pun me again. The ref got to two and three fourths before I threw him off of me. I began to crawl away. There was just one to many of them…

The Lekku Smasher hit my lekkus with the kendo stick again.

“This isn’t even right…” Jim said.

“It’s a beatdown, that’s sure… Maybe they’ll take off her top so I can see her Puppies.”

I began to crawl away. That’s when I saw the most beautiful sight my tear filled eyes saw. Becca the Magnificant was standing in my corner.

“Tag me! Tag me!”

I tagged her hand, and she came in, took one look at the beast, tried to read his mind, and turned tail, and tagged me.

“Thanks Becca…” I mumbled when I stepped back into the ring.

“That was Becca the Magnificant.”

“I don’t care who she is, she has Puppies!”

“Hold on a second,” I said to the Beast, “Just one second, I’ll be right back…”

Becca walked behind the king, and I took a steel chair, and smashed his head, and hit the table with a thump. Becca went to my corner, and I got back in the ring.

“Thanks Beast.”

“No Prob… You good?” He growled.

“You bet.”

The Beast swung his claw at me, and I did a backwards cartwheel, and Becca came up from behind and hit the Beast with a steel chair. He hit the ground, and I turned to the Lekku Smasher. He hit me with a kendo stick again, and I hit the ground again, writing in pain.

He then pulled out a sledgehammer. The crowd began to cheer… For him?

“Uh King! Uh King! This isn’t looking good for Erifia and Becca.”

He swung the sledgehammer down. He hit my thermal detonator…

“You idiot!” I screamed.

Jim yelled, “A thermal detonator! Who’d have thought…

I grabbed Becca, and ran from the ring as it exploded. Laying on the ground was both The Mindless Beast and The Lekku Smasher. The Beast stood, and charged at me. Becca and I hefted the massive flab into the air, and we double suplexed him. I ran over to The Lekku Smasher, and pulled him next to the Beast, and I laid on both of them.

“Oh the carnage, and she’s pinning both of them… Both of them!”

“One!” The ref said, “Two…” he paused for like a minute, “Three.”

I stood and he raised my arm into the air.

“I won!?” I screamed and questioned myself at the same time.

The crowd began to chant, “Puppies. Puppies. Puppies. Puppies…”

Becca turned, and she began to undo her top…

“…And cut to commercial,” Jon said, “That’s good. We got it all on tape. It’ll make a great show next week.”

If you’ll excuse me, I have to go and ice my lekkus,

Sweaty hugs, and softly placed kisses,
Erifia Apoc

PS. 0?!?!

Also... That idiot said puppies ten times.

Xavier kicks butt!!

2006-08-14T18:48:00.000-05:00

I rolled into the ring and let out a savage yell. It really wasn't very loud, I suppose, but I wanted the screaming fans surrounding the Thunderdome to know that I was there.

My opponent, Mad Dog the Killer Clown, jumped down from the rafters and landed on the dirt ground with a loud boom. He looked at me and pointed a dirty greasy finger towards me. His whole body was covered with a thick film of sweat and grime. Obviously he hadn't bathed since . . well, ever probably.

With a maniac roar he started beating his chest. Then he scratched behind his ear. I could see the fleas jumping ship. I think I know why they call him Mad Dog.

I rolled my chair towards the center of the ring, regretting that Jon wouldn't let me use my combat mode hover chair with heat seeking Stinger missiles. And after my sidekick Arthur had spent so much time polishing them.

Mad Dog loomed over me, an evil twisted smile on his face. A long shimmering strand of something dripped from his lower lip. His thick meaty fingers flexed in obvious anticipation. He was 300 pounds of solid muscle. I knew I could take him, even if there was a psionic dampening field built into the Thunderdome.

The announcer pulled back his little hammer and was about to ring the bell with it, when Arthur came running into the ring.

"Stop the fight! Stop the fight!" he shouted frantically.

"Arthur, this isn't a good time," I said.

He looked nervously up at Mad Dog and then leaned down and whispered in my ear. "Professor, you lost last week."

"Yes, I know. Don't worry, I'll make it up this week."

"No, you don't understand. You were voted off the show."

"Oh please, Arthur. You just don't know how these things work. I'll win this match and then they'll be glad to take me back."

Arthur looked over his shoulder at the drooling Mad Dog. He quickly turned back to me. "First of all, I think this pyscho behind me will kill you in about two seconds flat. Second of all . . you can't play. I'm sorry. You lost. I was rooting for you but that's just how it is sometimes. There's a shuttle waiting to take us back to Earth."

I looked over at the control booth and saw several of the producers frantically talking with each other and pointing periodically at me. Jon stood behind them looking at me. He just shrugged and nodded his head towards the exit.

Hmm. So it appears Arthur was right. I lost. Imagine that. I suppose that's it then. I'd best go catch that shuttle. Oh well, it will be good to sleep in my own warm bed again, I suppose.

Challenge #11

2006-08-14T07:03:00.000-05:00

OK Gladiators, this one is a little more conventional compared to the previous challenge.

Welcome to the Thunderdome!

The Thunderdome of Bad Wrestling Gimmicks!

That's right, you three must battle your way past the likes of:

Giant Gonzalez!

The Yeti!

Doink the Clown!

Battlekat!

King Mabel!

The American Dream!

The Shockmaster!

Bastion Booger!

Max Moon!

Repo Man!

Dr. Isaac Yankem DDS!

Kwang the Ninja!

(Say, what does it sound like when 230 pounds of crap hit the ring? Kwaaaanng!)

These wrestlers and so many more are waiting for you inside the ring. Battle your way out, work together if you have to. It's no holds barred, so the rulebook is literally out the window (figuratively speaking, of course).

Like the last challenge, all viewers will have the opportunity to judge.

And finally, because it is down to three, the winner of the challenge will decide who is voted off, as the other two votes would just cancel each other out.

Good luck.

The End of Challenge #10

2006-08-14T05:46:00.000-05:00

Gladiators, everyone here has done a great job up for the past several months.

Unfortunately, someone here will not be making it to the next round.

And I'm surprised he didn't see this coming.

Time for someone to roll out the door.

Professor Xavier, you are not the Last Gladiator Standing. Goodbye.

Last Gladiator Standing was brought to you in part today by Beer Goggles.

Yeah, you know you want 'em. Go pick up a pair today.

Challenge #10, the winner

2006-08-13T19:59:00.000-05:00

Gladiators, the vote has been cast.

It was pretty close voting except for the one who ran away with a bunch of votes...

The winner of Challenge #10 is...

(Scroll down 'cuz I'm building tension)

(Lots of tension)

(Lots of cheap tension)

The winner is none other than

The person listed below

Who is

Army of (Cl)One.

AOC has won immunity this round. Gladiators, send in your vote.

Tak: Date Epilogue

2006-08-11T11:55:00.000-05:00

I am stretched on the bed in my LGS room reading the lasted technical manuals on the CR-1 blaster cannon, when The Henchman looks in the door,

“Hey Tak, How you doing? Better now that we are back to being guys?”

“Yeah, it feels nice to have all the part that I am used to back. But I have to say it itches like heck along my wax lines”

The Henchman shakes his head “Uhh Tak we have talked about the TMI issue before. Remember some things are best left to your “inside” voice.”

“Sorry. So why did you stop by? Is it time for Happy Hour at the LGS bar?’ I ask much too hopefully

“That and I wanted to make a little confession to you. I have something to tell you about your dating experience.”

“Please don’t bring that up. Who knew LGS was going to film that, carry it live and then make a freaking blooper show out of it. If I see one more slo-mo shot of me running from the bar, I’m going to kill me a camera man. I even heard rumors that people were placing bets in Los Hegas on the other side of Hacknor. What kind of dirt bag would do that?”

“Not all people who make bets are dirt bags. …. Cough …. Cough... and that is what I wanted to talk to you about.” The Henchman says nervously

I raise an eyebrow, but say nothing.

“When I found out that LGS was going to film, I got a hold of an old acquaintance who is a bookie here on Hacknor. Odds were running 1 to 8 that you would manage to complete the date. That is one reason I wanted you do well.”

“So you’re saying you bet on me and lost.” I was getting a little upset.

“No, I bet in such a way that I won money. One can place bet on all aspects of everything. Like would your date be another contestant? Would you spill you drink on your date? Would wear your armor? All sorts of things. I had an idea of who it might be, so I put money on the Gorgon showing up. Odds were 37 to 1 that she was you date. I put $5,000 down and cleared $185,000.” The Henchman explains.

“Great! Glad you made some money off my humiliation.” I respond snarkily

“Come on Tak, Don’t get upset. Did you know you can combine bets in to funky trifecta bets? Like if someone put $1 on you not being able to make eye contact, your date having a boyfriend and your date getting drunk and screaming at you, that bet would pay out 17,000 republic credits.” He smiles

“17,000 credits? That a fair amount of money. You can buy passage to Alddaran with a top flight smuggler with that money.”

“Heck, you could almost buy your own ship for that much.” Henchman replies

“Ha ha. So why you telling me this. Just to rub it in worse.” I ask sulkily

“Nope Buddy. Here.” The Henchman hands me a credit stick “Here is 17,000 cr. From the bet I place on you,"

I am stunned, “Wow, Really? Thanks. This is great. Even if I don’t win LGS at least I walk away with something.”

“You mean other then razor burn on you thighs.” The Henchman laughs.

Challenge #10, vote vote vote!

2006-08-10T09:28:00.000-05:00

OK everybody responded to the challenge very well.

Before we continue, I just wanted to say that I am proud of all each of you; making it to the Final Four of arguably one of the greatest reality shows to grace the Intergalactic Network of Engineered Transmissions is no small feat.

Last Gladiator Standing, however, is like the movie Highlander, there can be only one. Or like the movie Highlander II, there should be only one.

So it's time to judge, and as I mentioned earlier, everyone can judge and is invited to vote for the winner of this challenge. Please send an email to me at joninterglad@hotmail.com. The contestant with the most votes gains immunity, while the one with the fewest gets to give me a backrub.

You have until Sunday at 7:00 pm, Central Standard Earth Time. Results will be tabulated by our laser-powered super computer. Yes, the very same computer used on our Separated at Birth series, calculates the proper donut-to-sprinkle ratio for the LGS snack shack, and pastes pictures of celebrities heads onto bodies of farm animals will be used to calculate the winner of Challenge #10. So get out there and as they say in Chicago, vote early and vote often.

Wait, don't vote often. Just once, thank you.

I am Henchwomyn. Hear me...

2006-08-09T19:09:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

Jon will pay...

Before I could tell him about my Gamma/Kryptonite powercell. He lets loose " experimental ray"

That changes our gender.

I go from this

To

This.

I am going to make him pay. I thought I would look like a double "D" bad girl to a 20"inch waist. Not this.

Anyway, after hiding in my room. I choose to suck it up.

I walk around the LGS compound I meet up with Tak and all he do is talk about is my butt and how good it looks.

Well, it does look good, but what about my hair. I worked really hard on it.

Later in the day some jerk grabbed my backside.

I put him through a wall. Literally.

Maybe he learned something. Jerk.

Hudson, after that leaves me alone.

As I walk here and there, I see that Hacknor has a lot of natural beauty.

One day later.Word gets sent. Now every man in the planet keeps his hands at his side.

However, no one tells me I'm pretty.

Later in the week. I meet this blue Twi'lek male in a red shirt at a bar. We start pounding beers...

Gee. he's kind of cute.

Ha, ha that was funny...

As time passed, I thought he was really nice and funny.

Mmmm.... more beer.

I think he told me was a Jedi or something...

pff.. I told told him. I knew Jedi's...

So he showed me a trick. It was so cool.

I went back to his place.

Strange, he lives in the LGS barricks too...

Ugh. I woke the next moring. In a room full of empty cheetos bags and beer cans.

I rush out before the guy could wake.

I spend the rest of the week in the shower.

Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Headmistress Xavier

2006-08-08T20:26:00.000-05:00

A woman! Usually I use making someone think they are a girl as a punishment. Er, I mean as an attempt to broaden their perspectives to aid them on their spiritual journey. But now Jon has used his Red Kryptonite or whatever to make me a girl. Me! The definition of masculine virility. Crazy.

Doing a quick telepathic scan told me that the others felt as confused and uncomfortable as I did. Except maybe for Henchwoman, that pervert. Hmm, it’s too bad Maggie’s back on Earth right now.

Looking around at the others and how silly they looked made me feel self-conscious. I was suddenly aware that my business suit was alternatively too baggy and too tight in various places. I decided to head back to my room. I found Arthur there polishing my shoes.

“Oh, hi Prof–,” he started to say. “W-who on Earth are you?” The look of fear on his face was almost cute.

“It’s alright Arthur, this is just the results of the latest contest. Everyone has had their genders changed.”

Arthur quickly looked down at himself in panic. “No, not you. Just the contestants,” I reassured him. He breathed a sigh of relief. “Now why don’t you go get me some ice cream,” I suggested, feeling a sudden craving. “Something chocolatey.”

As he left, I headed over for the dresser. I knew Maggie had left some of her things here. I thought I might be able to find a more comfortable outfit there.

Opening the top draw I found a very comfortable looking silky white dress. It looked clingy yet demure. I thought it might show off my new figure quite well. And there in a small wooden box were some rather stunning looking earrings. Normally I don’t care for jewelry but they really looked quite becoming.

I pulled off my clothes and reached for the dress. Then I caught site of myself in the full length mirror. I lay the dress aside and stared at my new female body. My hands seemed to move of themselves, caressing and exploring. I just couldn’t keep myself off myself. I definitely needed to see Maggie as soon as I could.

I stretched my mind telepathically across the ether until I made contact with her.

“Charles? You feel different somehow.”

“It’s really me. I need to see you right away. Can you come to Hacknor?”

“Well, the shuttle will take me a few days. I could be there by Friday.”

Blast! “That’s no good. It’s too late. Hmm. I have an idea. Blink on the Exiles team can teleport vast distances. Let me find her and I’ll have her bring you to me.”

“Okay, but what’s going on?”

“I’ll explain when you get here.”

It took me a better part of the hour to track down the Exiles. They were in the middle of some battle with an alternate universe Hulk. I explained to Blink it was a desperate emergency so she agreed to help.

Within moments, Maggie was there. I could see both girls were a little freaked out to see me as a female but I really didn’t have the time to go into the whole story. Blink went back to her battle and Maggie stood before me with her hands on her hips, obviously insisting on hearing the story.

“It’s quite simple,” I started. “This is Jon’s latest challenge. He wants to see how we cope with being the alternate gender for a week.”

“I see,” she said, a little dubiously. “And how are you coping?”

“To be honest I’m feeling incredibly turned on. I’m really glad you were free.” I moved closer to her but Maggie backed away.

“I don’t know Charles. This isn’t really something I’ve, um, ever been into. I am Catholic, you know.”

I couldn’t help but smile at her. Maggie looked so sweet in her modesty. “I do. I also know that the long lists of rules are more like guidelines for you. You never been one to let dogma get in the way of a good time. And I think we could have a very good time.”

I winked at Maggie as I said that last bit. I came up next to her and took her hands in mine. She didn’t resist as I pulled her down on top of me. Our lips met and I could feel her trembling, uncertain and yet curious.

As this show is meant for network broadcast, I won’t bore you with all of the salacious details, but suffice it to say we had a phenomenal time for the rest of the week.

AOC: Some Like It Hot

2006-08-07T13:19:00.000-05:00

The last 3 days have been a disaster. Every time I leave the room several of the crew are there to follow me around. Hudson keeps asking me out. I can’t seem to get use to the outfit the LGS wardrobe department gave me. I need someone to help me through this, but whom? I could call the Lt. Cmdr. Nooo, bad idea. It bad enough she might see me on the Holo like this.

But who can I call? Who Who Who?

I finally make a call.

“Hello.” Says a familiar voice

“Hey Jedi Kriss, how you doing? It’s me TK-266” I start

Kriss looks confused “What??? Is this some kind of a joke? Who the heck are you really?”

Dang it, even people I know don’t watch this crappy show. “No really it is me TK-266. Jon switched all our genders this week. We are supposed to live like this for a whole week. I’m freaking big time already. Do you know how hard it is to uses a urinal without a, uhhh … you know …. Guy parts.” I snap out in an exasperated voice.

“By the force, you’re not joking are you? Quick, what does Skywalker call you when he can’t remember your name?” Kriss asks

I sigh “Earl, the hair care product loving fool calls me Earl!”

“Jumping Sithspit, you are TK-266! I have to say I like you better as a guy and only wearing a feather.” Kriss says with shock

“Not helping. Come on I need the advice to help me.”

“Okay okay, don’t get a hysterical on me ha ha ha ha. No really what other problems are you having other than the peeing issues, which can be solved by sitting down.”

“Well the biggest problem is the body itself. I keep … uhh this is embarrassing … I keep looking at it … a lot. I smashed all the mirrors to stop me from doing that, but I think it is still going to be a problem.”

“What the problem Tak, it not like you have never seen a naked women before … oh spit you haven’t have you. Muhahahahahaha Muhahahahahaha.”

“Let me remind you again: NOT HELPING.”

Dark Jedi Kriss stops laughing and wipes a tear from her eye. “Ok I try to be helpful. The body issue, just try to ignore it the best you can. Splash cold water on you face, slap you self, just show some self control. Ok what other problems”

“Well the outfit thing is a problem, my own clothes don’t fit and LGS wardrobe gave me a bunch of outfits.”

“Try them on and let me give you some help on what to wear.”

“Damn it Tak, What are you wearing that for?”

“The wardrobe people said it was common outfit. Maggie and Erifa wear something similar. Is that a problem?”

“Damn Skippy there is, first you can’t wear that out in public and second… Oh my force did you wax!??!?!!? Why?”

“Uhh, yeah. It makes me feel pretty. Hey, by the way do you know how much a Brazilian wax job hurts?”

“TMI, Tak TMI LALALALALA I’m not listening!!! Just change into something else.”

“Ok what about this. What do you think?"

“Better but I don’t like the exposed area in case someone shoots at you, cover that mid drift.”

“How about this one? Better?”

Kriss exasperatedly “Tak, WHY ARE YOU WEARING HEELS? I don’t think so. And remember that you are going to have to deal with Hudson all week.”

Ahh junk, I didn’t even think of that. I need more protection.

“Just pan the closet and see what we can come up with.” Kriss suggest.

“Ok. Good. Get the blue pants. Yes and the helmet. Do you have any paint? You might have to use some of your armor. And don’t forget the MP5 pulse rifle. Ok here is what you do ….”

Several hours later.

“So what do you think? It doesn’t make me look fat does it?”

Kriss sighs “Well other then the lipstick, which I still can’t believe you choose to wear, I think it might work. Good luck.”

No problem. I’ll treat the rest of the week like a mission on a hostile planet and shoot anything that moves to close to me. MP5 blaster set on maximum stun. Off to the bar to see how The Henchman is doing. And I hate to say this, but he has great looking butt this week.

What the frell?

2006-08-05T21:43:00.000-05:00

Let’s begin with what I was… That’s always the best place to start… I think… *There is a pause*... Yeah! We should always start in the beginning. So, what was I getting at? Right? Dude, you’ve got no idea, I was a hot chick! I mean like smoking… I’ve got a small picture… Here look…

See? Dude… Smokin’. This is what I look like, I’m not bad I don’t think…

Right… Now we’ve got that straightened out, I remember rage… Yes… Rage. Lots of rage. Right. So check-it. I’m (as a chick) gathering with the other guys for the next challenge. Jon is talking about something, I’m not really paying attention to him, then he blasts us with some ray thing… There was a cross instance when I was so angry, that that’s all I can remember.

But then I kind of looked around, and realized the room had three other chicks in it, and I was good to go… Then I realized what I was wearing. A Twi’lek Chick Dancer’s Outfit. So rather then let the chicks see me, I ran to an abandoned room, and found a red shirt, and I rushed to the next room, and I found a pair of blueish pants, that were built for someone, way muscular than I was.

So, after I rectified my mistake, I rushed back to the ladies, and found they were gone. I sighed. “Aww Man… That’s not cool…”

After that; I didn’t really have anything planned so I went and grabbed a beer, and I sat down to a television, and watched the Blurnsball game on the Intergalatic Channel. (It was the only channel we could get in.)

