Monday, May 15, 2006

The First Challenge

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, twelve brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Jon: Good morning everyone. I hope everyone is enjoying their stay here on Fire island D.

A few mumbles rise from the crowd.

Jon: OK, I know everyone's been itching to get started, so here's your first challenge. See these?

Morpheus: Robots?

Jon: That's right. These are sparring droids. Intergalactic Gladiators use them to hone their combat abilities. Your first challenge is to fight the robots. These machines are programmed to approximate their opponents strength and abilities, and they learn during the fight, so they get better as you go.

Tak: Robots? Who learn? How do we beat them?

Jon: As you can see, these machines have sensors all over their bodies. These sensors activate during the fight in a random pattern and after one is hit, the machine shuts down for five seconds. To defeat your opponent, simply hit an active sensor three times. Simple right?

Gyrobo: Hit robot?

Jon: Yeah, just fight the machine, man. I don't think you have to worry about any cannibalistic tendencies, do you? It's not like you're going to eat the robot or anything, right?

Gyrobo: (Long pause) Negative.

Jon: Great. So the first challenge is pretty cut and dried. Fight the robot. Any questions?

Padme: Yeah, like, you said there was going to be a great prize for the final victor. What is it? Is it, like, a shopping spree or a mansion or something?

Jon: Even better. The final victor will be awarded an autographed copy of the book Stories of the Unexpected. It's a short story anthology featuring many stories that are.. uh, unexpected. I know this guy, I'll call him Jon, he wrote one of these stories and he'll autograph the book and send it to the ultimate winner. Jon's a nice guy, he kind of reminds me of me, except for the excessive gas and the sizeable beer gut.

Captain Picard: A 20th Century book, what a marvelous prize!

Jon : Thank you. Any other questions?

Vegeta: Yeah, what's the criteria for winning the challenges?

Jon: I'm glad you asked that. Let me now introduce to you your judges for Last Gladiator Standing. First, fresh off his stint and Alderaan Idol, it's Admiral Simon!

Simon: That was the most horrendous, pathetic introduction I've heard in my entire career. You make me sick. Don't call me, I'll call you.

Jon: Geat! thanks. And the next judge. A being who crawled his way up from humble beginnings to head one of the greatest snack food companies in this galaxy or any other, JawaJuice.

JJ: Thank you, would anyone care for a brownie? First one's free...

Jon: And the third judge, all the way from Middle Earth, the great elvin warrior Legolas!

Jon points to the Stargate which hums to life. Suddenly, sparks fly from the device and it shuts back down again, as it whirs down, a voice can be heard yelling "My face! My beautiful elvin face!"

Jon: Uh, heh heh. Just a minor setback. I'm sure we'll get him here to Hacknor in no time. Er, Also, there will be special celebrity guest judges from time to time. Are there any other questions?

Professor X: Yes. Deadpool is now competing, but he doesn't seem to be on a team. What team is he on, anyway?

Jon: Good question. Any other questions?

Everyone raises a hand and several voices start speaking all at once.

Jon: Nope? Great! Have fun, gladiators!

Everyone grumbles and raises their hands.

Jon: Alright. What's the question?

Magdalena: What in the name of 7th Heaven is with that clipboard?

Jon: Nothing. I'm just taking notes for the show is all.

Gaia: Come on, let's see it.

Jon: No, no, it's super top secret show-related stuff. I can't show you.

Deadpool: Is it a lovey letter to your girlfriend? Smoochie smoochies!

Jon: I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer -- and no, it's not a letter to my girlfriend. Besides, I'm married.

Captain Picard: Yes, I have met his wife. She is a very fetching woman. She kind of looks like a cross between Big Barda and Maggie Gyllenhaal, an Earth actress of the 20th Century.

Jon: Thank you, Captain, but it's not a letter to my wife.

Professor X: Just show us the clipboard, Jon. Let's just get this over with.

Jon: Alright, fine. Here it is.

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Blogger Local Henchmen 432 said...

Dear sir,

Enough talk who's first.Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Monday, May 15, 2006 7:48:00 AM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Not bad, but I was hoping it was going to be a picture of Maggie Gyllenhaal. She's a cutie!

Monday, May 15, 2006 8:20:00 AM  
Blogger Shannon said...

K, so I had a few drinks with Jean-Luc, so I might be, like, missing something, but, like, just *HOW* do you determine the final victor? The contestant that fights the best? The one who defeats the droid-thingy first? I mean, like, how can I formulate a strategy without knowing the rules?

Monday, May 15, 2006 8:51:00 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

That is SO what I would have said if I saw someone standing atop a dragon.

Moreover, sans the pans, I rants with plants!

Monday, May 15, 2006 9:10:00 AM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

I agree with my friend Padme; how is the winner determined? Where is this droid??

Like the Professor, I was hoping the clipboard was going to be more 'interesting'.

Monday, May 15, 2006 11:52:00 AM  
Blogger Magdalena said...

okay lets begin then shall we :)

Monday, May 15, 2006 3:17:00 PM  
Blogger flu said...

uh... Jon... in your clipboard pic... who's flying the danger sled?

Monday, May 15, 2006 5:18:00 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I am, Fluke.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006 9:36:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006 5:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006 5:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your are Nice. And so is your site! Maybe you need some more pictures. Will return in the near future.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006 5:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your are Nice. And so is your site! Maybe you need some more pictures. Will return in the near future.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006 6:27:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice! Where you get this guestbook? I want the same script.. Awesome content. thankyou.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006 6:31:00 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Oh no, it's SPLOG!

Thursday, May 18, 2006 12:58:00 PM  

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