Saturday, June 17, 2006

Judging You I Am

Admit I must that very excited I was to hear that a TV judge I would be. Yes, very excited. One of my favorite shows, Judge Judy is. All the time, I watch it. Fun to have her job, I always thought it would be. At the people around her, she gets to yell. And a big gavel she gets to bang on her desk.

Yes, the perfect job for me that would be:

But nothing like that this is! Find out that I would just be a guest judge on another dopey reality show I did not, until after the contract I had signed! Stupid J'onn Sinew Nu! If I ever see Sinew Nu again, know the power of the Force-wedgie he will! Hmph!

Besides, enjoying my retirement I have been. Want it to be interrupted I did not! Only half-way through the second season of Matlock on DVD, I am! Get enough of that Andy Griffith I can not. One minute, a small-town sherriff he is, the next minute an old country lawyer he is! Such a versatile actor he is!

So now, stuck here doing this foolishness, I am. Gotten along too well with one of the other judges, Simon, I have not. Like a man-eating sarlacc with Rabies he reminds me - except much nicer a rabid sarlacc is.

Yesterday, eating lunch on a park bench outside the studio, Simon and I were. A young lady we met there. This conversation Simon had with her:

"Drivel. Abosolute drivel. I must say you do not impress me one bit."

Like that, she did not. "You're mean!"

"And you have no talent. Your performance lacked rhythm, it was lackluster, and completely unoriginal. I can't imagine anyone having any use for you whatsoever."

"You know," I interrrupted, "necessary to talk to her that way it is not."

"I only speak the truth. The fact that some people are unable to face their own stupidity is of no concern to me."

"But only 5 years old she is! Just wanting to show us she was that able to say her 'ABC's', she is!"

"She has wasted my time and her time. I have no patience for that."

"Wow. A real butt-pimple you are."

"Well you, my friend, are a wrinkled midget monkey who is obviously incapable of learning proper grammar."

"At least more people skills than a monkey I have! More than I can say for you that is!"

"It's 'I have more people skills than monkey', not 'more people skills than a monkey I have'. Learn to speak properly at least. You would think after living almost 900 years... OW! HEY!"

With my cane I hit him. Getting bored with the conversation I was.

Anyway, to the judging...

Before my favorites I list, like to talk to one of the sidekicks who didn't get much attention, I would:

"Tonto, get much attention you did not. Been here the whole day, have you?"

"Yes, Kermitsabe. Tonto here since the Great Sun Warrior began his ride across sky this morning. Besides, Tonto's Blackberry remind Tonto to be here."

"'Kermitsabe' you called me. Heard that before I have not."

"In your tongue, Kermitsabe mean 'Green Munchkin That Talkim Backwards'."

"Then mean what, does 'Kemosabe'?"

"It mean 'Crazy Honky That Wearim Mask', or 'Stupid Man That Love His Horse Too Much'. It depend on which dialect of Insulting Indian Stereotype you speakim."

"Choose to be a sidekick to any of the contestants, you did not. Why did you not?"

"Tonto not want to be sidekick to any of these hosers. Tonto have standards."

"Alright, then..."

"Besides, Tonto not needim to be sidekick anymore. Tonto diversify investment portfolio. Tonto's accountant say that Tonto make much wampum from early purchase of Google stock."

"OK, thank you, Tonto. Move on let us."

Like to list my favorites I would:

Gyrobo: Like one of those visions I get after eating some of Qui-Gon's special 'spiced' brownies, your posts are - except without all the pretty colors. Funny, entertaining, and well-told, your posts have been... and weird.

Deadpool: Want to end up like those last 57 sidekicks of yours, I do not. So list you here I will. A good idea not to get you angry, it seems to be. Besides, like some of the Younglings at the Jedi Temple your list of former sidekicks sounds, especially Paper Cut Lad and Eats Marbles Kid.

Know yet the other judges' choices for immunity, I do not. But have to be unanymous it does not, Jon the International Granulator told me. So my choice would be...

AOC: The best sidekick you got, I think. Retrieve things that have slid under the dashboard of your speeder, he can. Very important in a sidekick that is. Besides, Jell-O I like.
But, too bad it is that chosen by that even smaller sidekick you were not. The one I am speaking of, you know. The one called Technical Intelligence Command Tactical Automated Kamikaze, he is (T.I.C.T.A.K. for short).

A good job all of the contestants did. Very proud you should be.

Now, get back to my Matlock I must.


Blogger Local Henchmen 432 said...

Way to go Tak.

Sunday, June 18, 2006 10:08:00 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

But... the waffles! The waffles!

Sunday, June 18, 2006 11:28:00 AM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

Perhaps I should have bought Yoda a Matlock DVD?

Sunday, June 18, 2006 12:16:00 PM  
Blogger Jaina Solo said...

Good going Tak!

Sunday, June 18, 2006 1:21:00 PM  
Blogger Magneto said...

Nicely done Tak. I predict that mini-me will be a great conversation starter with the ladies.

Sunday, June 18, 2006 2:16:00 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Oh, oh. I think that's a sign of the apocalypse. Magneto giving a compliment.

Sunday, June 18, 2006 2:18:00 PM  
Blogger Magdalena said...

yeah AOC

Sunday, June 18, 2006 2:39:00 PM  
Blogger Vegeta said...

good job Tak

Sunday, June 18, 2006 5:57:00 PM  
Blogger Deadpool said...

As said above congrats! Just make sure he knows how to go to the bathroom before. I know a thing about mini sidekicks, they're not usually potty trained.

Sunday, June 18, 2006 7:11:00 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...


Master Yoda: But the T.I.C.T.A.K. have to be stored in your pocket and they tend to rattle around. It makes siddling up to someone very heard.

Sunday, June 18, 2006 8:59:00 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

I mean "very Hard" *mutter to self "dang typos stepping on my jokes"*

Sunday, June 18, 2006 11:11:00 PM  
Blogger Dark Jedi Kriss said...

LMAO, Tak! Congrats!

Monday, June 19, 2006 12:13:00 PM  

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