I drank another beer, and another beer, and another beer, and another beer, and another beer. And needless to say, I got drunk, but don’t judge! Don’t Judge! Don’t knock it until you tried it…

I woke up that morning, and I was surrounded by cheeto bags, and crushed cans of beer. I walked by it, and went to the bathroom, I skipped brushing my teeth, who was I trying to impress?

Next on my busy agenda was the free breakfast LGS provided to all of its contestants, no-one was there, there was lots of sausage, and bacon, so I grabbed a ton of that, and only a little eggs, I got some pancakes and smothered them in syrup, and then I got some toast, and made some egg-muffin sandwhiches which had tons of sausage on them, I love sausage.

After breakfast, I sat down in front of the TV, and some of the kid-gladiator cartoons were on, like, “Jon Gladiator, of Star Command” and “Scooby-Jon, Where are you?” and also “Jon and Huddy”. All of which starred Jon. The last one was Jon chasing Hudson around his house, there was senseless violence with frying pans, and everything. I enjoyed it.

At lunch, I went down to the free lunch, and ate hamburgers, chili-dogs, and plenty of French-fries. I devoured six or seven plates of each, and went upstairs, and sat down, the “Jon Gladdy” show was coming on, it was about Jon trying to survive in Cleveland as a man stuck in the same place in his company, and then the, “Coliseum Improvement” which once again starred Jon as a man who ran a show that showed people how to use ACME tools to improve their coliseum, but it more included his home life, whatever… Only chicks would notice crap like that… I like when he blows stuff up.

At Dinner, they were serving steak and potatoes, or Salad and fruit. What a stupid choice, I grabbed the steak and taters, and went upstairs. Tonight? The Miss Gladiator contest. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I smothered the steak in hot-bbq sauce, and I devoured the potatoes.

The Miss Gladiators were all beautiful and sexy… I’d have liked to… You know. *Wink*. Anyway, after the Miss Gladiator ended, and directly next came on another Blurnsball game, so I went and grabbed a beer, and repeated the process of last night.

I did that, for a whole week. Not going to lie to you. I had nothing better to do, so I sat around, ate and watched TV. Even when someone (I forget who) said something (I forget what) about doing some menial task, I ignored them. Then whoever it was asked again, and this time I heard them, but pretended not to hear them.

*There is a weird popping sound, and juicy sound, and Male Erifia becomes Female Erifia.*

I lifted the collar of the red shirt and looked down.

“Thank the force!”

That was the most pointless week of my whole life, if I was me and not him, oh boy… Oh boy. I rushed to my clothes, and I put on a clean twi’lek dancer’s outfit… I took a deep breath, and looked at the mounds of beer cans, and paper plates, and used cheeto bags. I collected them all, and threw them all away.

I vacuumed, I sterilized, and I shut off that stupid television!

I knew what I had to do… I snuck into the place where Jon kept that ray, and I went to his office. Once inside he looked very scared.

“Just so you know… I was aware of what he was doing the whole time!”

I set the ray to hour, and shot him with it. I then threw it on her desk.

“Deal Jonya… Deal.”

If you’ll excuse me, I need to go cleanse my soul and body at the all you can eat buffet,

(Creepy-Man-Hugs and Stubly-Kisses,
Erif Apoc)

Challenge #10

2006-08-03T22:15:00.000-05:00

Jon: OK gladiators, before the next challenge is anyone here a Berserker?

Professor X: Are you referring to the Nordic warriors who work themselves up into a frenetic rage before battle?

Jon: Yes.

The contestants look at each other shrugging and shaking their heads.

Jon: How about Luxan Hyper Rage? Anyone have that?

Again the contestants look at each other then shake their heads no.

Jon: How about gamma radiated cells? Anyone turn super strong and green when angry?

Once more, the participants indicate negative.

Jon: Great.

The contestants are bathed in a strange light. The ray causes them to switch genders.

Erifia: What the frell?

Professor X: I can't believe that you just did this.

Jon: Don't worry about it, the effects are only supposed to last a week. At least that's what they told me. This thing is still experimental.

Erifia: This is an outrage! What are we supposed to until then?

Jon: Hey, you're all pretty clever. You'll figure it out. Oh and one more thing. The special guest judge is them.

Jon points to the camera.

Henchman: You mean, the cameraman?

Jon: No, them. Past the camera.

AOC: The guys in the production booth?

Jon: No, past them.

Henchman and AOC: The producers?

Jon: No, the audience! The audience will be the special guest judge!

Pause

Henchman: I think I'm going to need a different outfit.

Erifia: I think we're all going to need different outfits.

AOC looks down at his chest.

AOC: Hey, these things look kind of nice.

Last Gladiator Standing was brought to you by Acme Super Jetpacks.

Go to new heights in Acme Super Jetpacks!

Do not fly jetpack over restricted airspace or powerlines. Do not let jetpack get hit by laserfire, gunfire, air to air missiles, rocket propelled grenades, rocks, or playground balls. Do not use jetpack in rain, snow, or if the temperature is hotter than 35 degrees Celsius. Keep out of the reach of children. Professional stunt flier on a closed course. Do not submerge jetpack. Do not paint jetpack. Do not inhale or drink jetpack fuel. Shoulder harness does not fit all body types. Warranty not valid on Fire Island 12.

The End of Challenge #9

2006-08-03T21:20:00.000-05:00

OK gladiators, who's not going to make it to the next round?

Whose post wasn't so... Enterprising?

Captain Picard, we will be phasering, er phasing you out of this competition.

You are not the Last Gladiator Standing. Goodbye.

Last Gladiator Standing was brought to you in part by Twi'lek Fashion House.

All ladies' coordinates are half off at the Twi'lek Fashion House.

Get it? Half off? Aw nevermind...

Jango: And The Winner Is.... (Challenge 9)

2006-08-02T10:45:00.000-05:00

Sorry friends I was preparing for Jango ADE 2, coming out this winter!
Anyways the votes are in! and how about a nice big large cheer for the Challenge 9 winner and the best person who cleaned up the place better. ...................

Professor Xavier!

Congrats Professor you win absolutly nothing!

No just kidding, a old Mandalorian joke. You win 10 cases of Jango ADE! From Cherry Mon to Hoth Ice! Good luck for the next challenege. And yes Simon, there was a mad man with a purple lightsaber chasing me saying "Give me more Jango ADE!".

This is Jango, signing off.

Simon: The Other Judge Is Climbing Out From Henchy's Rubble Mess...

2006-08-02T00:42:00.000-05:00

Well, it certainly seems that our Mandalorian friend has disappeared, though it is entirely possible that he met a bad end due to someone’s purple lightsabre. Since he isn’t around to render judgment upon your sad little arses, it falls to me to pick a winner. In regards to judging, I'll borrowing a statement from a fellow Brit, Ms. Traviss, “sticking my head in a bucket of decaying sheep's entrails would have been more fun.” So, employing the age old white glove test, we shall check your areas to see if they are sparkling clean.

Erifia: Why does it not surprise me that a girl who dresses so minimally would know a species that can suck and eat anything. Can you too suck the chrome off a trailer hitch? I do commend you for getting your area sparkly clean.

Henchman: You seemed off to a nice start until you ran into those ugly poorly dressed creatures. Quelling the anger of hyper aggressive species is well outside your pay grade, I’m afraid, and it showed. Stick with waving your flags around.

Xavier: Yours was certainly the most entertaining cleaning experience to watch, very few janitors can legitimately claim to have had to deal with a hot woman wielding a sentient sword. Congrats on being the first, it will be your only claim to fame since your cleaning left much to be desired.

Picard: Nice attempt at cleaning, though I must say that suit looks a bit dodgy, I’m not sure it was protective. It’s nice to see that Watson has some skills other than looking surprised.

AOC: Your ‘little clone’ seems to be the one in charge of things, he certainly does the more obvious thinking. I’ve not decided if that is a good thing or not. Your area is clean, but it took you both forever, which is what happens when one of using a dust buster sized piece of kit to clean an arena.

Well, your areas are all as clean if not cleaner than when you found them, save Henchman’s pile of rubble. Henchman, you should probably toss some paint and dynamite into the mix, call it modern art and be done with it. After much thought, I’ve selected a winner, and that lucky soul who will be guaranteed one more week on this wretched revolving rock is……

Professor Xavier. You all know the drill, send your vote as soon as possible to Jon once you make up your simple little minds.

Cheers!
Simon

Tak's Big Date

2006-08-01T00:33:00.000-05:00

Continues from here.

I take the seat across from the Gorgon, all the while trying to avoid eye contact. I start to look down, but find my self staring at her chest. I quickly move my eyes to a spot just below her hair line, umm no, snake line. I jerked my head up so quickly I feel the small microphone in my ear dislodge and fly out.

One of the snake head snap it out of the air and eats it.

Great, now I can’t hear the Henchman. At least he can still hear my side of the conversation.

“So Tak, … I can call you Tak right? I sooo happy you agreed to meet me. I have been thinking about you ever since we meet on the second challenge. Everyone else was just so mean and you were nice. By the way I love how you fixed my hair. I have had the same style for the past millennium or so. You know how hard it is to find a stylist who is willing to work with snakes? Then my friends saw that photo spread of you and said I should call you and here we are.” She say all in one breath. The snakes have all risen up and are hissing lightly.

“Uh, … ummm … so Miss …. Umm, I don’t know your name.” I stammer

“I’m Melissa Dusa, but my friends call me Missy for short. You can call me Missy if you want. I hope you don’t mind, I ordered some appies for us. I hope to learn a lot more about you. Isn’t this great? I am sooo happy you stopped by.”

Appies? What the heck are Appies? Wait, did she say something about being over a millennium old? Oh man, I hope Henchman is getting this. I look over his way just a hint. He signals that he can hear me, but knows I can’t hear him. He moves to be more in my sight line. I hope he has a back up plan.

The waiter comes by with a plate of nachos and a bowl with live mice. Missy tosses a mouse in the air. One of the snake heads shoot out and eat the mouse, which squeaks a bit. Yikes.

I try to start a conversation “So, Miss Dusa …” I see Henchman laugh a little … “what do you do for fun, other then hang out and turn people to stone?” Henchman shakes his head back and forth.

“Well that’s more like my job, not what I do for fun. Mostly I hang out at the beach and sunbathe nude.” Henchman spits out his drink and gives me a thumbs up. “I think it is the only way to avoid tan lines” she continues as she pulls her top back just a bit so show me the “no tan lines”. I nearly choke on the nachos.

What is The Henchman doing now?

“Oh poor baby. Did that go down the wrong pipe? Thank goodness I never have that problem. I have never choked on anything my whole life.” Missy smiles at me.

The Henchman uses the new signal, again.

A pitcher of Margaritas show up. I pour a drink for both of us. As Missy takes her first sip she says absentmindedly, “All my girlfriend tease me about being a cheap date. Two of these and I’ll do almost anything. You know how friends are?” she laughs

What he heck is that supposes to mean?

‘Of course I haven’t been out much since my boyfriend got into trouble” I see the Henchman dropping the green flag.

“I mean really, eat the son of some king and it off to the Labyrinth for you.” She continues as the slams down her drink, pours another and signals for another pitcher. “I guess it is to be expected, him being a Minotaur and all. Did you know he used to be on the IGE. He was great. Must have killed three dozen men.”

OK I get this one.

“But I don’t want to talk about that jerk right now. So what if he wants to see that Harpy on the side. I have ways of getting back at him. Let’s see how he feels when he sees me at the winner circle on Last Gladiator Standing with the all time Champion, Tak.” She is now drinking strait from the pitcher.

I look to The Henchman.

Missy continues “Then he will be like, ‘Oh Missy I am so sorry, please take me back.’ And I’ll laugh and say ‘no way loser bull head, I got me a new man, a real man, a whole man. A man that doesn’t need a harpy skank on the side.’ And then he’ll want to fight for me and I’ll tell him ‘Tak will fight with you his bare hands.’”

Missy is screeching at the top of her lungs, all the while the LGS camera crew is taping us. Missy is also starting to look a little different.

I wonder if that is what is meant by an ugly drunk? I see the Henchman giving me a new signal.

While Missy continues her furious rant to no one, I slip out of the booth and flee from the bar at top speed.

AOC: Cleaning Up The IGE House

2006-07-27T20:22:00.000-05:00

I survey the mess in the stands. There is trash ever where. It looks like a Wookie drinking and puking fest went on the in the upper levels. Thank the Force that my armor also doubles as a Haz-Mat suit.

In short order, I have grabbed my clean up equipment and started working. As I am picking up the trash in the section reserved for Radar Operators of Hacknor, who call themselves Radar Nation. I think I hear something moving in the trash.

I grab my blaster and try to flick the pile of trash where the noise emanated. Something small and white leaped out of the trash pile with a battle yell “Yehaaaahahaaaaa!”

“Augghhhhhhhhh!!” I scream, (in a battle sense, not a frightened little child scared of spider … Honest), as it jumps on me and begins trying to attack me.

“Slap em with the Jello boss man”

“M.I.N.I.T.A.K. !!! What are you doing? You scared the Cr…, I mean you worried me that I might have stepped on you.” I yell

“Just helping keep you skills sharp, bossman. Because the chick dig guys with skills.” He replies

“First, you don’t need to help keep my skills up. I am doing just fine with that. And what have I told you about using the word Chicks?”

“Sorry bossman, I keep forgetting that you’re a sensitive guy like that. *CoughhowsthedategoingCough*”

“What was that ….”

“So any way bossman, I came to help you out on this clean up. I was watching the matches with these Radar Nation folks. Man, are they uncouth and rude. I had a great time with them … look I can now play the Hacknor National anthem with my armpit.”

“That is great, but what about the help with the clean up, MiniTak.” I bring him back to the task at hand.

‘Oh yeah. I brought some Hoover Bikes for us.” MiniTak beams

“You mean Hover bikes?” I ask

“Nope, they are hover bikes with vacuums made for cleanup. I’ll go get mine.”

He runs off and comes back with a little 20 inch Hoover bike. As he rides to me I see the trash being sucked into a vent and vaporized.

“That is very cool, MiniTak. So where is mine.”

He point behind me “Right there bossman, but I had to get you a different model. Hop on and we will be done working in an hour. Then it off to the LGS bar and the hot chi…. Nice young ladies.”

MiniTak rides off whistling “A spoonful of sugar”.

I think I hear The Henchman and Erifa laughing.

Picard In The Radioactive Section

2006-07-27T20:13:00.000-05:00

It looked like it was going to be me who would clean out the radioactive section of the auditorium.

I turned to my sidekick, Dr Watson. Time for some delegation. Really, it wasn't a Captain's place to go cleaning up rubbish from the stands. I wouldn't delegate this to a hologram on the Enterprise.

"Could you clean out the radioactive section, Doctor?" I ask.

"What is radioactivity" he replies.

Sigh. It looked like I was going to have to do this myself. I just hope Riker and the others don't find out. I'll never live it down.

"It doesn't matter, Doctor; just get me a radiation-proof suit."

He scampers off and returns a few moments later with an odd-looking outfit. I try it on.

What an idiot I do look; still, there's nothing I can do now. It's time to go and clean everything up.

It gets really messy when the followers from the radiation-soaked world of Xerxes go to a match which features their champion Radioactive Ron. He is undefeated. This is because as soon as he steps into the ring, his opponent and the referee drop dead. This also happens for those in the first three rows around the ringside.

I've got the gurney with me to put the bodies on, plus a few limbs that fell off from the Ron followers. I suppose they were waving their arms too much.

Over here, I've found the hot dog seller sprawled on the floor. It seems like an Xerxian wanted a bite to eat.

Now I've got the brush to clean up under the seats. Really, the Xerxians aren't that good with their eating. Everything will need to be buried 1000 feet under concrete for a million years.

One thing they are good at is pest control; there are no living things within a 10 mile radius of the stadium right now.

I've finished with my 10th brush; the hairs on ot seem to fall off when sweeping the seat. The foodstuffs I picked up are now melting the container.

I get back quickly.

"I'm not radioactive, am I?" I ask Jon.

"Err...no, but we need to be sure, Captain." he says.

With that, I am thrown into a pool containg unmentionable things, then taken into an orange container.

My skin is then scrubbed red with a wire brush. I am then declared radiation-free.

"Did you really need to do that to get me free from radioactivity?"

"No." Jon replies, "But it gave us a good laugh!"

Challenge #9: Jingo Jango Judge

2006-07-25T22:10:00.000-05:00

Warning... This post contains certain amount of misbehavior... You've been warned.

The Jangoinator has made his way to the Last Gladiator - Juding Day

Wait! Thats not me... Someone pulled a prank on me
I mean, this is how it all began...

So I was walking down the street on some planet and Jon stopped me. My usually counter attack to stalkers behind me seemed that it cannot work on him. Blasted.
Anyway, so I was like "Whats up J, hows Last Gladiator?". He looked at me with a huge smile and he said "Baby, how would you like to guest judge Challenge 9 of Last Gladiator?"

.....

....................

Ha! cought your attention... worthess reader .... you have no idea.
Ok here is what he said

The Truth

Jon: Jango, come on and become a Guest Judge!
Jango: What?
Jon: Come with me, and together we can destory them!
Jango: Who?
Jon: Ah, nevermind..
Jango: Eh
Jon: Be a pal, become a Guest Judge of Last Gladiator.
Jango: If you say so. But I want Jango ADE in my trailer.
Jon: Jango ADE .... Oh yes, What flavor?

Jango: Hoth Ice. The pinneaple/coconut goodness, from some galaxy..
Jon: I see.
Jango: Yes.

As the conversation quitely settled down, I rushed back to my apartment. Ok, the planet is Coruscant. Its where I work at. So, I went in my apartment 28-B, and grabbed Boba and rushed off to where ever Jon was heading. To say the least, I wasnt happy with the trip.

No Boba ... No Ice Cream for a month!

Boba: No!
Jango: How about a year?
Boba: No!!
Jango: Ok- if you be quite, Ill give you ice cream when I am done judging.
Boba: Sure!

So all is good. Now that I am here, and drinking my pinneaplle Jango ADE. I would like to greet all of my contestants that I am judging for Challenge #9.

May the force be in your pants.

This is Jango, signing off.

Xavier Cleans Up, Sort Of

2006-07-25T21:12:00.000-05:00

Clean up garbage? Who does Jon think I am? I didn’t become the headmaster at a prestigious prep school so that I could clean trash. Clearly this was going to be a job for my henchman.

I summoned Arthur telepathically, telling him to bring a mop and bucket. He dropped the heat-seeking missile he was calibrating and flew to my side at top speed.

“You need me Professor?” he asked enthusiastically.

“Yes Arthur. I cannot complete this next challenge without your able assistance. Everything depends on you.”

“Gosh Professor! I’ll do my best.”

“Excellent. Now I want you to take that mop and start cleaning the stands. Be thorough. Do you think you can handle that?”

“Of course!” he exclaimed with a sharp salute.

Feeling rather satisfied with myself, I slowly backed my chair around to watch the others’ progress. My chair suddenly jerked violently to a stop. I looked down and saw that I had backed into a thick mound of dark leather. With a loud groan, the pile of leather got to its feet. He wiped the blood from his cheek.

“Ho ho! Now that was a good Hargh!” the thing with the weird forehead said loudly.

“A good what?” I asked.

“A . . uh . . battle! A good battle! Ho ho ho!” For such an ugly fellow he certainly was jolly.

“Were you one of the gladiators?” I asked.

He threw his head back and launched a giant wad of spit high into the air. The gooey blob sailed several feet before it made a rather disgusting splat on the stone floor. “Klingons would never debase themselves to battle for others’ amusement. We only fight for our own pleasure. Or to kill an enemy, of course.”

“If you aren’t a gladiator, then how did you get injured?” I continued.

“You are an ignorant savage, aren’t you? Watching war makes our blood boil. We have no choice but to start fighting whoever is around us. In this case that meant each other.”

He then pointed behind his row. Peaking around, I could see several scattered body parts clad in Klingon armor.

“I see. Well mister . . um . .”

“Klerg.”

“Yes, Mr. Klerg. You see the thing is, the arena is now closed to spectators. I’m afraid you will have to leave.”

