Thats not the Great Wall of China.***
Well, I say it is.
So many pushy tourists! Dont get me wrong, its great for the Hacknorian economy. Monsoon season really hit them hard last year. The entire pickrat industry... gone. I feel deeply for the Hacknorians, as my own family business was destroyed by a single snowflake. But thats the price you pay when you work on the sub-atomic level.
The Great Wall of China is on Earth. This isnt Earth.
Well, if you would sit down and listen for a change, youd know that the Great Wall of China was moved to Hacknor a couple of years ago as a tax dodge. It cost a fortune to maintain, and the Mongolians were just using the tunnel anyway.
That... I- I guess that makes sense.
You should feel very ashamed of your lack of scruples.
The obese tourist sat down, his lard-osity causing the cushioned underside of the seat to make a whooshing sound. If he ever found out that the Great Wall was actually the fourth municipal dump of district two, it could discredit the Happy Smile LOL Tour Company.
Next up, were going to the Hacknor Centre for Standards and Bureaucracy.
A resounding cheer rocked the hoverbus, nearly throwing me off my game.
What are we going to do at the Centre? asked someone in the crowd.
Youre going to learn about the many... standards... on Hacknor.
What kind of standards? asked a second tourist. This was starting to get out of hand.
For one thing, youll learn about the most prolific criminal in Hacknor history, Anonymous Writ. Nobody knows who Anonymous Writ is, other than that hes an android and has never been caught or even seen.
Then how do you know hes an android?
You should ask that at the Centre.
Wake up and give me my money back, you con artist!
A sharp kick to my ribs woke me up. OW! That hurt! What?! What do you want?!
The windows to my office were shut, but sunlight was filtering in through the blinds. Looking down at my desk, I could see the angry fists of a dissatisfied customer.
Gimme my money back, ya deadbeat, the burly tourist demanded in an obvious prelude to a crushing frontal assault. I was prepared for this eventuality.
What do you mean? I gave you the grand tour! The grand tour plus plus!
You mean the tour where you claim a garbage dump is the great wall of China and leave me in the sun for six hours to pick through garbage with a bunch of cow-legged urbanites while you sneak off and run your little con game on another group of suckers?
Theyre called customers, but yes, thats about it.
Your disregard for human dignity and intelligence disgusts me, but Im impressed by your candor.
That counts as a positive review, and you cant retract it now, I told him as I pulled a clipboard out of thin air in a cartoony manner. A legal waiver was stationed on the front of the board. Sign away the rights to your positive review now or risk legal action. And thank you for using Happy Smile LOL Tour Inc.
Look buddy, just give me my money back and I wont sue you for my medical condition.
What medical condition? I scoffed at him. Clearly this guy was trying to shake me down for some dessert money. Those tourists are all sugar fiends.
I got heatstroke after your little tour. I cant go to work anymore, or even leave my home.
But you just... youre here.
This isnt me. This is an android I can control with my mind as if it were my body.
Then... send this thing to work for you.
The android body in front of me seized up for a few seconds.
I didnt need an android puppet until after I got heatstroke. I think its only fair that your company pay my medical bills.
I... I dont think the tour company is legally, you know, responsible for any disabling... things that happen to you as a result of the tour. I mean, you agreed to accept all adverse-
I didnt agree to anything. I want my money back, and I want you to take all these bills, he shoved a stack of bills in my face.
Sir, I already explained to you that we wont cover your bills. This isnt our prerogative, and it would bring us some bad publicity.
I dont care! My life was ruined by your company. I cant go to work. I cant leave my house. I live in a bubble, and I cant eat solid food.
I stood up and began walking to the door. Im going to have to ask you to leave. I would prefer it if I didnt have to get security in here.
This isnt over! Dont you try to ignore me! My lawyer says Ive got a good case against Happy Smiley LOL, and if you dont start helping me out here, Im gonna take this to the Supreme Court of Hacknor if I have to.
As the door slammed behind him, I raised the blinds to get a good look out over the barren landscape of the acre-wide parking lot. Far below, I saw the tourist get into his little yellow hover car and drive away. Such rudeness! This cannot be tolerated... lets see...
Grabbing the phone off my desk, I squinted to make out the license plate numbers on his car. Hello, officer? Id like to register an anonymous tip... yes, I know the kind of car Anonymous Writ is driving. Yes. Would you like me to read off the plate number?