The seven foot tall alien warrior bared his teeth and leaned in close to me. I have to say, his teeth were the most hideous shade of yellow I had ever seen. I felt the fire fish sandwich I had for lunch start to fight its way back up my esophagus. Klerg’s breath wasn’t helping either.

“Do you dare give me a command, human?!”

Fine. Clean up duty it is. “Police this area,” I ordered, reaching into his mind and removing any ego defenses. He nodded curtly and immediately reached out and ripped the mop from Arthur’s startled hands.

Turning to my sidekick, I saw that he was staring at me in a rather odd way. I quickly scanned his thoughts. He didn’t realize that I had used my psionic powers to control the Klingon. Better not to tell him or he may start to wonder if I’ve been controlling him too.

“All right Arthur,” I started. “What I’d like you to do is take the plastic bags Jon gave us and-”

“You!” a shrill voice screamed. “You made me lose!!”

I spun around and saw a mostly naked woman running up the stairs towards me. Witchblade!

“You shall pay for cheating me of my victory!”

The warrior woman lifted her arm and fired a volley of darts straight at me.

I took control of Klerg and had him dive in front of the deadly bolts. He crumbled to the ground.

“Now see here!” I said as forcefully as I could. “What on Earth makes you think I had anything to do with your loss?”

“Because my sword is sentient and told me that my mind was being messed with during the match! Now you die!”

The armor surrounding Witchblade’s arm grew into a long twisted sword that she raised over her head as she charged at me. I tried to reach into her mind but the consciousness in the sword was now resisting me.

Arthur, the ever-faithful sidekick, flopped out his wings and flew overhead. He dropped a plastic bag down around her. Momentarily confused about this strange attack, Witchblade whirled around, swinging the blade behind her, shredding the bag. Looking up, she saw Arthur hovering about her and she lunged at him. Arthur managed to swoop out of the way.

I switched the focus of my attack and went after the sword. I could sense that it was actually a trans-dimensional being of great power. As we struggled against each other, Witchblade kept leaping up and swinging at Arthur.

Probing for a weakness in the sword’s defenses, I realized it was the link between it and the girl. I unleashed a massive psionic feedback surge, which served to momentarily sever their connection. The sword and armor dropped off Witchblade and she stood there naked. Seizing the opportunity, I reached into her mind and erased any memory of my involvement in her gladiator match. And just for safe measure, I caused her to feel very friendly towards Arthur. I’d hate for her attempts at killing him to interfere with our detente.

Arthur, who was blushing like a virgin on prom night, offered Witchblade a plastic bag to wrap herself in. She seemed rather confused but did manage to put the bag on in an appropriate way.

By that time Klerg had gotten back to his feet. He seemed rather the worse for wear at this point but being the good warrior that he was, he joined in with our clean up efforts. Our crew scooped and scrubbed and in no time at all, our entire section was as sparkling as . . well, let’s just say it wasn’t as dirty any more.

Breaking Up The Party.

2006-07-25T09:53:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

Jon's new task for us to clean up the place...

I am going to get you for this Jon. I don't mean stealing all of your BLT's.

Well I got the basic humanoid part of the Horizon Amphitheater.

This won't be so bad. I start picking up. It's kind of nice. I am sure nothing bad could happen with this.

Then right on cue. I hear two (I think) guys arguing.

"You are a mockery of a warrior race." D'Argo Shouts out.

"Surely, You are not making light of a Klingon?" Worf asks.

"qaStaH nug?" I ask.

"This...'wannabie' has insulted me." Worf informs me.

"Only after you cut in front of me, while I was in line for the bathroom." D'Argo whines.

" I thought you were a holding the door...for real warriors." Worf tells him.

D'Argo responds with "Hab SoSlI 'Quch!"

Oh boy...He didn't just say that.

"You will pay for such a thing." Growls Worf.

Worf cracks the guy in the mouth. They start yelling and fighting each other.

"Sujatlh'e' yImev, cut it out!" I scream at the top of my lungs. As I break them up.

"tlhIngan maH!" a group bellows.

"I see my friends are by my side, prepare to pay for insulting a Klingon warrior." Worf yaps out.

"Foolish Klingon. I have friends too." D'Argo shrieks.

"Heqhlu'meH QaQ jajvam" The Klingons vociferate.

Next, they start shooting and blowing up the place.

"Wait, what are you doing? I have to clean up the Area." I freak out.

Later after the firefight, the two groups go out for drinks.

Leaving me with this...

Well, I have to get back to work. Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

To find out what was said click here.

Erifia's Cleaning Spree

2006-07-24T13:49:00.000-05:00

I would like to begin with this, and this alone. Jon is abusing his power as the host to make us do his cleaning. Its a conspiracy and I feel Jon is out to get us. Enough conspiracy theory.

My idea is to make it easiest on myself, at the same time do some really serious work. I do want to win, in the long run. I seem to remember, something I wrote a long, long time ago... One of my first entries on my journal.

This is how I feel about wookies.

So, naturally, I decided to take the Wookie section. Let's just say it was noticeable from outer space.

Yeah. It wouldn't be that bad. It couldn't be that bad. I walked up to it, grabbed a couple (hundred) trashbags, and I began to fill them with wookie hair. There were fleas, and there were ticks, all of which didn't try to get to me. I smiled, Absolutely no hair except my eyebrows. And even if they got there, they would find a good thick layer of skin underneath them. I lived with wookies for a month, I got calluses from the fleas, and they never went away.

I realized that wookies when the person the bet on loses, they rip hair out of each other.

Bag after Bag I filled. Soon, the wookie section had filled over fifty bags, all of which were buzzing with the life inside. Next section please..

The Next section was the Twi'lek section. I smiled, We Twi'leks are a clean and tidy people. All there was, was glowing mushrooms, and several cups that had been tipped over. That wasn't too bad... Then...

Then...

Then...

I was so shocked, I couldn't speak...

They hadn't left... They were still there... Still eating... Still excriting.

Decapodians, filthy nasty creatures. There are remains of food, and solient green, and force knows what else. Like there was a full buffet tossed over, and they were still eating... I rubbed my chin... Maybe this could be easier than I thought...

"Hey," I said to their leader, "I have a deal for you... I will give you and your people fifty bags of wookie hair, fleas and ticks, if you eat everything around you, and make it sparkle."

He looked at everyone else, "Only if you throw in a can of anchovies..."

"I'll make it two, and we'll say you have it done in fifteen minutes..."

I heard this weird screeching cry, and all of them began to suck and eat everything, save the cement and chairs. There was gum stuck on the ground for years, and it was gone, then they leapt to the twi'lek side, ate what I missed, and devoured the wookie side... I handed them the bags of wookie hair, and gave the leader the two cans of anchovies.

He screeched and in two moments, he and his people rushed away.

"SEE JON, I CAN DO ANY MENIAL TASK YOU SET ME UP TO!" I yelled.

I wiped my forhead. Whew, manupulating a whole specie into doing my work is sure thirsty work, I think I want some lemonade.

So if you'll excuse me, I have to go talk to Timmy Turner, I hear he's got good lemonade,

Lemon hugs and Ade kisses,
Erifia Apoc

Challenge #9

2006-07-24T07:19:00.000-05:00

The night's contests have been over for several hours. All of the spectators have left and the Horizon Ampitheater is dark and quiet.

AOC: Why are we just standing around here? The challenge is over.

Captain Picard: I don't understand this either, but we were told to wait.

Professor Xavier: The next challenge must be here. I can feel it.

Henchman: With your mental powers?

Professor Xavier: No. I've just seen enough of these reality shows is all.

Jon's image appears on a giant screen over the arena.

Jon: Hello Gladiators.

Gladiators: Hello.

Jon: Here's your next challenge. The arena is pretty messy from tonight's show. We need some people to clean it up.

Erifia: What?

Jon: Yep. Divide up the building and get cleaning, there's a lot of garbage in the aisles and under the seats, too.

Henchman: The whole arena?

Jon: That's right. Have fun everybody. Remember, different species act different ways to show their excitement or disapointment, so there may be some... unusual... garbage for you to clean up.

AOC: Somehow I think that this is going to be worse than cleaning out the wookie cages at the pound.

Jon: Probably. Also remember that many of these species also eat things that you might find unappetizing. Try not to let that get to you when you clean out the garbage cans and stuff.

Erifia: What could possibly be in--

Henchman: I don't even want to think about it.

Jon: Oh and one more thing, whoever cleans up over there where the monkeyboys sit, watch what you touch. They like throwing stuff.

Captain Picard: Ah yes, I remember seeing many frozen bananas flying through the air during one of the matches.

Erifia: Uh Captain, that's not all that they throw...

Captain Picard: Ugh. That's disgusting.

Last Gladiator Standing was brought to you in part today by Weekend at Chewie's.

Coming soon to a theater near you.

Tak Head To The LGS Bar To Meet His Admirer

2006-07-24T00:33:00.000-05:00

Continued from here and here

The Henchman spent the rest of the evening and much of the next day running over a date plan with me. I was to follow three basic rule:1) get the date to talk about herself, 2) try to relax and be myself and 3) make eye contact.

“You have a tendency to not make very direct eye contact with women, Tak. On the plus side you’re not staring at their chest like Hudson, so that’s good” The Henchman explained

“Also you will have a small microphone on you so I can hear what the two of you are saying. You’ll have a tiny earpiece so I can help you along if you run into any issues, but don’t worry I think you are going to do great.” He continued

“Really. Thanks for the vote of confidence.” I happily reply

“Remember just don’t panic. No matter what happens, know that I will have a back up plan. I didn’t survive this long on just by being strong and handsome.” The Henchman say with a smile

I give him the thumbs up and head off to the LGS bar.

*After Tak leaves, Professor X rolls up to The Henchman.

“Good move not having him wear that stupid armor. So what are our boy’s chances tonight.”

“ I say 7 to 1 that he runs screaming from the bar, poor bastard.” The Henchman replies *

I stroll in to the bar. I see Erifa getting a drink. No, it couldn’t be. No way. She comes towards me and then heads past me out to the pool. “Take a picture it’ll last longer, Perv”

See I knew there was no way.

I scan the bar. Several people are drinking. I notice Hudson, Xavier and Gyrobo are all trying not look at me, while looking at me. Then I spot one of the LGS camera crew, complete with sound guy. Man are they dedicated. They brought there equipment with them. I give them nod and small wave.

The Bartender, Sam, waves me over. “Tak, first I wanted to say your bar tab is getting dangerously close to it maximum….”

Yikes, there is a scary thought, LGS without drinking.

“… and you seem to have a guest or fan asking after you. She said to send you down. She sounded like a real cutie.” He beams at me.

“What do you mean “sounds like”? Didn’t you see her?” I ask

“Of course I saw her. But she was wearing a cloak down low over her face. But from what I could see, she was definitely build for speed.” The bartender smiles knowingly at me
“So your saying she was of narrow frame, with big legs. Like a runner or something?” I ask confused

“No, she looked like a go’er, if you know what I mean” this time the smile was almost a leer

“A go’er. Where did it look like she was going?” I was getting more confused

I hear The Henchman’s voice scream in my ear “Just ask him what *#@^ing table.”

“The Henchman wants to know what ta….”

“Don’t say I said anything …. Aruggggg!. Just ask what table. I making it 9 to 1 now.”

“What?” I said

The bartender asked “what?”

“The table, just ask which table” Henchman’s exasperated voice barks in my ear

“What table is my cloaked friend at?” I inquire of the bartender.

“Booth at the end. You want your usual sent down?

“Ye …” I start to say, but The Henchman’s voice come again “No. Do not get a Shirley Temple. Wait till you get to the table and order wine or beer. Just like I told you before. I’ll be in the bar shortly, so don’t do any thing stupid OK?”

“Uhh … No Sam. I’ll just head over to the table and see who is waiting for me. Can you check in a few minutes if we want some drinks?”

I start to walk to the last booth. Strange how six booths can seem like such a long way.

I see the women in the cloak. Her back is too me, which is good. It means I’ll be able to the Henchman from here.

“Hi, are you here for me?” I ask as I sit down

“Oh Tak, you came. What a dear you are!” she says as she pulls back the hood of her cloak.

“Hi.” I stammer and avert my gaze. Oh well some much for eye contact.

The End of Challenge #8

2006-07-23T21:37:00.000-05:00

Again Gladiators, this one was too close for comfort.

Who's bumbling, rambling, semi-coherent announcing neither kept the spectators glued to their seats nor furthered the storyline of the competitors?

It's with heavy heart (12% lead, 23% plutonium) that I must send one of you proverbially and/or literally packing.

Gyrobo, you are not Last Gladiator Standing. Goodbye.

Stay tuned for challenge #9.

Last Gladiator Standing was brought to you in part by the All Xenomorph Review.

See the all-singing, all-dancing All Xenomorph Review at the Hacknor-Hacknor Hotel, Casino and Nightclub on Fire Island LV.

Simon: I Call Them As I See Them

2006-07-21T22:10:00.000-05:00

Well, as I expected, that was a painful waste of time, listening to you all blubber on in your usual lack luster manner. Your attempts at humor were pathetic, your visual imagery was less defined than a preschoolers art class project, and you all sounded like a junior college sports announcer on the holo for the first time.

Normally, I'd revel in telling you how bad you all were. But the Baroness and I have a date, so unless you really want me tell you what I thought, I'll pass. But I can leave you my thoughts in the comment box if you really truely desire it.

The winner of immunity is Erifia. Send your votes on to Jon, and do whatever else it is you all do.

Cheers!
Simon

And Thats The Way It Was

2006-07-21T02:02:00.000-05:00

“Get out of my way, I’m commentating tonight!” I screamed, plowing my car through the screaming crowd. If they didn’t want to get out of the way in time, it was their own fault; they had all been warned at admission that once they entered the battledome, all their lives were forfeit.

“Sir? Sir, you can’t- ahhhhh!” cried an unfortunate usher as I crushed him under a whirlwind of spokes and rubber.

“Get out of my way! I’m commentating!” I yelled as I squeezed my air-horn out the automatic driver-side window. After driving with reckless abandon for a few minutes, I found the perfect parking space between two large potted trees. They might have been plastic, I don’t know; all I knew is, I wanted a spot with shade. So what if it was over a taco stand? There were dozens of them, all over the promenade!

“Help me... my legs! My legs!” a pathetic fluid-filled voice called from the crushed wreckage of tacos and plywood. I saw a middle-aged man in a blue uniform sticking partway out of the mess, covered in cheese and other assorted sauces.

“You! Puny human of taco origin! Where is the commentating booth?!” I growled into a megaphone right in his pudgy face. What? I wanted to make sure he heard me.

“Up those stairs...” he gestured with a bent and cheese-coated finger to a door about ten thousand millimeters away. It had a white sign with red letters on it: “Commentating Box.”

“Your assistance will be noted!” I praised, crushing his left arm as I walked to the door. “Now to see who my broadcast partner of mystery is.”

“Arghhhhhhh!” the fallen taco-man screamed. “So... painful! But... I’m comforted by the fact that... you’re commentating...”

***
“Well, well, well... hello, Uncle Walter.”

“That’s what they called me,” a confused Walter Cronkite said, sipping a cup of cold, bitter coffee. His lips were the color of dusty chalk; his eyes were like frozen olives.

“Silence your witty banter!” my voice boomed, permeated with melodrama (and a tad of regular drama, to keep things fresh). “I came here to do minute-by-minute commentary of tonight’s grudge match, not knit quilts with some... punk rocker.”

“Do you have any idea who I am?” Cronkite asked sarcastically.

“I really don’t. Who’s up tonight?”

“It’s, uh... you?”

“What?!” I squirted soda out my nose and all over Cronkite in surprise. “No, I’m commentating. I’m not fighting.”

“But it says right here...” the old man pointed to a program schedule as he reached into his pocket for a handkerchief, and proceeded to wipe the cheap soda from his expensive and tasteless clothes.

“Foolish Walter, that’s not me!” exhaling in relief, I pointed to the little “m” next to my name. “That’s a clear indication of ‘mirror double.’ One of tonight’s fighters is my mirror universe double,” I laughed, spraying him with bits of pretzels I had begun to pig out on.

“That’s... great.” Cronkite got up and tried to move his chair. Alas, the weight of the seat combined with his frail 90-year-old frame conspired to keep him in place. Curse my trick knee, thought the crusty anchor.

“Testing, one two three... testing...” I quietly whispered into the booth’s left-side microphone as Walter slid into his ergonomic booth lounger. I waved a box of cheese and meat chunks at the avuncular icon. “Yo, fatboy! You want some nachos?!”

“Um... no,” he said, looking a little green in the gills. I failed to see how such an incredulous man could have captivated the hearts and minds of the American people for so long... then again, he was pushing the century mark. Who was I, a poor chimney sweep of unstable constitution, to question the society I had scorned for so long?

“Those people down there sure are cheering loudly,” I remarked.

“Yeah... why don’t you go join them? I think I can handle the match... alone... from up here.”

“Sure are cheering loudly,” I continued, oblivious to his subtle hints. “Hey, when does this thing start, anyhow? I’ve got an appointment with the Prime Minister of Russia, we’re plotting.”

He pulled a gold pocket watch out of his velvety sleeve, squinting his nervous eyes to make out the time... if only the fool had gone digital!

“Ladies and gentlemen!” he yelled, flipping the microphones on at full power, “are you ready for the fight of your lives?!”

The crowd went wild, throwing fries, chips, and flaming mice. As per the nondisclosure agreement I signed with the Intergalactic Gladiating Federation, I’m forbidden from saying whether the mice were optical, scroll, or biological.

“Tonight we have a real torch march,” I announced into my microphone, misreading the script. “We’ve got, in this corner, the sultan of the summer solstice, your grind and mine, Alternate Universe Gyrobo!”

I was quite pleased by the reaction; several of the spectators began doing “the wave.” I was markedly less impressed when the wave reached the section of the audience reserved for the morbidly obese.

“And in this corner,” Cronkite read, “standing at .89012 meters, the ultimate arbiter, fresh from her inner tube-themed road trip with Karl Rove, Oregon Trail!”

The audience may have been impressed; nay, they were thrilled. But I knew better. Oregon Trail was Borg, and therefore would handily defeat my impish double.

“Walter!” I hissed, covering my microphone, “I need you to cover for me while I cancel the dinero I’ve got riding on my alternate self.”

He stared at me in horror and disbelief, like when you see a guy mopping up the floor at a restaurant, and you walk right in front of him and drag your dirt-covered shoes all over the reflective surface. It was that kind of look.

“You’re honor-bound as a commentator to not place bets...”

“Oh. That’s good, because I didn’t place any.”

“You just said-”

“It looks like Oregon Trail is taking the lead!” I screamed through the speakers, cutting Cronkite off at the pass. Down below, the throngs of Intergalactic supporters cheered and hooted as the behemoths squared off. Oregon Trail began to move forward, servos buzzing; my mirror copy just stood there.

“State our designation,” Oregon Trail demanded of the mindless automaton. Curses! It was over now... all over...

“Leave him alone! He’s just a little boy!” I cried, banging on the protective blast shield of the commentary box.

By the shimmering light of the battledome, I could see Mirror-Me shift to meet Oregon Trail’s gaze.

“You are not an authorized user,” the brave battle droid output with the force of a thousand runtime compilers.

“State our designation.”

“You are not an authorized user.”

“State our designation.”

“You are not an authorized user.”

“State our designation.”

“You are not an authorized user...”

45 Minutes Later

“State our designation.”

“You are not an authorized user...”

I handed Walter Cronkite another box of nachos. It was the fifth one I was on, and the third that we had shared.

“...Kennedy. And to this day, they still won’t let anyone in to see what really happened.”

“That was the greatest story I’ve ever heard,” I said, piling another empty cheese-covered box onto the stack. “Hey... is it getting quiet down there?”

We both listened, hearing only the exchange of computer-generated phrases with no conscious thought in sight. The audience had been completely demoralized, to the point where they had lost the drive to even leave the stadium. The piteous souls! I thought, bringing a touch of melodrama to my brainpan.

“Oh dude, did you just see that?!” I hollered into the speaker. Everyone down below jumped a little, and I’d say about half of them were jarred from what would otherwise have been a restful nap. “Mirror-Me just spin-kicked Oregon Trail! Right in the head! I’ve never seen such... carnage! Now it looks like she’s coming around for another pass, folks!”

“What are you- what are you looking at?” Walter grabbed the edge of our Plexiglas table, watching the stationary fighters as they proceeded their repetitive banter. “What are you looking at?!”

“And there you- oh! That’s gonna sting in the morning, folks! Wow, Oregon Trail just sucker-punched Mirror-Me right in the kidneys! I had no idea robots had kidneys, people! Oh, but she’s... don’t get overconfident, Oregon Trail! Just look at her, strutting around the rink, shameful!” The crowd booed the Borg prizefighter, shaking their fists in utter futility.

“Hey,” Walter whispered. “What do you think you’re doing?!” he nudged, grabbing my arm with his clammy, clammy paw. “They aren’t moving.”

“And now it’s Mirror-Me with a chainsaw! Wow, I don’t know if nano-probes can repair chainsaw wounds!” I laughed. The crowd ate it up. Looking over to the ratings meter, there was a visible spike. The viewers at home must be enjoying themselves, I socketed away in my head. This kind of psychological phenomena would come in handy once I begin my campaign to conquer this world.

“I can’t believe it, folks! Oregon Trail just grabbed the chainsaw away from Mirror-Me, and she’s using it to maximum effect!” I paused. “Now she’s going for the fire escape! If she sets it off, this match is over... and there she goes!” I screamed, trying to outmatch the legions of yelping fans; but they were many, and I, with my stadium-wide sound system, was a single individual.

“COME ON!” Walter boomed. He hit the microphone away from my hands, and started yelling into the one on his side of the desk. “He’s not even making sentences that make sense anymore! They aren’t moving!”

The crowd began to die down, their team spirit replaced by the bitter ectoplasmic residue of defeat.

“And you...” he pointed an accusing finger at me. “You... I want you out of this office!” he was almost in tears.

“What’s your problem?” I fired back. “I’m just trying to have a little fun. Lighten up, Mondale.”

I think that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Cronkite’s face began to tense up; little wrinkles died and were born again by the rims of his eyes. His whole body shook, his clenched hands reminding me of a paint shaker I saw at a lumber supply store one time, when I was a child. Veins bulged out of his neck and eyeballs.

“Get-”

He blinked a few times, widening his eyes with each clap of the lids. The shaking stopped as he reached for his chest.

“Auhhhhh!”

“Oh, ho ho, uh-oh.”

“Help... me...”

My army training not kicking in, as I was never in the army, I did the only thing I could. I picked up a box of nachos, shoveled some into my mouth, and ran for the microphone, stopping only to straighten a pile of old newspapers Walter had knocked over as he fell to the floor.

“Uh... hello? We have a situation here!” the microphone felt cold this time. So very cold.

“Who won?” asked a faint voice from the bleachers. Others followed suit, and soon spectators were arguing, yelling, throwing flaming mice again.

“Is there a doctor in the battledome?” I pleaded. Walter had to live... if not, questions would be asked about what had gone on in the commentary box... investigations would begin... rock stars would be discovered locked in basements...

“I’m a doctor!” a lone voice called up from the mass of humanity.

***
I opened the “staff only” door, allowing the eager young physician in.

“He’s right this way,” I said as we jogged up the stairs. “Is he having a heart attack?”

“We won’t know until I can examine him personally.”

Walter was sprawled out on the floor, clutching his chest with his right arm as the left dangled uselessly at his side.

“Left arm... so numb...”

“It’s all right, Walter!” I screamed loudly, hoping it would shock him back to normal. “The doctor is here!”

“Okay, let’s have a look at the little trooper...”

“I... taste... copper...”

“My word!” the doctor exclaimed, stethoscope dropping as if by magic. “This man isn’t having a heart attack at all!”

“My whole upper body hurts...”

“Then what’s wrong with him?!” I cried, unable to contain myself any longer. Misanthropic he may have been, but I had to try and save him!

“He’s in labor!” the doctor yelled, sliding his hands around Walter’s ankles. “Give me a hand. If we can get him on this table, I can save this baby!”

“Shortness of breath... increasing...”

“Yeah...” I looked at the pocket watch I- the watch Walter gave me before he collapsed. “Looks like the match is over. See you two later,” I waved, running down the stairs.

“Don’t leave me...”

“It’s going to be fine, sir! I’m fully equipped to deliver your child!”

Cronkite turned to the stairs. “Don’t leave me!”

***
“Eh?” Bill grunted. He was the janitor, working a late (or early, from some perspectives) shift at the Intergalactic Gladiating Federation’s battledome. The fight last night was huge, and there were so many plastic cups and burnt-out mice to be picked up. “Someone there?”

He walked through the ceremonial jewel-encrusted entranceway. There were two people still in the stadium. Fans, most likely, in his experience.

“Get out of the ring!” he tried to shout. But either they couldn’t hear him, or just didn’t care. “Eh, who needs ya...”

He slammed the door shut behind him, and all was quiet. Then, out of nowhere:

“State our designation.”

“You are not an authorized user.”

Hacknor World Wrestling

2006-07-20T09:28:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

Welcome to Hacknor World Wrestling at the Horizon Amphitheater.

Hacknor World Wrestling is owned by the HWWE.

To my right is a man who needs no introduction. But, I'm going to give it to him anyway.

Mr. Mean Gene Okerlund.

Mean Gene: Hello folks and welcome to Hacknor World Wrestling.

Shop Hacknor World Wresting at hww.HWWE.com

432: Well today fans, we have a 2 on 1 grudge match.

Mean Gene: Thats right.Ignignokt and Err

V.S.: Stewie.

432: Right, as we see Ignignokt and Err or in the ring. Stewie is running down the ram.

M.G.: Oh my god. He's taking them both on, Stewie is a house on fire.

432: Look at him go. I've heard Stewie was an expert at 2 on 1, but thought that ment something different.

M.G.: This type of action is only on Hacknor World Wrestling.

Hacknor World Wresting get the gladiator out.

432: Oh no the numbers game has caught up to Stewie.

M.G.: They are giving Stewie a savage beating.

432: Wait a minute, wait a minute...here comes Brian.Here comes Brian.

M.G.: Oh no, this is unbelievable. Brian is just standing there.

432: I never thought this would happen. Wait...wait. Oh no Brian hits Stewie.Brian hits Stewie.

M.G.: what a betrayal.

432: This is the greatest crime in the history of mankind.

M.G. I concur.Wait what's this...Stewie is up. Stewie is up...

432: Wow, this guy is amazing. He really giving it to Brian.

M.G.: Chair, chair Ignignokt and Err catch Stewie from behind with a chair.

432: Stewie getting the stuffing beat out of him. This a just wrong, wrong...

M.G.: Who's running down the ramp...

432: It's Brak and Clammy.

M.G.: About time someone came and put an end to this travesty.

432: It's Brak, Clammy and Stewie. And they are cleaning house and taking out the trash.

M.G.: What a night brought to you by Hacknor World Wrestling.

432: Dental for All. Dental for all.

Hacknor World Wrestling. Vist hww.HWWE.com and buy offical HWWE merchandise

Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

AOC: Announcing The Truth

2006-07-18T22:25:00.000-05:00

I get to announce for a Intergalactic Gladiator match. This is great, I can remember all the times as a youth on Kamino I would dream about making the big time in the announcing circles.

Oh wait, that wasn’t me, that was DA 199 who died in the cherry bomb in the toilet incident.

Who in their right mind would ever want this crappy job?

“Hi, I am Dick Butkus!” a voice boomed “I’ll be your co-commentator today. You’re a funny looking one. Are you an ex-gladiator turned announcer like me?”

“No, I am just a Last Gladiator Standing contestant.” I reply

“I am a retired Gladiator. Did you know I am in the IG Hall of Fame? I have also appeared in movies and was a regular on T.V. Yes, I have lived quite a life …”

“Hey, Mr. Butt Kiss, stop talking about the old days and fill me in on what the heck were doing here. I heard enough boring old gladiator stories when I stopped by the retirement home earlier.”

“Ooohh, was it Bran Waffle night? And it is pronounced BUTT KUS”

I just stare at him.

“OK then, Captain tighty whitey let’s get on with the match” Butkus hands me a program sheet.

Looking over the event I see that we are announcing for Spar T. Kus and Mr. Robo T.

“Hey Butt kiss, why do we have ugly old guys and the others got hot women in skimpy clothing?”

Butkus shrugs “I’m not sure. The mics are going live. Read the introduction script. And stop calling me butt kiss.”

I quickly grab the script and start reading. “What an event we have you today folks. Two of our greatest Gladiators: Spar T. Kus and Mr. Robo T … hey Butt kiss, would that make this the battle of the Tees?”

“Just read the script armor head”, Butkus snaps

“Uh yeah … these two great champions are going to do battle for you today. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? … Butt kiss, was that loud enough, it said use a big voice and …”

“The microphone is on you moron, just keep to the script.” Butkus growls at me under his breath.

“What you mean like the “Gladiators” in the ring are going to do?” I snap back (score one for the Tak, oh yeah)

“What are you saying, little man. Are you trying to imply that the Intergalactic Gladiator Federation is some how fake?” Butkus says with venom in his voice.

“I don’t know, it seem kind of fake to me. Look at these two; they have got to be in their mid-fifties. Are they really going to be able to fight?’

“Listen here, you snot nose little punk. Being a Gladiator is hard work and it is a physically demanding sport. Do you know how hard we have to train? And those guys are going to fight hard. Spar T. Kus has a heat laser in that sword of his. When that goes off Mr. Robo T will have to have something pretty fancy up his sleeve to beat that. Of course this is a real fight!” Butkus deliverers the line with enthusiasm and a tear forms in the corner of his eye.

“I still say it’s fake. If I wanted some slick prepackaged entertainment, I would just buy a condom. I mean come on, all Spar T. Kus has to do is shoot his “laser” sword at Mr.Robo T’s gold chains. The melting gold would short circuit his roboness. But will that happen? Nooooo. Because it is fake.”

“What are you doing, you can’t give the Gladiators advice like that!” Butkus screamed at me.

In the arena, I see Spar T. Kus look at his sword and then blast Mr. Robo T gold chains. Robo T yells out “I pity the fool who helps my nemesis!” as the melting gold runs into his circuitry. Mr. Robo T falls down.

“OK,” I announce into the mic “It looks like Spar T. Kus has won the day.” I can barley be heard over the booing of the fans.

“I am going to stomp the heck out of you!” Butkus shrieks at me and jumps up.

I almost don’t get my blaster out in time. I fire three stun shot at Butkus and he goes down like a wounded Bantha.

I hear Hudson voice come over the intercom. “TK 266 what going on up there.”

I reply. trying to sound official, “Everything is under control. Situation normal.”

Hudson asked “What happened?”

“Uh...had a slight weapons malfunction. But, uh, everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?” I respond nervously.

Hudson tells me “I’m sending a maintenance squad up.”

“Uh, uh, negative. We had a reactor leak here now. Give us a few minutes to lock it down. Large leak...very dangerous.” I stammer out.

“What do you mean a reactor leak? Stay there, I coming up.” Hudson calls back.

Well, look at the time. I think it is beer thirty over at the LGS bar. I zip out before Hudson get up to the booth.

The Big Fight With Picard & Motty

2006-07-18T13:00:00.000-05:00

Jean-Luc: Welcome, everybody to the Horizon Ampitheatre for the big fight; tonight, as my guest commentator, I have Motty, the esteemed English soccer commentator, who is known for his love of trivial facts.

Motty: thank you, Jean-Luc; did you know that it was in this very stadium 14 years ago that Mick the Masher finally managed to beat Neutron Nick after five attempts. I was always considered a very unlucky stadium fgor Mick at first, when....

Jean-Luc: Thank you, Motty, but perhaps we ought to remember the match in hand.

Motty: Of course; by the way, this will be the 1037th match that I've commentated on; it's a career that spans back more than 30 years when Hereford beat Newcastle United in the FA Cup; then, of course, I was...

Jean-Luc: The referee is just coming out to introduce the competitors.

Motty: With The Baroness as referee, the fighters know that they daren't put a foot wrong here, otherwise she will penalise them; I remember in a match last year when she machine-gunned a competitor because he infringed a penalty. He kept on talking when she told him...

Jean-Luc: The Baroness is just going to speak....

The Baroness: Now for the main event of the evening; on my left is Ororo Munroe, known as 'Storm', and on my right is Raven Darkholme, known as 'Mystique'.

Jean-Luc: This is going to be a real grudge match...

Motty: ....they have been struggling to fight each other; anything can happen right now, they are real enemies; this all started when Storm said to Mystique...

Jean-Luc: ...And the bell goes off; Storm blasts Mystique with her favourite move, the lightning strike and hits her against the ropes.

Motty: She's down already! Mystique is down already! This could be a very fast match. The fastest match I ever saw was three years ago was on Celsus IV when The Gurgitator made mincemeat of his opponent...and the referee.

Jean-Luc: Storm is pushing to get at Mystique, but The Baroness won't let her until the count is over...

Motty: The Baroness is threatening to shoot Storm with her pistol unless she goes to her corner; she is a tough referee, and won't stand for any trouble; I remember when...

Jean-Luc: Mystique is up and ready to go again; she is about to shapeshist; she changes into a replica of Storm and lunge at each other...which is which?

Motty: I think Storm is the one one the left...no it's the one on the right as she is given a triple head lock and changes back...did you know that Mystique has been a loyal member of the Brotherhood, and has served Magneto since...

Jean-Luc: Mystique now changes to a replica of The Baroness; this will confuse Storm temporarily, as she daren't attack the referee!

Motty: Not with those machine guns she's got; actually, I don't think The Baroness will be too happy about that. The last time she was a referee the...

Jean-Luc: The Baroness has shot her duplicate! As she lies on the floor she reverts to Mystique, and Storm uses a cyclone to lift the two of them up in the air.....

Motty: ....then she let's Mystique fall on the floor, while Storm effortlessly flies down.

Jean-Luc: It's a stunning victory for Storm! Professor Xavier will be happy for her.

Motty: Indeed he will, Jean-Luc. Let me just consult my 'Bumper Book Of Trivia' to see how much more I can say about their relatives, times they've met, history and....

Jean-Luc.....that wraps up this fight; goodnight, everybody.

A famous fight of the ages; Erifia Apoc's Commentary

2006-07-18T09:36:00.000-05:00

I had to call up a couple old teachers for this. When I was younger, I was the only one in their class, and thankfully I turned out okay... It was the "Future of your Personality" class. I remember the class well.

Flashback:
"Boy are you pretty..." Said one of my professors.
"Pretty ugly!"
They both began to laugh together.

I wanted to cry.

"Now she wants to cry."
"We've seen better acting done by Leonardo d'Caprio."
"Ha!"

I pouted my lip...

Needless to say, the year with Proffessor Statler and Proffessor Waldorf opened my eyes to how much the world actually sucked, and how much fun it would be to sit back and make fun of them. They agreed instantly to help, they somehow, actually liked me over the course of that year... I think it was the final examine when I made all the younglings cry at their play. (Not my fault, all I told them was I had seen better acting done by Jessica Simpson, I think even at that age they recongized a bad actress, ha!)

They arrived within the hour, and I had to build them a balcony to sit in, so they would commentate with me.

"Hey Erifia, can you see us?" Statler said through his mic.
Waldorf covered his, "Cause we don't want to see you."
"Ha!"

"Yes, I can see you guys fine, my eyes still are burning," I said.

Together we all laughed.

"Erifia, is that Simon wanna be us Cowell sitting over there?"

"I think so... Yes, actually it is."

"Ha!" And that's all they said.

"Okay boys, we got a good show for them tonight." I said

"It can't be that good." Waldorf said
"You're on it Erifia." Statler finished

"True but it has two famous combatants who have fought countless duels and want a grudge match for tonight. Kim Possible vs. Shego."

"They are doing the old stare down technique I've used it many times in battle, its all about who lowers their guard a little first."

"Zzzzzzz...."
"Zzzzzzz...."
"I've not been this bored since I last saw Lost in Translation," Waldorf said waking up.

"Oh, and they come out swinging! This is amazing, I'm not sure I could have such an explosive start, unless I had my saber."

"That's nothing!"
"Give us some beans! We'll show you explosive."
"Ha!"

"I'd like you to notice Shego's glowing hands. She gained these powers from a magic-rainbow-colored meteor that struck her tree-house when she was little. Believe it or not, Kim started to learn to fight from Cheerleading practice," I explained.

"Give her blonde hair and that sidekick of hers, with that little rat, and it becomes..."
"A blonde-tourage! Ha!"

"That's true, I'm actually favoring Shego in this fight... Because honestly, Kim is just a cheerleader, what's she going to do, put spirit into Shego. For real."

"Whoa! I hadn't seen such a cheap kick, since we saw that Mortal Kombat movie..."
"Boy was that cheap... But not as cheap as this theater, way to go Jon."
"He's an intergalatic gladiator you know?"
"So what's that mean?"
"Nothing! Ha!"

"uhm... guys..." I said, "Let's not insult the host, he could make my life miserable..."

"You live your life, how much more miserable can it get?" Statler yelled.

"And believe it or not, Shego recovered from that cheap kick, and came back with an almost five point palm exploding heart technique, but Kim countered, and look at Shego! Wow... They are in a grapple now..."

"Zzzzz..."
"Zzzz..."

"And there is a toss! Wow! Kim's in Shego's grasp."

"Wait... So what you're saying is the hero is losing?"
"To the sidekick of the villain?"
"This might actually go somewhere afterall."
"Right to the B rate fights list!"

"Shego has her, it could end Kim's career! What's she doing? How dumb can you get?"

"I don't know..." Woldorf replied.
"She could become you!" Statler finished.

"Or she could look at one of you," I replied, "Shego is backing off, wait! No... She's destroying the walkway... Kim is falling, and Shego is jumping... Apparently there is some sort of helicopter coming in... and Shego's on the rope ladder, and Kim has hit the ground..."

"Just like this shows ratings."
"With characters like Erifia Apoc, how can Jon expect to get anyone watching."

"Now they are doing the classic defeat and staredown scenario. Kim Possible in theory has lost to Shego, but Shego ran away from combat... The judges are deciding... And... It looks like Since Shego dealt the most damage, she has won..."

"Won what? Most typical fight ever?"
"Or shortest fight ever? That was only six pictures..."
"They can do better than that..."
"No they can't, they are drawn by disney!"

"Ha!" We all laughed together.

I spoke, "Thanks for watching this colossal match, I'd also like to thank my old professors Statler and Waldorf. They made things interesting."

"Somebody had to!" They screamed together.

"If you'll excuse me, I need to get these two guys home..."

"Hugs (because she is so typical)" Statler said.
"And Kisses (because she uses this gag everywhere)" Waldorf said.
"Erifia (I'm a doofus) Apoc." They said together.

Xavier Calls The Shots

2006-07-17T18:18:00.000-05:00

As I rolled into the announcer’s booth at the arena, my sidekick Arthur lowered the umbrella he had been holding over my head. “Gee, Professor Xavier,” he gushed, “I’m really looking forward to announcing this gladiator match with you.”

I looked back awkwardly at him. “Actually Arthur, I think the producers, er, wanted to go in a different direction with this one.”

“W-what?”

“They’ve arranged for someone with a little more experience to co-announce.” I pointed to the man sitting in the chair next to the space reserved for me. The wizened old timer turned around.

“Hey everybody!” he exploded.

“Um,” Arthur said, “but I thought Harry Carray was, well you know, dead?”

“Don’t be rude Arthur,” I chastised.

My sidekick’s eyes fell to the floor. “B-but I was really kind of looking forward to us doing something together. It seems like I’m not any use to you at all. You didn’t take me to the Astral Plane or anything.”

“As it happens, I have a very important assignment for you Arthur.” He brightened up almost instantly. “I need you to go and recalibrate the heat sensors on my hover chair’s Stinger missiles.”

Arthur happily trotted off to perform his task. Or at least, he thought he was happy, if you know what I’m saying.

I approached the microphone, taking my place next to Harry Carey.

“Well hey everybody!” he shouted suddenly into his mike. “Welcome to Wrigley Field here in lovely downtown Chic-“

“Actually Harry,” I quickly interrupted into the mike, “this is the planet Hacknor and that is the Horizon Amphitheater below us. And I believe those are our gladiators coming out of their respective gates now to greet each other before the fight. Let’s see here . . the playbill says today’s match is going to be Witchblade versus . . Vampirella?!”

“Holy cow! Those are two really hot chicks!”

“Um, yes. It must be sweeps week, I guess.” Vampirella? We had gone out briefly before I started dating Magdalena. Well this is going to be a bit awkward.

“Hey!” shouted Harry. “You can really see how the back of their thongs are wedged so deeply between their nicely rounded -"

“Yes!” I hurriedly interrupted. “Yes, I’m sure we can all see what you mean. Let’s try to keep this family oriented, shall we?”

“Hey! I wonder how they get all the blood stains out of the stone floor. Blood can be really tough. How do you think they do it?”

“Well I don’t really know Harry. But it looks like the fight has started, so let’s just focus on that, shall we?”

“Wow! That Witchblade girl just fired some kind of daggers or something as that vampire chick. Man, she is good. A real professional warrior. I wonder what she’s doing here?”

“I think Witchblade has had some free time since her TV show got cancelled.”

“Holy cow! Look at that powerful kick Vampirella just landed on Witchblade. She’s going to be feeling that. I could feel that from up here."

"Hey! I thought Vampirella was dead.”

“You should talk,” I muttered. Out loud I said, “Actually I think this battle is taking place before Vampirella’s blog post number 179.”

“Hey! Witchblade just leapt back to her feet! She’s countering with a series of devastating blows. Ow! Ow! Ow! She is tearing that poor vampire chick apart. The crowd is on their feet. Listen to that roar! Another right to the midsection! Ouch! And now Vampirella is down. I don’t think she’s going to be getting up after that. It might be . . it could be . .”

Oh no! My poor poor Vampirella. She looks really hurt. I hate to see her like this. I just can’t let her lose. She means far too much to me. I know she’d be very upset if I interfered but . . maybe I can buy her a few moments to recover . . if I just reach into Witchblade’s mind . . there . . now implant fear . . she’s cowering back . . staying her weapon . . Vampirella is regaining her strength . . she’s getting up! Good, that gave Vampirella a chance.

“Hey! That vampire chick is getting up! She’s one tough little cookie! Witchblade can’t believe it! She’s just standing there in shock! The vampire swings and . . it’s good!! Wow! What a hit! She’s knocked Witchblade out of the park! Home run!!”

“Game over,” I said.

Challenge #8

2006-07-17T09:50:00.000-05:00

The contestants ride in a hover bus to another island. They look and see a giant coliseum looming in front of them.

Professor X: Oh my, that's the...

Henchman: ...Biggest...

Captain Picard: ...Amazing...

The bus lands and the contestants get out to meet Jon.

Jon: Welcome to the Horizon Amphitheater and the big show.

Erifia: You mean we're going to be competing in there?

Jon: Well yes, in a sense.

Gyrobo: Can I fight a pirate? I want to fight a pirate!

AOC: Then I want to fight a droid. Damn robots are always trying to kill me. No offense.

Gyrobo: None taken.

Henchman: Yeah, let's do this thing!

Jon: Not so fast, you won't actually be fighting in there.

Professor X: That's good because, uh, I abhor violence. That's something that my, er, evil twin would want to do. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Erifia: Too bad, I wanted to smash something.

Jon: Nope, the card for tonight is already set. Your challenge is to call one of the matches.

Gyrobo: Doing play-by-play for Intergalactic Gladiating contests has always been one of my strengths!

Henchman: Uh yeah, mine too...

Jon hands everyone a program.

Jon: Here's tonight's card with all of the gladiators' information. You will have a broadcast partner, so you're not doing this alone. Oh yes, and you may have noticed that I consolidated the teams. That means that you will be competing for individual immunity. Good luck.

Last Gladiator Standing was brought to you in part today by the Cobra Laundromat.

Get your blues bluer and your blacks blacker at the Cobra Laundromat.

So the next time you dirty up your uniform from bailing out of a helicopter before it is shot down or jumping from your tank just before it's hit by a Joe missile, bring it to the Cobra Laundromat.

Mention this ad and get 10% discount on all of your masks!

The End of Challenge #7

2006-07-17T07:20:00.000-05:00

OK Gladiators, it was a close one.

Who will not be fighting for goodness and justice around here any more?

Whoever is going on to the next round, please raise your Spear of Destiny.

Not so fast Magdelena.

Magdelena, you are not the Last Gladiator Standing. Goodbye.

Stay tuned for Challenge #8.

Last Gladiator Standing was brought to you in part today by JangoADE.

When you work hard, know that the man who made this drink works hard, too.

Jango Fett bled for this drink, he sweat for this drink, and he cried for this drink. That's right, rest assured that the hardest working bounty hunter in the galaxy put his blood, sweat, and tears into every bottle of JangoADE.

So drink JangoAde, or else he might shoot you, too.

Tak Panics Over His Phone Call

2006-07-15T22:34:00.000-05:00

Continued from here

As I hang up the phone panic hits me like a Star cruiser. I have faced battle droids, Ackleys, and an annoying Republic Senator, but all that pales in comparison to the idea of a date.

Okay, maybe it is not a date. It just meeting for drinks, that’s all, no big deal. I’ll meet this mystery women at the bar, have a drink, chat a little, then call it a night. Easy. No problem. It’s not really a date.

Then why am I sweating like a Hutt in a donut shop? Why does my stomach feel like it keeps rolling over? And why the heck am I having this much internal dialogue?

Okay I need to calm down and find someone to talk to about this problem. Hudson catches up with me in the hall.

“Hey Tak. Why the long face. Not that I can see it under you helmet, but you seem a little nervous for some reason. What the matter worried about your DATE!!!!”

“What? It not a date! Just a person who want to talk to me … about the show I’m sure.” I reply without much confidence.

“Don’t worry, My warrior brother. I got just the book for you … written by an expert …”

“Not your women I loved or who loved me or whatever the heck it was book?”

‘No, No! this is another book read it and if it don’t help you, nothing will. It will be dating game over for you.” Hudson hand me the book and walks away.

I look down at the cover. Oh Snap. This is just want I need.

Professor X come rolling up the hall and sees the book I am carrying.

“What in God green earth are doing with that awful book Tak?” he admonishes

“Uhh … Well … Hudson … phone call … Hudson … maybe a date ….” I stammered out

The Professor does lift his hand to his head and enters my mind.

“Dang it!’ I shout “Just don’t sneak up on a guys brain like that. Geez what about personal space.

“Sorry you man, I am just trying to help. So you have a blind date … Hmmm … and your worried about what the viewers will think … or just is it just one viewer.”

I begin running tech semantics through my head and tell the Professor about the call, the meeting for drinks, and my small bit of anxiety about a date.

“I see Tak. Well dealing with women is very easy. All you have to do is figure out what they want. Take me for instance. I try to learn as much about a lady as I can before a date. Her like and dislikes, what food she like, whether she like sherry or port. Then I apply all I have learned and make it the best evening possibly for my lovely companion.”

“Easy for you to say Professor, you can read minds. I haven’t even been on a date before.” I was out before I even though about it.

The professor looks at me with a little disbelief. “Well then your up that proverbial creek with out the proverbial paddle, my lad.” He turn and rolls off in the direction of Maggie’s room.

I head to my room in full panic mode, when I see The Henchman say goodbye to the purple biker girl from our night on the town.

After she leaves I go up to him. “Hey Henchman, I have a small problem that I would like to talk to you about.”

“I’m not killing any of the competition on the show, Tak. I think it is against the rules in our contract.” Henchman says

“What? Kill another … Uhh, no that not my problem. I have a date later this week, that’s my problem.”

“Why does it conflict with you seeing another lady?”

“No, Uhh no. It not because of a conflct with another lady. The problem is …”

“Is it another man or something … Not that there is a problem with that or anything, just not my bag.” The Henchman replies with a smile

I just stare at him for a minute, then he starts to smile. “Oh, come on I am just messing with you Tak. Tell me what you need and I’ll see what I can do for you.”

I explain the phone call, the getting together for drinks and my not having been on a date before.

“But you’re, what, 25 or 30 right? How have you never been on a date?” He asks

“I don’t like to admit this to a lot of people, but I am only 12.” I reply quietly

“Twelve!” Henchman says in shock

“Well, 12 next month” I admit “10 years of accelerated growth and leaning , 17 months of fighting the droids and here I am, almost 12.”

The Henchman look at me with a raised eyebrow. “I think we should keep the 12 part under wraps, I don’t want to lose a drinking buddy. As for you date here is what were are going to do. Have you ever heard of Cyrano de Bergerac …”

To be continued

Yo Dog, It's Me and My (Evil) Shadow

2006-07-15T08:30:00.000-05:00

It was quiet on the set of LGS, but I knew it was my turn. I went to the room with the Dimensional Portal and I turned it on (it was as easy as workin' a mixing board). It hummed to life and a figure stepped through.

: Yo dog, you look tight! That outfit is too much!

: Yo dog, the phrase "Yo dog" is so done. Nobody says "Yo dog," yo.

: Yo dog, you're kidding, right? This phrase is off tha hook!

: Yo dog, No it isn't. It's pathetic. So why'd you bring me here anyways, dog?

: Yo dog, I had to confront my evil twin. Everyone else is doing it, I had to do it, too, yo.

: Well here I am, dog.

: OK, this bites, dog. Just tell me what you do, dog.

: Well dog, I write and produce music.

: Lame.

: I, uh, am the judge of Last Gladiator Standing and Alderaan Idol.

: Lame.

: I have my own line of loose-fitting and fashionable men's wear.

: Lame.

: Well, OK, dog, then what do you do?

: Well dog, I conquer planets.

: That's horrible!

: I destroy cities.

: That's terrible!

: I also write beat poetry.

: Beat poetry?

: Well a guy's got to have a hobby.

: Well dog, I guess I should be going.

: Yeah dog, I guess you should go.

Simon: Me, Myself and I

2006-07-14T19:56:00.000-05:00

I must admit, I was impressed with most of your adventures. My alternate self and I got to watch your exploits. I am so disappointed in my alternate being, he is a wuss, a passive aggressive wuss. And he really isn’t a he. Apparently at the ripe age of 19, my alternate self popped some pills, stepped in the Altman Rearrangement machine and came out a girl. And since then she’s filled the world with ‘good things’. She can crochet, knit, embroider, cook, blah blah blah blah, I stopped listening after cook. She also lends her talents to advertising. Apparently she is responsible for the ‘get your girl out’ motto that Dummer sport utility vessel ad. Such a credit to her gender.

So, since you had to interact with another you, I must interact with another me, no matter how much I want to kill her with a rolling pin.

Erifia
:I think you should have brought yourself back, or at least borrowed one of her pink outfits. As we all saw with Aalya, constant misery gets really old really fast. And constant rage gets ugly really fast. Have you ever tried writing as a way of relieving rage? Just a thought

: Erifia, dear, have you every thought buying a complete outfit instead of tarting it up in dead animal skin? It’s a very primitive look, and it’s not a good thing.

Maggie
: Uhh, hunh. While you were one of the few contestants to provide an idea of what your alternate universe was like, I worry that you may be trying to take the role of drama queen this week. Life can’t be all that bad, you did have time to do LGS.

: Excellent use of accessories. And it’s a smart woman who gets a Brazilian wax before sporting a thong in public. While your look works for your job, it wouldn’t be a good thing to pop by the Vatican wearing.

Xavier
:Who’d have thought you’d be the evil one? But I suppose if one to take a quick sample of the destruction that your people leave behind, it’s not all that surprising.

:Charles, dear, what was your other self wearing? And there is nothing worse than a man who is balding on top who grows what hair he has into a pathetic ponytail. Your alternate self was a bad bad thing.

Picard
: It’s very sad that your alternate self had to die such a way. He must have had a crew of wimpy sods if they didn’t rescue him. I’m sure it makes you appreciate the crew you have.

: While tanning is no longer a safe thing to do, a spray tan would have benefited Locutus greatly. It can be hard to hide devices required by the community, but he did a nice job making it look as natural as possible, which is a good thing.

AOC
:Yours was perhaps the most riveting experience. While it was a nasty shock to me that my other self was a lady, to discover an accountant would have brought me to tears. And to think, the Jedi were evil mater minds of the corporate world. Those must have been scary times.

: I must disagree with your opinion about the blue shirt, airy tunic tops are all the rage this season, being cool and airy. The blue reminds me of the sea. And the yellow armor was a good thing.

Henchman
: Well, your story started off well only to end abruptly. What happened? Too hard to interact with the locals of another universe?

: I understand your need to destroy the world, it was a crap-hole filled with bums in burlap sacks. Not a good thing, and therefore, its destruction was needed.

Gyrobo
:Wow, what a heart warming story about a couple of freaks. Maybe Hallmark will want to make a movie about it.

: Gyrobo, you should have given your drab alternate self a pretty perky make over. The grey was just so boring. A bit of sage green with accents of lilac would have made him into a pretty pretty boy, which would have been a good thing.

Right, now, with that god awful harpy back in her universe, I can get back to work. The winner of immunity this week is

….

…….

………

Mr. Yellow Armor himself, AOC. You all know the drill, send them to Jon ‘slugboy’ IG by Sunday.

Hmm, I wonder what happened to Randy?

Cheers!
Simon

Mirror-Me

2006-07-14T00:14:00.000-05:00

A haze of flame and asphyxiating smog settled over the once-proud laboratory. It was an agonizingly slow wait I had long endured, these past two days. But finally, my mirror-universe counterpart was ready for entry into this, the universe, of all places. Reaching down for my state-of-the-art camera shoe, I was all but knocked off my feet by an electro-static boom.

“You are not an authorized user.”

When the smoke and brimstone dissipated, I saw it. Standing there, my mirror universe stunt double... holding steady, eyes forward. What sort of twisted reverse thoughts were coursing through its backwards brain?

“You are not an authorized user.”

“My mission is to confront you. Will you respond in kind... or do I have to get medieval on your CPU?!”

“You are not an authorized user.” It seemed to completely lack all the intelligence and depth of character that makes me so popular among teenagers and the elderly.

“This is getting me nowhere... slowly.” Then, like so many bolts of lightning to a water tower, a thought raged through my myopic brain.

“Hey,” I nudged Mirror-me. Quickly my eyes darted back and forth in their sockets, ensuring privacy. “I know it’s against the rules, but do you want to... take over the world?! I’ve got a whole bunch of surplus weapons-grade novelty-sized pocket watches that I bought from the Department of Education! We can modify them for chaos!”

For a brief moment I could have sworn I saw a glimmer of understanding in the cold, soulless abyss of his opticals. For the first time, he shifted the position of his cubic head and focused in on me! “You are not an authorized user.”

Grumbling about the countless delays that have set back the release date of Microsoft Vista, I rummaged through my trusty utility belt until I felt the familiar indentation of a creamy nuget bar.

“Hey bizzaro! Catch!” I tossed him half... no, to be fair, it was only about a fifth. A fifth at best; I’m just a greedy candy-bot. I tossed him a fifth of my delicious chocolate nuget bar, hoping that the lad would finally open up to me. I may not be his real father, but I work ten thousand jobs to keep him swimming in motor oil!

Hand outstretched, my identical twin snagged the nuget with snake-like precision. “That’s my boy!” I exclaimed, still optimistic. But then I saw something that almost made me pop an olie.

“You’re left-handed?!”

“You are not an authorized user.”

“What kind of sick, demented, depraved... uh, backwards... and, um... bad in general. That’s the kind of universe you come from! A very bad one, one that will probably get destroyed by its own stupidity!”

I fully expected to berate the mindless automaton for the remainder of its time here, but something about its glazed, nonthinking face made me stop.

“Mirror-me,” I asked in all honesty, “you wanna play catch or something? Your mom doesn’t come to get you for another couple of hours. Let’s go do something together!”

“You are not an authorized user.”

“Is that what she’s been telling you?! Filling your head with lies, boy?!”

***
It’s hard to say which part of that day was the best. Overall, it was the happiest day of my life. After taking Mirror-me to the movies, the two of us went down to Jerry Creek’s, and had some of the best catfish this side of the bayou. And the Weekend section of the Sunday paper had been right on the mark when they said the traveling carnival was a “must see.”

Even when we got rained out, Mirror-me was stoic, blandly repeating “You are not an authorized user” until every last patron at Jerry’s was doubled over with laughter.

“That’s my counterpart! I own him!” I proudly told anyone within earshot.

But as with inhaling dangerous amounts of helium, the fun had to end sometime. I’ll be the first to admit it, I’m going to miss that counterpart of mine. Sending him back to his own universe was the saddest thing I ever had to do. But I hope that one day, he’ll understand why I did it.

Even now, years later, I can still picture his expressionless face as he lumbered into the dimensional gate. Seconds before the tachyons swallowed him up, he turned to me. With a sudden burst of realization, he uttered the words I’d been longing his entire life to hear: “Authorization granted.”

Too late... all far too late...

So I ended up taking over the world with surplus weapons-grade novelty-sized pocket watches.

The other me is what...

2006-07-13T21:32:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

Jon once again lead us to the "dreaded one way mirror room". I hate that place. Nothing good ever comes from there.

We find out it is a dimensional portal to a mirror universe. Two things can't happen;

1. We can not team up with our counter part to take over "our" own universe.

2. Our counter part can not come to our side.

Hhmm...

Well Jon didn't say we couldn't team up with our other and take over their universe...Excellent...
Ok, I ready to go.

After going through I yak.

This was one of the worst trips I ever had. (The worst is when I flew Tower Air to the Local 432's convention in L.A.)

I scan my surroundings...

I figure if I am a supervillain henchman in this reality. The other me is a world famous superhero.Right...

"Guy Abrams..." I hear.

"I am your counter, Dude Benji.Follow me." He tells me.

"No way. you're a bum, and old. "

"I am a servant of the Lord." He says with a bow."And while I have had a hard life and it has aged me. I feel truly blessed."

"So you are a priests..." I inquire.

"No my brother, I am a monk."

"Great at least you must live well." I ask

"No. material possessions are sinful. This is where I live."

"OMG. It's a $#!T hole." I yell.

"Maybe but my work fills my heart."

"Ok. what is that?" I question.

"I care for the orphans."

"Why..."

"Because I was inspired by the Patron Saint Vegeta." he praises.

I destroy the planet. Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

AOC: Let's Do The Space/Time Warp Again

2006-07-13T19:18:00.000-05:00

A mirror universe. What an interesting conundrum this will pose.
What will a opposite version of me be like?

I have always thought of we clones as neutral; following order, never thinking of the cause or consequences of our action. All those decisions are made by other and we just march to the beat we are given.

Will I find I am good or will I stare into the abyss and find that it is I who am evil?

Or will I find myself in a parallel universe, like but unlike mine?

It is enough to boggle the mind of one small creature in so larger a sea of humanity.

On the plus side I know I am going with the yellow armor, because it brings out my eyes the best.

I step through Jon’s portal. A sensation of being taken apart, scrambles and re-atomized hits me like a pleasant wave on the shore of the Alderaan sea.

*POP!!!*

I stumble into an enormous office with a view of Coruscant and am immediately greeted by a clone.

“Oh my, you have arrived early. I am sorry, we were hoping to have more of a delegation here.”

I stare at this odd version of me. What the heck kind of shirt is that. The pale blue is tacky.

“Where are my manners, I haven’t even introduced myself. I am KT 622.” He extends his hand

I go to shake it and he shouts “WAIT, I almost forgot about the anti-matter vs. matter thing!”

I jerk my hand back and he begins to laugh “Oh, I love that joke.” He grabs my hand and shake it vigorously.

I am a little confused and thinking I need to drop this guy like a spice habit.

“Well, I am sure you have a lot of question. We can have a nice chat over tea. You can take your helmet off, if you want. It is a rather warm day”

His office is enormous, stretching 25 by 20 meter, with a view that many Senator in my would have literally killed for. I can tell by the view we are in the financial district.

“Are you the Chancellor or something.” I ask

He laughs “oh no, I am just a clog in the wheels of business. Just one of the many accountants that make up this company.” He replies

An Accountant ??? The mirror universe me is a freaking accountant. This is just wrong.

“But you are one of the top executives, right?” I inquire

“No, No, my friend. Just a regular clone accountant. I barley make 250,000 credits a year”

I almost piss myself. $250,000 credits a year. I get 40 credits a month for R&R!!!

I decide to ask some question before I start getting mad about my universe.

“So why are you a cloned accountant? What the deal with that?” I ask sharply

He looks quizzically at me “You mean you are not an accountant?”

“No, I am a solider. I kill things. I think I asked you a question first!” I glare at him.

“All clones on Coruscant are copies of Fango Jett …”

I make a protest noise, KT 622 shrugged and say “it a parallel universe, you have to expect funny names ok.”

I nod yes

“As I was saying, we are all copies of Fango Jett, the greatest accounting brain in the Republic. He was an accounting investigator. He broke all the accounting fraud in his day. But then the Jedi began taking over business, using new accounting methods. They formed a company to take over all the other companies in the universe. Forceron. They called them selves the crooked F.”

“So your saying the Jedi were bad?” I skeptically ask.

“Well they were bad for the good name of business. Anyway, Chancellor Palatine knew sooner or later the Jedi would kill Fango to stop him from exposing their accounting scam. He then commissioned the GAR …”

“Grand Army of the Republic?” I inquired

“Nooo, The Good Accountants of the Republic … oh stop groaning and listen to the rest of my exposition. If you keep interrupting this post will never end”

I quite down.

“Too make a long story short, *looks at the reader* opps too late … The GAR was able to take down the Jedi. All of them went to jail: Yoda Lay, Mace Skilling, Obi-Wan Fastow. You name them, we nailed them.”

“I supposed the Chancellor stayed on, clinging to the power given to him during this so called accounting crisis?” I mocked

‘Of course not, he retired to Naboo, became a florist. We all wanted him to stay in longer, but he would hear none of it. It worked out well for the Republic. Chancellor Binks has proven to be the most articulate and positive force for finical ….”

“BINKS …. BINKS as in the Gungan Jar Jar Binks?” I practically shout and be begin to stand up. This is too much, to fracking much.

KT 622 looks aghast by my reaction, “well yes, that is Chancellor Binks. Why does that disturb you so? Is he evil in your universe?”

I am not listening any more. I am fixated by the picture on KT 622 desk.

“And what the F&#* is the Lt. Cmdr doing in a picture on your desk?” I roar

KT 622 blinks at me once or twice, “Who? You mean Jardina. She is no Lt. Cmdr, unless you count her as the commander of my heart.” He smile weakly.

“Your …. Your … your … “I stammered “WIFE!!!”

“Yes, My wife. I met her when she was teaching my accounting classes. She is a great women, wonderful mother and a wiz with the computer. Our kids ….”

That’s when I lost it. I leaped over the desk and began to beat KT 622 senseless. He must have had time to hit the security alert.

It took 7 member of building security to pull me off him. As I was dragged to the portal, I kept screaming “No, You can’t make me go back. I am going to take that mealy mouth accountant's place. That bastard has the life I should have HAD!!!!”

They heaved me through the portal and I land at Jon’s feet.

“So how was the evil you?” Jon asked jauntily

“Fracking great!” I bark as I punch him in the face.

Time warp

2006-07-12T19:50:00.000-05:00

Xavier narrates:

I roll into Maggie's room. I glance furtively over my shoulder, checking to see if something is following me.

"Anything wrong?" Maggie asks.

"Huh? Oh, um, no . . no. I was just . .um . ."

"It doesn't take a telepath to see that you're nervous about something." Maggie seems not herself

My brow furrows. "It was nothing, really. That last challenge, the trip to the Mirror Universe, left me a little rattled."

"Really? What happened?" She inquires

"It's just that the evil Xavier was . . well . . really, really evil. I'm just kind of amazed that I could have become that person."

Maggie's eyes drop down. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

"I think I'm going to go take a shower. Why don't you come by in a bit?" I say

_______

[Xavier leaves but decides to go get Cognac in the main hang-out room]

Maggie narrates:

I have been troubled all night, Charles tried to comfort me... I find letter in his room... They are from this woman... Lusty Tart?
I confronted her, I opened my lap-top

10:20 PM
"So are you the one sending Charles all the love letters?" I asked
10:51 PM
L>Tart said... "Charles??? Who the hell is Charles? love letters??? WTF are those?"

11:51 PM
L>Tart said..."Magdalena; Ho,(opps!darn dyslexia) I mean; Oh, you mean the professor? 'Charles' sounds pretentious & snobbish. & not at all intimate. I would never call anyone 'Charles'. Love letters? 'Love' has nothing to do with it. Ask 'Charles'."

I typed hard on the keys... "I plan to!"

L>T said... " I think 'Charles is playing two ends against the middle."

I slammed the laptop lid down…

Charles was enjoying a nice glass of Cognac... The reading room was full of the remaining contestants...

"Charles Francis Xavier!" I scream as I enter the room..

AOC and Henchman looked at each other, "Francis?"

I didn't give him time to scan me Telepathically I was angry and Charles would give me an explanation.... "WHO do you think I am? You think I am like Pantha or that hussy machine of your nemesis? Is that what this is? Magneto's little bot-bimbo can change into different women...."

Henchmen, "Or men... would explain the pink helmet..." AOC snickers

I didn't let AOC and Henchman's comments stop me, "even allows Magneto to have more than one at the same time, so you think what... ? " I throw the letters and the transcripts of Miss Tart's conversation and mine to Charles...

AOC snickers, "My money is Maggie.." "I don't know he might use his telepathy to maker her forget " Henchman replied both speaking deliberately loud...

I glared waiting for Charles to answer and then stormed off...

I sat in my room Why did I blow up like that, I wasn't mad at him... no I knew what was bothering me... It was that last challenges... the Nazi me...

Just then Gaia appeared...

"Gaia? Why? What is wrong?" I asked

Gaia looks at me… "I need you to come with me... I will explain on the way.."

I turned and saw Charles rolling in...

"Charles I don't have time...." I shouted...

Before he could speak Gaia waved her hand, I could see the clock behind Charles.... 8:59:59 am

[Charles stares for a moment as the two disappears.... Everything slows for a sec and then returns to normal. As Charles turns a bubble returns and Maggie appears...]

I am looking at the clock... 9:00:00 am...

"How is that possible I have been gone...." I said confused

"1 second..." Charles said...

"No it was longer. " I replied...

"So what ..." Charles went to inquire...

"Not now Charles... If you can excuse me, I need sometime to gather my thoughts of what happen the last..... " I turned away and Charles nodded and rolled away...

I opened the lid of my laptop... The church would want me to document what happened... How do I explain what happened to me and Gaia, especially when we here I was gone only a second...

I will try to fill in what happened in that 1 second...

Soon I will begin my logs as soon as I figure out where to begin.....

Talking To Myself

2006-07-12T19:38:00.000-05:00

With some reluctance, I approached the portal; what version of myself was I going to find there? Surely not someone who drank Earl Grey and read Shakespeare?

The swirl of the portal landed me on the other side, making me feel as I do when I've been time travelling.

Perhaps I should have bought an aspirin?

Everywhere was dark; there were glowing alcoves all around; this looked VERY familiar.

"Prepare to be assimilated, Jean-Luc." said a voice.

It was Locutus; the being I had become when the Borg assimilated me.

"I am Locutus of Borg and you will be assimilated" he said.

"I am from a mirror universe" I told him, "I was like you, once, but I managed to escape. I intend to either destroy you or stop you so that you can be restored."

"Your are too late, Captain Picard." Locutus informed me, "As a result of my assimilation, the Earth has been taken over by the Borg; they have also conqured the Klingons, the Romulans and the.."

"Enough!" I told him, "Then you must be destroyed."

"Do you think you can risk it, Captain, "Perhaps when you, from another universe destroy yourself from this universe, it will eliminate both of them?"

I thought for a moment; the old antimatter warning to make me hesitate.

"I shall assimilate you, and send you back to help the Borg where they are." Locutus told me.

He sprang forward, with nanoprobes at the ready for me; I dodged him; with the cybernetic implants, he was slower than I was. I rushed round and grabbed him from behind.

"Resistance is Futile!" Locutus carried on, "We are Borg!"

"No you are not, Jean-Luc." I told him, and used my phaser on him. He was dazed.

In that short time, I get the Starfleet Screwdriver that I carry for all eventualities and started undoing the implants. Some started to fall off, but the effect was clear. He would not survive.

"We...are...Borg" Locutus started to say, "I...am Jean-Luc Picard.....thank you."

He slumped down, lifeless.

I turned back to the portal, pleased that there was one less Borg around, yet still feeling saddened.

Confronting the Evil Xavier

2006-07-11T19:02:00.000-05:00

The swirling, misty red portal opened before me. Wheeling through it, my stomach did the most unpleasant flip-flop. It took a moment for my vision to adjust to the new surroundings. I soon realized that I was in my very own office at my school. And there was my Mirror Universe evil twin, sitting behind the desk. Should I launch a pre-emptive psionic strike against him, I wondered. I was just about to fry all his brain cells when he spoke.

“Oh my, this is a surprise,” he said in a fake syrupy voice as he looked over at me. “Is that Mystique playing some game?” I am not at all surprised to hear that he’s working with the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Like likes like.

He stood up and smiled at me. He was wearing some weird looking costume. For some reason, he hadn’t tried to probe me telepathically yet. And I could also feel that he didn’t have an psychic defenses in place. Strange.

“No, I am not Mystique. I am you, Charles. You from a parallel world. I have come here to confront you. Hopefully to make you give up your evil ways.”

“Evil ways? What are you talking about? Here at the Institute we spread peace and happiness.”

“Oh sure,” I snorted. “The old ‘Doctor Doom just wants to bring peace and stability to the world’ logic. Sorry Charlie, that’s not going to work with me. I have no doubt that that you use your powers to impose your will on others. You want to re-make this world in your image, right?”

“Not at all,” he replied. “I’m shocked you could even suggest such a thing. Here at the Institute for Peace and Brotherhood we spread a message of love and harmony with all of creation.”

“Ha! Do you think me naïve? Of course you use your mutant goons to impose your will on others, crushing any that oppose you and your twisted ideals.”

“I would never do such a thing,” he assured me. “I abhor all violence and would never lift a hand against my fellow creatures. We are all pacifists here.”

“Oh please! If Magneto had a gun to the President’s head you wouldn't have Wolverine gut him with his claws?”

My evil-self’s face went pale. “How could you think such a thing? Eric would never hold a gun to anyone’s head. The mere idea is just ludicrous. He’s a gentle soul. And so is Logan. You sir, are a barbarian.”

I stared in disbelief at the wimpy simp cowering in disgust before me. This wasn’t some kind of mirror universe. This was a spineless coward’s universe.

“You are pathetic,” I told him. “If you want to save people and make the world a better place, then sometimes you have to fight. Often there is no choice but to send out the troops and break some heads. If you let those who think differently than you do have their way, they will ruin this world. You can’t be afraid to reach into someone’s mind and take control of them. It’s for their own good!”

I saw my wimpy self tremebling in horror. “Y-you’re a m-monster,” he finally whispered. “Take control of someone’s mind? How could you even think of such a thing? You are evil through and through!”

I sat there staring at him in contempt. How pathetic. How could I ever be so sniveling and gutless? Maybe this was some kind of joke. Maybe that doorway wasn’t taking us to a mirror universe at all. Maybe Jon had hidden cameras on us, laughing away while we got ‘punked,’ as the kids say. Ha! I’ll get my revenge on him. Let’s see how Jon likes spending the week thinking he’s a slug.

Or maybe this was some kind of devious trap. Maybe this Xavier really was evil and was trying to lull me into dropping my defenses so that he and his evil cronies could – no. This goody goody worm was no threat to anyone.

Wait a minute. I know Jon was telling the truth because I was scanning his mind as he gave us this challenge. That means this really is my Mirror Universe counterpart. But he’s such a goody goody. And how dare he impune my methods? So what if I maintain a highly trained mutant strike force? So what if I routinely alter people’s thoughts and memories to further my own ends? All I want to do is bring peace and stability to the world.

Oh crap.

He’s the good Xavier and I’m the evil Xavier.

This is ridiculous. It can't be . . . and yet . . . okay, fine. I can’t let anyone back home find out about this. I’ll have to kill – no, no – I'll just reach into his defenseless mind and put him into a coma. Yes, that’s the humane thing to do.

Now then, what cover story shall I tell the others?

What did Jon expect? the Anti Christ?

2006-07-11T18:44:00.000-05:00

" Don't worry about it, everything will be just fine. Simon and Randy will again be your judges for this round. Just remember the two guidelines. One, they cannot get out. And two, you are not allowed to team up with your mirror counterpart to take over our universe. Got it? That's the challenge, what will you do when you engage your counterpart? Will you fight? Will you play chess? Will you thumbwrestle, watch TV, argue, or dance?" Jon stood smugly as he looked at us…

The cameras zoomed in as I went to Jon…

"Jon I hate to rain on your parade but I am a descendent of…" I began to say

"You are the Magdalena… yeah yeah I know…" Jon stated as if he knew what was coming

"Jon then you know, I can not be evil… " I tried to tell Jon

Somewhere in front of a TV Kodiak watches as he drinks a beer and replies, "I wouldn't be so sure darlin'"
In the background the TV still plays as the conversation continues….

Jon's voice is mixed with the snow and fuzz from the TV, "Maggie, that is the challenge. I don't know what you will find over there. There are several dimensions in the Mirror Universe, just like this universe, and anything that is possible is possible and can be found in each dimension."

Maggie continues to argue, "This is what I am saying Jon, it's not possible. What is my evil version going to do, lead an occult?"

Kodiak scratches, "or the Catholic Church…. Dump dump dump dump…"

Camera pans around … "Maggie that is the challenge…." Jon walks off…

I mumbled, "A boring Challenge, What am I going to find…. Nothing… that is what…. An Evil Magdalena? Never! An evil Church? Not likely!"

I grab the spear of destiny and a few other weapons….

I step into the portal…

As the image returns and my surroundings become clearer, I look around….

I began walking down the street; I wasn't on Hacknor but New York, my old stomping grounds. Everything looks just like the place I came from. Nothing out of the ordinary…

I decided just to relax and enjoy this challenge when I noticed the banners, "NO no no no…." I began to gasp…. "Not this nightmare, no…."

I wasn't sure what I would find but I had never thought I would find this…. I check the date…
July 11, 2006… I saw the TV in the stores….

No that is…. It can't be though he was born on… April 20, 1889… that would make him…

Klaus Hans Hitler…. A son?

Welt Kaiser…. Emperor of the World… THE WORLD!!!!
Another person appeared,

Johann Schmidt… He I remembered… Red Skull….

Then a familiar face…. No it couldn't be…. NO!!!

It was it was me….

"Don't panic!" I thought to myself… "Mirrorverse so maybe Hitler is a good guy, like Ghandi…. Yes the Swastika was originally not a symbol hatred…"

I had to investigate….. I looked up and realized an important symbol missing from New York…. The Statue of Liberty….. it wasn't there, instead was ….

A concentration camp….

I traveled to what should have been DC and to what should have been the White House…

It was weird not seeing the pentagon or some of the icons so associated with the United States…. In fact that part of North America wasn't called the United States….

I quickly discovered as I walked around the palace my worse nightmare…. World War 2 Hitler won, he didn’t commit suicide but conceived a son with his mistress and conquered the world. The other me, when not standing with the red skull was standing next to him, the son of Hitler….

Even worse this mirror image was Hitler's lover. I discovered the Church backed him and his policy….

I couldn't… wouldn't let this continue….

I tried to use my power to show some of the soldiers the errors of their ways, when I met up with another familiar face… SHI was also defending this evil….

I was force to fight and kill SHI…. She was as strong in this Mirrorverse as in my universe…

I followed my other self and I found another concentration camp… I followed her in…. It was children… I watched with horror and sorrow as my alter ego watched children being lined up in front of this brick building… Behind the building stood a brick wall several miles high….

It towered in gloom…… She walked looking over each child….

Evil Magdalena snarled as she passed the children, "Worthless, pathetic, nobodies….." She snatched each child by the hair on the heads and tossed them to the ground… I started to draw my sword….

Evil Magdalena waved a Nazi Officer, "All of them, send them all in… Do what you will… but in the end you will rid us of their imperfection!"

She marched off. I wanted to follow and kill her but those children….

I took on the guards with great force….. I walked through the building, rooms of labs for experimenting and went to the back into the yard, which the wall isolated….

Hanging from 2 poles was the remains of two children, half-decayed and being pecked at by crows…. I found bunkers like that found during WW2….

One room had claw marks on the walls, made from children's fingernails and stained with blood…. It was some sort of chamber…. I decided I had seen enough….

I would free these children… I used my Spear to blind the soldiers and began cutting through the bodies….

I noticed the so-called World Emperor and decided it was time for him to come to an end… I attacked …. His men came at me while others escorted the Kaiser away…

I heard an alarm and saw the portal… My time was up…. I went to run for the portal but heard a voice …. I recognized her voice…. It was me that was speaking…

My evil twin laughed as she came in to sight…. "So this portal explains a lot….."

I drew my weapon, "You won't be able to pass, even if you could I wouldn't let you!"

The Evil Magdalena matched my moves, "If I can not pass neither shall you…."

I began to fight but how does one fight one self…

We were equally matched, I realized though she didn’t have the spear…. I reached to use it….

Evil Magdalena landed a kick in my chest and leapt in the air grabbing the spear…. She could use it just as I could….

I saw it glow, I began to brace for a whole lot of hurt when suddenly it was pulled into the portal and disappeared…. The aura was that of a guardian angel…

"Looks like someone has fallen from graces…" I said as swing my sword catching her sword

Evil Magdalena twisted and kicked my other sword as she came at me with another kick, "Your opinion" She spat….

We twisted around more as we fought and counter moved…. I saw the portal a blast was coming from some armored tanks at the portal…. My evil other threw a halberd at a Sergeant, "Not at the Portal you Idiot!"

I tried to use her distraction to my advantage as I lunged for her but she grabbed me…. "Now my sister I break your neck and take your place…"

As she gloated I reached for my sword

I was able to thrust it into her and jump through the portal just as it closed ….

I sat still and drew my sword at the figure that walked up behind me. Jon gulped hard as the sword's tip touched his Adam's apple, "Easy Maggie, it's over."

I sighed as I stood, "No Jon, not as long as that kind of evil exists in tihs or any universe. It's not over, it can't be."

I sheathed my sword and walked away….
I sat mediating in my room when I felt Charles came in, "Maggie you okay?"

"No, that was me… Aiding in that … that …. " I couldn’t even speak of such horrid evil…
"It wasn't you Maggie." Charles began to say and I turned away not able to face him

"No Charles, It was me, something I thought I couldn't possibly be capable of…" I hung my head

"We all are capable of extreme good and extreme bad, but we can choose to be good…" He set his hand on my shoulder

"Well at least the other me is dead…" I said as I returned to my mediation

Meanwhile in the Mirror Universe…

Evil Me? Easy as 1, 2, 3

2006-07-10T23:17:00.000-05:00

I entered the room and all the doors and locks and everything else closed behind me and I heard clicks, slams, locks, chains, hammering, and everything else you can think of to bar up a room.

Then the portal activated. It began glowing brightly, and swirling. Very portal-esque. I took a deep breath, and entered through the portal. I looked around, it was an exact copy of the room I was just in except in reverse.

Boy do I feel like Alice, but man am I scared of this looking glass.

I opened the door, and walked through. It was perfectly the same just opposite… I had to go and find myself. It sounds so familiar to the more recent events in my life. I went to my temporary room, and my shadow self wasn’t there.

Wait… If this was the opposite me, than there was only one place for her to be…

Outside by the pool.

I rushed outside, and I drew my light sabers. She was going to die, I was going to kill her and go home. Simple in out. If I was strong in sabers, she was weak in them, and it was going to be a one sided fight.

“Hello Sunshine!” A mirror of myself screamed as she ran up to me wearing a bright pink bikini, “Look at you! Oh my… You’re like so cute… You like know if you wear some pink… It’ll so look like me and we’ll be like twins.” She exclaimed in a sweet sing-song voice that made me want to vomit.

Urge to kill rising.

“Look, hello, I know we like so know each other in and out, but I just want to get to know you so much more…”

Urge to kill rising.

“My name is Aifire Copa, but you knew that didn’t you?” She pinched my cheek, “You’re such a clever and intelligent girl.”

Urge to kill rising.

“Just don’t stand there sweetie… Introduce yourself.”

Urge to kill rising. “Erifia Apoc. I’m going to kill you.”

“Oh seriously hun, look, you look all tough, but I think you are just crying out for friends… My best friend Alyaa Aruces and I are going to visit my wonderful parents. Its what I do between dance shows… I’m very famous, everyone loves me and I love everyone.”

“WHAT?! MY WORST MOST HATED ENEMY IS YOUR BEST FRIEND!”

“Sweetie… calm down… it’ll be okay…”

“I hate you! I hate the world! I hate the universe! Most of all I hate Aayla Secura!”

“I love you! I love the world! I love the Universe! And I don’t know Aayla Secura, but I love her too.”

“That’s it!” I swung my fist in at her… She gracefully spun and avoided the blow.

“That wasn’t very nice sunshine…”

She did a spin, and kicked me in the face sending my plummeting into the pool.

“What the…”

“Babe… Its okay, calm down…”

Urge to kill rising.

“Dear,” she said, “I learned to fight for my first boyfriend… Now I’m happily married and have two kids…”

Oh Force, drown me… Drown me right now.

I pulled myself up from the pool and I shoved her down onto her sunbathing chair laying thing.

“Hun calm –“

“No! You calm down, don’t get all bright and sunshiney on me… Let me tell you about my life in full detail… Then maybe you’ll see it from my point of view… When I was born, my mother died… My father hated me so much he had them take me to the jedi temple… Once there Aayla Secura beat me up and bullied me for seventeen years. She made me kill my master… The republic who I work for sends me on suicide missions because they want me dead. Everyday I wake up knowing I could die today… That every breath I take could be my last breath… So if I went and killed your husband, children, and mother… Then maybe, just maybe, you’d see things my way…”

She reached over and grabbed suntan lotion, “Dear… Could you rub this on my back…”

I grabbed her by her head, and held her tight. I closed my eyes, and opened her mind to mine. I breached a gateway and allowed my memories to copy themselves onto hers. It took some amount of time, and finally she opened her eyes and said, “Why am I wearing pink? And where is that accursed Aayla Secura, she needs to die,” she said sounding very much like me.

I didn’t smile but I did however rejoice, “Excellent, that makes things all the more easier…”

“Yes. But life isn’t easy.”

“That’s so true, you’re a smart woman.”

I went to the machine and she joined me, “It would be fun to help you in these missions.”

“I know, but, you can’t get trough… But I will come and get you… I promise…”

“I believe you.”

I opened the door, and exited through the portal I looked into the camera, “Try again Jon, I don’t break that easily.”

If you’ll excuse me, I need to go scan all this stuff to create a portal of my own,
If you'll excuse me, I need to go home and tell the kids the truth about the world,

Hugs-Hugs and-and Kisses-Kisses
Erifia Apoc and Aifire Copa

Xavier calls a team meeting

2006-07-10T20:11:00.000-05:00

I looked over our assembled team. "Thank you for coming," I told them. "Now is the time for us to take off the gloves and step up to the plate.

Erifia looked at me blankly. "What are you talking about? We aren’t wearing gloves."

"Actually, I’m wearing gloves," Tak said. "But I don’t really see how taking them off is going to help."

Gyrobo's head spun around in a circle. "Perhaps we could put gloves on, then remove them. The bio-kinetic energy generated by-"

"It was a metaphor!" I shouted a little too loudly. Regaining my composure, I continued. "My point is, this game is almost tied up and that isn’t right. We had a nice little winning streak there but now we’ve lost a man. There's a new challenge that's been-"

"Actually," interruprted Gyrobo, "it was a woman that got voted off."

"You’re giving her too much credit," Erifia snorted.

Tak chuckled. "I don’t know. That little belly shirt she wore didn’t really leave much room for doubt. Man, she was a totally hottie. I think I'm going to –"

"Please!" I shouted again, even more exasperated. "Can we just focus on the immediate problem here?"

"What’s the problem?" Tak asked. "We’re still here."

Gyrobo answered. "I think he’s referring to our lack of gloves.

"No!" I thundered. "The problem is that Team Vaniquer is catching up. We have to beat them. A new challenge has been issued and we need to coordinate a strategy, develop a plan of action, and ensure that we don’t suffer another loss next week.

"Too bad we don’t a Danger Room here to train in," Tak said. "I say we just keep winging it. We’re winning right? So we must be doing something right."

"Yeah," Erifia agreed. "That Aayala was baggage anyway. We’re lucky to be rid of her. It’s going to be smooth sailing without that hag around."

Gyrobo started humming. "In the immortal words of Madison Avenue, 'Sorry Charlie'.”

Challenge #7

2006-07-10T19:15:00.000-05:00

The contestants are led to a room that has a large one-way mirror for a wall.

Arifia: So what is this?

AOC: The challenge must be in there.

Captain Picard: It's not more sidekicks is it? That would be too evil.

Lights go on in the room and a device can be seen in the corner. A giant disk on the machinery starts spinning and glowing. Clearly it is a portal to another universe.

Magdelena: Is this to the...?

Jon: That's right, we have the dimensional portal to the Mirror Universe. Your challenge is to go confront your evil-- or good counterpart.

Professor Xavier: Isn't this rather dangerous? What is to prevent them from trying to take over our universe?

Jon: They won't, we've had all of the best scientists and technomages in the galaxy working on this thing. Anyone who comes through will be "tethered" to the device until he or she is sent back. In addition, the room itself is electro-magically sealed. There's no chance of anyone from that universe escaping into ours.

Henchman: That still sounds dangerous to me.

Jon: Don't worry about it, everything will be just fine. Simon and Randy will again be your judges for this round. Just remember the two guidelines. One, they cannot get out. And two, you are not allowed to team up with your mirror counterpart to take over our universe. Got it?

Gyrobo: Why's everyone looking at me?

Last Gladiator Standing was brought to you in part today by Cat Flavored Pop Tarts.

Mmm mmm, that's good cat!

The End of Challenge #6

2006-07-10T07:17:00.000-05:00

Alright kiddies, listen up. Who's not making it to the next round?

Who's tour left much to be desired?

Aayala Secura, you are not the Last Gladiator Standing. Goodbye.

Stay tuned for Challenge #7.

Last Gladiator Standing was brought to you in part today by Intergalactic Gladiating for Dummies. Intergalactic Gladiating for Dummies by Sinewco Publishing House, pick up a copy today!

Tak Gets a Phone Call

2006-07-09T21:45:00.000-05:00

After my disastrous night out on the town with The Henchman, I am nursing a Death Star sized hangover.

Hudson pops his head into my room.

“Hey clone boy, you got a phone call on the main line. It better not be a collect long distance call.” he laughs at this own joke and jerks his thumb towards the front office.

A minute later I am on the phone. I am still not used to these strange Hacknor communication devises.

“This is TK 266, How may I help you?”

Silence, but I can hear a faint breathing.

“Hello, hello. If this is some kind of a joke I’m going to hang up” I look around the room to see if any one is watching. “if you aren’t going to talk I going to hang up.” I start to put the receiver down when I hear a women’s voice.

“Don’t! I sorry I just a little nervous about making this call. Are you the contestant they call Tak?”

I cringe. I not comfortable with people I don’t know calling me Tak.

“Yes, that is what some people call me. Who are you Miss?” The Lt. Cmdr has drilled into me not to call women ma’am, but to use the phrase Miss with women of all ages.

“Uh … well … lets just say I am some one you meet briefly and I want to get a chance to … oh dear I feel foolish, but I would like to have a drink with you and talk for a bit” She sound a little embarrassed and a bit worried.

At the mention of meeting for drinks, I begin to get nervous.

“Miss, I don’t mean to be rude, but why would you want to meet with me? I am just a bit curious.”

“Oh my … this is awkward for me Mr. Tak. First I want to have a chance to get to know you a little better because you were nice to me. Not mean like some of the other contestants.”

OK now I am down right confused.

“And,” the voice continues “My friends saw your picture in the latest copy of Playgirl …” Now I really cringe thinking of anyone seeing that picture of me in that magazine. “Then they all went on about how I had meet you and should call and … sorry I rambling. So what about meeting me? Please say yes so I don’t feel like a desperate loser.”

I try to breath normally. “ I’d like to, but we are not allowed out of the compound” I didn’t know if that was a contractual obligation, but I was reaching for straws now.

“That’s OK,” she said “ I can meet you in the bar. I’ve seen it on the Holonet and it looks very chic, so how about it.”

“Yeah, that would be great.’ I blurt out, “ How about this week after the contestants finish our challenge, While the judges are judging. That should be fun!” I pray the panic I feel isn’t coming through in my voice.

“I’ll be there Tak. You’ll recognize me easily. I’ll be the women with the great hair and drop dead gorgeous eyes.” She hangs up.

What have I agreed to? My stomach feels like two Womp Rats are fighting in it.

I hear a laugh from behind me.

“So Taks got himself a hot date!” Hudson howls.

Oh man this just keeps getting worse.

Simon: My Judgment is Final

2006-07-08T21:32:00.000-05:00

Well, as the field got smaller, I thought all the stragglers would fall out, but amazingly, one has remained. Funny how the incompetent can ride the coat tails of the talented.

I sat through all of your horrendous tours, but fortunately, I only had to endure it on video. What video you ask? Why the one taken by the camera in that big black box above the driver. You didn't think you were without any supervision, did you?

Picard: Aren't we the eager beaver. Jumped the gun a bit, but a very honest tour.

Erifia: You know, you're cute when you're sloshed. But I can't recall a single thing about your tour

Maggie: How does one say 'sub-standard' in German? A savvy tour guide would have set up the annoying woman with Hudson, which would have amused us all. But it was an opportunity you missed.

AOC: Not bad, I like the water slide the best

Xavier: That's your brother? What gene pool are you all from, exactly? The one behind the port-o-johns?

Henchman: Boring. Next!

Gyrobo: Yours is an interesting point of view

Aalya: Spectacular. What's that? You say you didn't do or say anything? Well, yes, that's the point.

So, while I waited and watched all the tours, I took in the good (Strawberry shortcake boxers), the bad (Triumph) and the immensely satisfying (well fed sharks). Then I realized while they were all good, one stood out, and not in a positive way. So here is the bad news. You all are on a team. Despite the fact that you must perform your menial tasks alone, as a team, you are responsible for the actions of all it's members. And The Winning Team, I'm really tired of your inability to get all of your people to post on time. While Aayla's unrelenting drama is wretchedly tiresome, it is required, as she is part of your team. So, this week, what might have been a hard choice is now made easy.

The winner of Immunity this week is...

Captain Picard

Well done. You all know the drill, now get to it. Send your votes to Jon by Sunday.

Cheers!
Simon

Hanging out with Tak

2006-07-08T11:15:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

Since both AOC and my subplots are now down the drain. I thought it would be cool if we hung out.

So look out laides; The Henchman and Tak out on the town.

As we hit the bars around Hacknor, AOC tells me he is on a budget. I tell him "No worries dude, I got this...In reality, Hudson has it. I am still using his credit card. Haw haw. "

When we walk in, we see these two hot chicks.

"Wow...You guys are so cool...A robot and a beekeeper.." They say while still holding each other.

"Uhmm...No, I'm the Henchman and this Tak, also known as AOC. We are the stars of Last Gladiator Standing...The hit reality show..." I reply.

"Sorry we don't hang with losers...You know that no one watches that thing right..." They claim as they walk away.

Wow, harsh I think to myself. We get our drinks and look around.

Suddenly, This girl that seems just like Tak's type comes straight at us...

"Bathroom...Where's the bathroom...?" She asks then runs off.

Ok....

Then we hear " Hey you two..."

We turn and this woman goes on a tear.

"You tell that minute man Vegeta, Next time he's with a real woman at least make her breakfeast." After that she storms off.

"Maybe this was a mistake."AOC announces.

"Yeah, Maybe..." I answer back.

We begin to walk out.

"Excuse me are you Tak...?"

"Because I'm your biggest fan."

I leave them alone. Making my way into the street.

I try to hail a hover cab. This night was a total bust.

I catch "Yo beeboy..."

"It is Henchman..." I yell. "Get it right."

"Maybe I will...In the moring." She informs me.

Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Tour Guide

2006-07-07T15:50:00.000-05:00

Xavier checks his messages

2006-07-07T06:26:00.000-05:00

As I sat in the jacuzzi sipping my frozen Margarita waiting for Maggie and Erifia to get back from shopping, my psychic voice mail dinged again, reminding me that I still had some unanswered messages. The problem with being a telepath, you see, is that it leaves very little time for personal, private thoughts. Unless you have developed a system for shutting out the rest of the world. My psychic answering machine is one such method.

I listened to the first message. It was from Gaia.

"I can't believe you have an answering machine for your mind .......... Teach me that! Oh, ah, right . . . um anyway, I . . . called(?) to let you know that the council has finally decided to allow the use of the mutant cure, and Jean just went nuts. (Again). Scott's handling it . . . fairly well. Just get back to us soon. Talk to you later. Gaia."

Damn. I hope Jean hasn't turned to Dark Phoenix. That's never good news. I better try to reach Gaia telepathically.

continued here

This Is How I Make My Money

2006-07-05T19:57:00.000-05:00

“That’s not the Great Wall of China.”

“Well, I say it is.”

So many pushy tourists! Don’t get me wrong, it’s great for the Hacknorian economy. Monsoon season really hit them hard last year. The entire pickrat industry... gone. I feel deeply for the Hacknorians, as my own family business was destroyed by a single snowflake. But that’s the price you pay when you work on the sub-atomic level.

“The Great Wall of China is on Earth. This isn’t Earth.”

“Well, if you would sit down and listen for a change, you’d know that the Great Wall of China was moved to Hacknor a couple of years ago as a tax dodge. It cost a fortune to maintain, and the Mongolians were just using the tunnel anyway.”

“That... I- I guess that makes sense.”

“You should feel very ashamed of your lack of scruples.”

The obese tourist sat down, his lard-osity causing the cushioned underside of the seat to make a whooshing sound. If he ever found out that the “Great Wall” was actually the fourth municipal dump of district two, it could discredit the Happy Smile LOL Tour Company.

“Next up, we’re going to the Hacknor Centre for Standards and Bureaucracy.”

A resounding cheer rocked the hoverbus, nearly throwing me off my game.

Nearly.

“What are we going to do at the Centre?” asked someone in the crowd.

“You’re going to learn about the many... standards... on Hacknor.”

“What kind of standards?” asked a second tourist. This was starting to get out of hand.

“For one thing, you’ll learn about the most prolific criminal in Hacknor history, Anonymous Writ. Nobody knows who Anonymous Writ is, other than that he’s an android and has never been caught or even seen.”

“Then how do you know he’s an android?”

“You should ask that at the Centre.”

***
“Wake up and give me my money back, you con artist!”

“No.”

A sharp kick to my ribs woke me up. “OW! That hurt! What?! What do you want?!”

The windows to my office were shut, but sunlight was filtering in through the blinds. Looking down at my desk, I could see the angry fists of a dissatisfied customer.

“Gimme my money back, ya deadbeat,” the burly tourist demanded in an obvious prelude to a crushing frontal assault. I was prepared for this eventuality.

“What do you mean? I gave you the grand tour! The grand tour plus plus!”

“You mean the tour where you claim a garbage dump is the great wall of China and leave me in the sun for six hours to pick through garbage with a bunch of cow-legged urbanites while you sneak off and run your little con game on another group of suckers?”

“They’re called ‘customers,’ but yes, that’s about it.”

“Your disregard for human dignity and intelligence disgusts me, but I’m impressed by your candor.”

“That counts as a positive review, and you can’t retract it now,” I told him as I pulled a clipboard out of thin air in a cartoony manner. A legal waiver was stationed on the front of the board. “Sign away the rights to your positive review now or risk legal action. And thank you for using Happy Smile LOL Tour Inc.”

“Look buddy, just give me my money back and I won’t sue you for my medical condition.”

“What ‘medical condition?’” I scoffed at him. Clearly this guy was trying to shake me down for some dessert money. Those tourists are all sugar fiends.

“I got heatstroke after your little ‘tour.’ I can’t go to work anymore, or even leave my home.”

“But you just... you’re here.”

“This isn’t me. This is an android I can control with my mind as if it were my body.”

“Then... send this thing to work for you.”

The android body in front of me seized up for a few seconds.

“I didn’t need an android puppet until after I got heatstroke. I think it’s only fair that your company pay my medical bills.”

“I... I don’t think the tour company is legally, you know, responsible for any disabling... things that happen to you as a result of the tour. I mean, you agreed to accept all adverse-”

“I didn’t agree to anything. I want my money back, and I want you to take all these bills,” he shoved a stack of bills in my face.

“Sir, I already explained to you that we won’t cover your bills. This isn’t our prerogative, and it would bring us some bad publicity.”

“I don’t care! My life was ruined by your company. I can’t go to work. I can’t leave my house. I live in a bubble, and I can’t eat solid food.”

I stood up and began walking to the door. “I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I would prefer it if I didn’t have to get security in here.”

“This isn’t over! Don’t you try to ignore me! My lawyer says I’ve got a good case against Happy Smiley LOL, and if you don’t start helping me out here, I’m gonna take this to the Supreme Court of Hacknor if I have to.”

As the door slammed behind him, I raised the blinds to get a good look out over the barren landscape of the acre-wide parking lot. Far below, I saw the tourist get into his little yellow hover car and drive away. Such rudeness! This cannot be tolerated... let’s see...

Grabbing the phone off my desk, I squinted to make out the license plate numbers on his car. “Hello, officer? I’d like to register an anonymous tip... yes, I know the kind of car Anonymous Writ is driving. Yes. Would you like me to read off the plate number?”

20,000 feet under Hacknor

2006-07-02T17:54:00.000-05:00

"Ladies and Gents,

How are doing today. I am your tour guide for this wonderful go around the planet Hacknor. My name is Henchman, I have killed over 30 people and given two sight seeing tours. My accomplice...Err, I mean assistant Brak."

Brak: "Hi everybody. I'm Brak and I am wearing clean underwear."

"Great. Thanks Brak, any newlyweds in here?"

*A couple making out raise their hands*

"Ok, good...yes Ma'am..is there a problem?"

"I trying to get off since the last bus tour...But, my Mortie has been turned into stone." The old bat tells me.

"Did he look at a Gorgon, during the Gulf of Gorgons part of the trip?" I inquire.

"Yes..." She says

"Was he told not to look at them." I ask

"Yy..yes" she answers back.

"Fine,I am leaving him right where he is as a lesson to everybody else." I declare.

"Listen folks, since we have a repeat couple. I will take you all...

Hostage."

*The whole group freaks and runs to the back of the bus. The Newlyweds don't notice what just happened and contiune to make out.*

"Hey, hey..HEY...I was joking people. Due to my LGS contract I can not take anyone hostage until the show is: A; over. and B; low on ratings."

"I will how ever taking you to the the Fire Caves of Hacknor."

"In these caves many amazing battles came to fruit."

"Like the one with the puppy and the 20 ft. build a bear?"

"No.Brak."

"Or like the one with Clammy and Hulk Hogan.." Brak pesters.

"No, Brak." I firmly reply.

"Oooo...How about the..."

"Brak. Shut up."I yell

"Sorry boss."

"Good, thank you. If you look to your left you will see a Dragon fighting a few Fire trolls."

"It is getting a little hectic over there so we will cut that part of the tour short."

"Unfortunately, people. We have travel through one of the seediest locales of Hacknor. The island of Forgotten sidekicks."

"Hey losers. Yes, you all on the tour bus. Give us money." Ignignot hollers.

"Yeah. you frickin losers." Err adds.

*I instruct the driver to go faster, until we pass them.Leaving them to choke on the exhaust.

As we hit the next light. I hear..*

"You. Yes, you captain make out. You still owe me for our little experiment." Stewie belows at the groom.

"Hey, where's my money man. I want my money. Where is it?" Stewie makes a run for the bus.

*The groom jumps to the front of the bus and steps on the gas.Speeding us through the rest of the tour. Later, I saw the "happy couple."*

Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Xavier Gets Heckled

2006-06-30T19:55:00.000-05:00

Tour guide? I’ve never been on a tour of anything in my life. What do they say?

As I hesitated outside of the mini-bus door pondering my fate, Jon came over to me.

“I’ve arranged a special surprise for you, Professor.”

“Oh, what’s that?” I asked innocently.

“I was able to get a member of your family in the tour group. That should ensure a friendlier crowd for you.”

“Um . . which family member?”

“Let’s see,” Jon glanced down at his clipboard. His finger glided down a list of names. “Cain Marko.”

Cain Marko! The Juggernaut?!

I sat there stunned as Jon clapped my shoulder and walked away, whistling a happy little diddy. Oh well, maybe my psychotic step-brother won’t have his psionic blocking helmet on. Yeah right.

I fiddled with the controls on my hover-chair and it lifted me up into the bus. Marko was in the front seat, a big cat-ready-to-pounce-on-a-mouse grin on his face. I quickly glanced up and saw that he wore a strange black stocking cap on his head. I tried to read his mind telepathically but that damn cap shielded him. Great.

Forcing a big smile on my face, I addressed the tourists. “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to lovely Hacknor, home to the Intergalactic Gladiator Association. Or is it World Gladiator Federation? Um, no, I think it’s actually the-”

“You don’t even know the name of the group?” asked Marko. “Ha! I guess they must call you an egghead ‘cause your brains are scrambled!”

Some of the tourists chuckled at that.

“Yes well, it really isn’t important,” I said. “We are here for a tour. Now let’s see what’s, oh yes, if you look over on your left, you can see the pile of damaged, destroyed and otherwise discarded hoverbikes that we used in the second challenge of Last Gladiator Standing.”

Everyone turned to look out the windows. “You lost that race, ain’t that right Chuck?” Marko asked. “And didn’t you get dunked in the ocean during the race? You must have really needed a bath, huh? What, was your girlfriend complaining?”

The chuckling got louder. “Yeah, speakin’ a your girlfriend, did Bone Grinder ever call after your big date?” Marko asked.

“Yeah, it seemed like you two were really hitting it off!” some punk in the back yelled out. The chuckling turned to out right laughter.

“No,” I said, my cheeks turning red. “He did not call. I mean, we did not go on a date! Now if we can please get back to-”

“Ain’t that just like a guy?” interrupted Marko. “You show him a good time, dinner, dancing, the whole thing, and then in the mornin’ he don’t even know you!”

The group burst out in raucous guffaws. “I bet he didn’t even send flowers! Ha ha!” Marko continued.

“People!” I yelled. “I am trying to show you the awesome Fire Lakes of Tarsus. Don’t you-”

It was no use. Everyone was too far gone with laughter. Obviously there was only one way I was going to be able to regain control. I reached into the mind of Gladys Fishmocker, the rather short lady from Pasadena sitting directly behind Marko. I made her reach forward and yank that annoying psionic dampening cap off of Marko’s head.

Before he could react, he’s not known for his quick thinking you see, I took over his mind. I had Marko stand up and step into the aisle. He faced the front of the bus, bent forward and dropped his pants. The whole bus saw his Strawberry Shortcake boxers. For a moment they were shocked into silence. Then they burst out laughing even harder then they had before.

I left Marko like that for the rest of the tour.

AOC: The Magic Mystery Bus Tour

2006-06-30T14:35:00.000-05:00

I look at the tourist. They look like an out of shape bunch, so I guess we will stay in the bus for most of the trip.

The hover bus is a strange variety.

The technology on Hacknor seems a little out of date. Or is this one of Jon’s nefarious plans like the crappy hover bikes?

I use my best “I’m in command” voice.

“Good morning to all of you and welcome to Hacknor. My name is TK 266 and I will be your tour guide today. Just a reminder, keep your hands and arms inside the bus at all times.”

One of the tourists yells out in an obnoxious voice. “What happen if we don’t. Ha Ha.”

"I’ll shoot you." I reply. “Now can you all get on the bus?”

I see a couple of the tourist looking nervous, but they all move towards the bus when I begin to glare at them.’

As we begin, I shout over the roar of the engine “Our first stop will be the Gulf of Gorgons. I would suggest if you are going to take pictures, try not to look directly at the Gorgons or you may be turned to stone. Also don’t not use flash photography or call the Gorgons names like Snakehead. It is rude and will get you killed”.

The tourists look at each other and laugh anxiously.

As we approach the Gulf, we spot gorgons playing in the water.

As some of the tourists begin to snap pictures, I spot the young gorgon who I worked with in our second challenge.

She waves, but I am then distracted by a yell from the back of the bus.

“Aughhh, Mortie. Ahhhhhhhh!”

I turn to see that “Mortie’ has been turned to stone. He is now a statue of a man taking a photo.

I set my blaster to stun and subdue the hysterical women.

“That is why you don’t look directly at the Gorgons, people.” I stated “Now on to our next destination, The Horizon Amphitheatre.”

“But what about Mr. Burkett! He has been turned to stone!” One of the party shouts.

“Think of it as a trinket Mrs. Burkett gets to take home as a reminder of the trip. And best of all it’s free.” I glare at them and they all quite down.

We arrive at the Horizon Amphitheatre and hope out of the bus.

“Well, this is disappointing, I was expecting something bigger” One man says

“I just happy that there is nothing here that will turn us to stone.” Mrs. Burkett weeps

I start my spiel. “The Horizon Amphitheatre was used to train gladiators how to fight animals, specifically bears.”

Some of the people look a little horrified.

I smile and say in my best “gash darn” voice, “But the gladiators no longer fight animals because it is considered cruel. Now the gladiators live in balance with nature.”

I get a collective “awwwwwww” from the tourist.

“Ummmm, Mr. TK 266, is that bear over there dangerous?” asked a lady in blue shorts

I look over my shoulder, “It shouldn’t be, not unless you have something like candy bars in your pockets or bags”

The entire group screams and runs for the bus.

The bear chases down one man who is screaming “I have a candy bar in my sock, Aughhhhhhhh!!!!!!”

Wow, that is not pretty.

Soon most of are back on the bus. “Our next attraction will be the Gladiator Entertainment Center on Fire Island B”

“But what about Randy, Steve and Bill. Aren’t you going to rescue them or shoot that bear?”

“Sir, the bears are protected, I can’t shoot them. And if Steve and Bill can run faster than Randy, they should be alright. Ok let go and have some fun.” I explained

As we pull up to the Gladiator Entertainment Center, what’s left of the group breaths a sigh of relief.

“This looks ok. Are we supposed to see some Gladiator entertainment now?” asked an elderly man

As we enter the building I respond “No, this is where the Gladiators come to be entertained. They all have very busy training schedule and like to have some tome to unwind …”

“With slave girls who are forced to do their every bidding? No matter how dirty or humilating.” asked a woman with a hint of exhilaration in her voice.

“Nooooo. They like to play on the new X-box. Take a look”

After a minute one of the men pipes up. “This is boring. I came to Hacknor to mingle with Gladiators; a couple of us are going down to the floor.”

“No skin of my nose’ I reply. “ Just try not to make them upset.”

Several of the tourists try to talk to the Gladiators playing X-box, to no avail. As a tourist turn around he trips on a power cord and a bank of 40 machines goes blank.

The uproar is beyond belief. The Gladiators go crazy and they mob the tourist on the floor.

The tourist who are still with me, look at me expectantly. “I think this is a good time to go to our next location. Everybody back on the bus”

We are down to 5 tourists and the statue of Mortie.

We pull up to the next stop. I begin to talk to the remaining tourist.

“This is Camp Intergalactic Gladiators. At this camp many of the Gladiators begin their training. We will be viewing and will not be in any danger. Just stay with the group and follow me.”

The tourists huddle together and hold hand as we move through the camp.

“Here we see early fight training with soft weapons.”

“Here is another example of training” I add

Several of the Gladiators are shouting “Are you not entertained!” as part of their training.

The rest of the tour goes nicely. It is getting hotter and someone asks if there is any way they can cool down.”

“How about the Waterslide?” I suggest

Everyone agrees and everyone get in line at the Ziggurat of Slipperiness. As the tourist “weeeee” and “whoo hooo” down the slide, I remember the shark issue. Opps

“Swim for the ladder as fast as you can!!!! Faster!!! Faster!!!!”

I meet Mrs. Burkett back at the bus.

“So are you the only one going to the Last Gladiators Standing set?” I ask. She just sits down next to her Mortie statue and we head back to the set.

As I get off the bus, I see our host Jon.

“TK 266, where are the rest of your tourist?” Jon asked looking at the bus worriedly

“Still on the tour I think. Man, I am beat. I am going to take a nap.” I head back to my room.

Welcome all Guests, I am tour guide Barbie Maggie

2006-06-30T12:34:00.000-05:00

As I watched the bus come down I thought, "Tour Guide, okay this I can do… When I was studying in Germany I had to give tour guides of the Cathedrals."

Squawk box screeched, "Good Mourning, Welcome to Hacknor, My name is Maggie. I am one of the contestants of the Last Gladiator Standing and I will be your Tour Guide for today. So where is everyone from?"

I got random places screamed at me

"Naboo"

"Centurie"

"Vulcan"

Squawker box squelches again, "Well we have people from everywhere… Do we have anyone from Earth here today?"

A man raises his hand

I pointed," Yes sir where on Earth you are from?"

He looked puzzle at me at first….

The man with his family stood, "Wie bitte?"

I smiled, "Auch-So, Sie kommen aus Deutchland. Sprechen Sie Englisch? "

Oh great I hope he is the only non-english speaker

He looked down at his Daughter, "ein bischen."

I smiled again, "Kien Problem. Now is there anyone else that doesn't speak Earth-.English very well?"

Whew I thought as I saw heads shake, I only have to do this tour in two Language that is good.

I spoke into the Squawker box again, "Very well Ladies and Gentlemen shall we proceed? Miene Damen und Herren , Sollte gehen Wir?"

The bus started…

I continued, "Hacknor has several Volcanoes. Hacknor hast viele Vulkane. During the second Challenge in Last Gladiator, we had to race to varies obstacles along a chain of Islands. Während die zweite Herausforderung, haben Wir einen Rennen durch viele Isel gehabt."

I stood, "If you will look to your right you will see The Coral Reef of Madness, Don't let its beauty fool you, there is many dangers here in this reef. Am seine rechte seite, Sehen Sie die 'Coral Reef of Madness'. Nicht sind Sie getäuscht. Hier ist vielen Gefahren. For example a giant squid, anyone want to get rid of a kid? Zum beispiele, einen Großen Kalmar. Möchten Sie eines kind weg gehen?"

The crowd and I laughed as many kids moved to the left side of the bus

Drums began playing in the distance…

"Now continuing on your right is the Lagoon of Danger. Jetzt, am den rechte seite, der 'Lagoon of Danger,' " I said "The Natives sounds like they hare having a party, Anyone want to loose their heads? Hören Sie, die Eingeborene ist ein Party haben. Möchten Sie dein Kopf weg gehen?"

A few more chuckles as loads of people took pictures.

I smiled, "While we pass through the sea of gorgons, Does anyone have a question? Während gehen Wir durch die 'Sea of Gorgons', Fragen Sie für mich?"

Everyone spoke amongst themselves then the German man's wife raised her hand…

"Bitte," I said

"als diese Herausforderung haben Sie gehabt, haben Sie Spaß?" She asked

I looked into the crowd, "The Question is: Did I have fun doing this Challenge. The answer is yes, more than the others. Ja, mehr dann die anderen"

I rose and pointed to our left, "Here is one of the Volcanoes, Fire Island has two Volcanoes, Any husbands want to sacrifice their wives? Hier ist die Vulkane, Fire Island ist ein Insel mit zwei Vulkane. möchten ein Ehemann seine Frau weg gehen?"

As we came up to the water slide I could hear the kids getting excited…

The squawker box snapped heads back to my direction, "Ladies and Gentlemen and young children, We now approach the Deadly water slide of Fun, Built by a famous Gladiator, it isn't the oldest but one of the wondrous treasures on the island. We will be taking a break here and welcome you to visit the Old Gladiators home. The Old Gladiators have dressed up and are looking forward to entertaining you… The Tour will resume in 30 minutes until then I will be available in front of the bus to answer any and all questions you may have about Last Gladiator Standing… Meine Damen und Herren, liebe Kinder, Jetzt, sehen Sie die Deadly Water Slide of Fun. Es entworfen bei ein berühmt Gladiator zwar ist nicht die älteste aber ist es eine besonderes Denkmal am den Insel hier. Wir machen ein kleinen Pause. Sie sind willkommen zu sucht die Alteheim. Die alte Gladiatoren zogen besondere Kleidung an. Das Tour beginnt zum noch 30 minuten bis dann bin Ich hier mit dem Bus und kann Ich antwort alles Ihren Fragen über Der 'Last Gladiator Standing…'."

I watched as everyone off loaded… Some walked up and asked me questions about myself but the two questions that shocked me was when two guests asked me what Fluke was like.

The second question was when someone asked me if it was true I dated Hudson…

"never…" I said firmly

"But in his new book… The H-Man and the women who loved him. When he lists different hearts he has broken of lovers he has had, he lists you." The woman said as she showed me the book..

"Multiply that list by 0 and you have how many woman were Hudson's lover." I said as I went to get me a drink…

Once the Bus loaded I began the tour, "Welcome back, Willkommen zuruck. Our Next stop is Fire Island 12, The Lava Pools are the oldest natural formation here. Parents you might want to grab hold of your kids because we are now passing the Haunted Observatory. Unser nächste Halten ist Fire Island 12. Der Lava Bad sind der älteste natürliche Anordnung am Hacknor. Eltern holten Ihren kinder weil gehen wir nach der Haunted Observatory."

The kids all screamed when the bus lights flickered….

"We come now to the end of the Tour, On the Main Island you will be able to meet Colonial Marines…. "

The woman who had asked me the question before swooned, "Like Private Hudson..:"

"Yes, Also you can see Stargate Lab, Memorials and LGS barracks. There are fine beaches and loads of fun… Please visit the souvenir shops and Kids don't forget to sign up as an official Jr. Intergalactic Gladiator… The next Tour will be conducted by another contestant from LSG. I am not sure what they have plan so feel free to return for another Tour….. Jetzt, Kommen wir von Tour zu die ende. Am den Insel suchen Sie der Colonial Marines . Die Frau fragst, "als Private Hudson.. Die antwort ist Ja. Sie kann der Stargate Lab, Denkmal und LGS Schlafzimmer sehen. Hacknor hast nette Strände. Bitte suchten Sie der Andenken Laden und liebe Kinder nicht vergessen Sie zu unterzeichnen Sie oben official Jr. Intergalactic Gladiator… Das nächste Tour geben bei eine andere. I weiß nicht ihren Plan ist, zwar kommen Sie noch mal."

I smiled as everyone left, "Goodbye, enjoy your stay… Auf Wiedersehen, schön Tag"

As I was leaving I saw the next group getting ready for the next Tour....

"Psst Maggie, is there food on these Tours?"

Erifia without the I-a and reversed is Fire...Tour guide

2006-06-30T11:02:00.000-05:00

I stepped onto the bus. How painful was this going to be?

“Hello, my name is Erifia Apoc… And this is Hacknor, home of the thousands of Fire Isles… Did you know my name has roots in Fire? Take off the i-a and flip it, and I’m fire.”

The tourists laughed a bit. Did they have no sense of humor that was the worst joke ever.

“I know, I know… So Driver, if you would, take us away…”

The Driver took off, and began to fly slowly around.

“If you’ll use your underneath and over top viewing screens, underneath us, you’ll see the Sea of Cheep Cheeps. During a race on Last Gladiator Standing, I was nearly eaten by them… They’d have gotten me to…but…”

They saw them…

“Hey Erifia!” I heard coming from…

“This tour is great… Its really amazing… For me to poop on!”

“Please, no hassling me…I am a Jedi.”

He sat down in the chair, and watched me impatiently.

“Next on Fire Island Omega there is something called the Lagoon of Danger, and in it is a Kraken, if you look down you may be able to see it…”

They did, and they didn’t see it… He wasn’t coming out.

“I’m sorry folks, after I kicked his…”

“As you were saying about the Kraken Erifia? He’s a real scary beast… For me to poop on!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you, maybe you should speak a bit louder next time…” I told him, “Now my friends, next is the dreaded Gulf of Gorgons… Now, you’ll see a horrible thing in there, but don’t look her in the eyes, or else she’ll kill you…”

The whole tour bus shivered and averted their eyes.

“I know, I know, she is scary, isn’t she?”

“Hey Erifia,” the little dog thing yelled, “You look like her… and I would…”

“Enough, shut up!” I yelled at him, “Sorry for losing my cool, To countinue…”

We went past the slide, “This is the slide of doom, its rather fun, actually… At the bottom I met Garth and Hub… At the Old Gladiators Home. They are tough as nails, and don’t be surprised if they start shooting.”

As we flew over them, they fired a volley of shots up at the tour bus…

“See isn’t that fun?” I asked, “I happen to enjoy it… Now, we are avoiding the haunted observatory which is over to your right, if you look closely you can see most of the ghosts, all trying to get at you, and kill you… Thus the reason why we are avoiding it… Being ghosts and all, they are pretty much a dead crowd anyway…”

Everyone laughed except the stupid dog, “Hey Erifia!” I threw a camera at him, and knocked him out.

“Now, on our right you’ll see the Intergalatic Entertainment Building…”

“Yes, I know… These Gladiators don’t have the sophistication that we Jedi do. It could be worse… Their amphitheater could be made of ancient stones…”

We flew to the next island in the space between the dog woke up.

“Ancient Bones, Did you say Ancient Bones?”

“No I said Ancient Stones, and look, here it is, made of ancient stones…”

I sighed, “I’m sure it was very nice, a thousand years ago,” I smiled.

The tour bus laughed.

“Now, next on our tour is Camp Intergalatic Gladiator… Now… Some of the images you are about to disturb you…”

“Don’t worry about him… He’ll be okay… I hope…”

“Speaking of Disturbing…” The dog said, “Your face is the most disturbing thing I could ever see, for me to poop on!”

I grabbed him by his little neck, and I opened the door and sent him pummeling 5,000 feet below…

“Now your crushed body will be something for me to…spit on!” I yelled at it.

The tour bus laughed…

“Thank you for riding Tours Erifia, I hope you enjoyed your ride,” We arrived back at the platform, and I sighed so heavily I nearly fainted.

If you’ll excuse me, I need some Klingon Blood Wine, lots of Klingon Blood Wine,

Hugs and *hiccup* Kisses,
Erifia Apoc

Challenge #6

2006-06-30T05:07:00.000-05:00

Everyone is gathered on the tarmac of the landing pad.

Jon: Gladiators, welcome to Challenge #6. You people are going to need your wits for this one. Your wits and your fast thinketedness.

Captain Picard: Why are we on the landing pad? Is this going to be another race?

Jon: Even better.

Professor X: Are we going into space?

Jon: Nope. Better.

Henchman: Are we shooting each other out of cannons?

Jon: Uh no... But your challenge has arrived. Take a look.

A small group of hoverbuses descend onto the landing pad. Each one settles to a halt.

Magdelena: Buses?

Jon: Tour buses.

AOC: And it is full of...

Jon: Tourists.

Gyrobo: We fight the tourists? I love political humor!

Jon: No no. You're just taking them on a tour of Hacknor.

The handsome host climbs into one bus and greets the driver with a slap on the shoulder. He then grabbed the microphone for the bus.

Jon: How are you doing, everybody?

Tourists: Yay!

Jon: I got a bunch of people here who are ready to take you on a tour of Hacknor. Are you ready?

Tourists: Yay!

Jon: Great. (to the contestants) As before, you're playing for immunity for yourself and team. Simon and Randy will be your judges. Any questions?

The contestants stare blankly at Jon.

Jon: OK, who's first?

Farewell

2006-06-29T20:39:00.000-05:00

Well I've come back to the Planet Hacknor To try and catch my idiot Father in-law, and get my stuff . I ran into Simon and punched him through a wall accidently oops . I hear he'll be okay at some point .

Hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Well Fare well evreyone ! I 'll always have a souviner of this expirence Henchman's arm! Ha!