Official Hacknor Tour

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen; welcome to Hacknor.

I am Jean-Luc Picard, and will be your host for this tour. I will be assisted by Dr John H Watson. Pablo is your driver. Be sure to give him a tip at the end of the tour, otherwise he may close the doors as you are trying to get out.

Is everybody ready? I hope you have your cameras with you, as you'll need them. What's that sir? Can you buy film? Rest assured there are plenty of booths ready to sell you film at extortionate prices.

Pablo, start the bus if you, please; I said Pablo...START THE BUS!!

Our first stop is the Coral Reef of Madness. I must buy tickets for you all to enter the building here. Eric, the guard will let you in. Please, no tapping the water tanks, and do not put your hand in the Piranha tank. You cannot take pictures here, but Eric will sell you postcards.

Is everyone back on board the hoverbus? I must insist that no one wanders off on their own, otherwise I have to pay insurance on every person we mislay.

Now we're coming up to the Interglactic Gladiator Entertainment Building on Fire Island B. This is a vast complex of thrilling rides for all the family. We shall all go in together and we shall meet again in ten minutes. In the meantime, you can go on the ferris wheel, the roller coaster, the log flume, the tunnel of love, the Gladiator Space Ride, the ghost ride, It's A Big Planet, Pirates of Hacknor.

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All right, how many attractions did you see, ladies and gentlemen? None, because of the queues? Ah, well, nevermind, we aren't responsible that you can't go on the rides. we just take you there.

Now we shall go to the Firefalls of Hacknor. This is a view that you need to get your cameras out for. We've parked where there is a fine position to get your best shots. What's that, madam? You want me to take a picture of your family? There you are. I never can take pictures. Go away, sir, do not try to sell cheap rubbish to those on this tour. Only Dr Watson and I can do that.

Wasn't that a thrill, ladies and gentlemen? Now it's time for lunch. We shall be stopping at a top Hacknor Restaurant, where I shall be getting a free meal...I mean you will be served an excellent dish by Enrico, the master Chef. Yes, sir, the cost was a little extortionate, but since there is only one restaurant on Hacknor, you have little choice.

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That meal was delicious, wasn't it, everybody? What was that? You just had a cold meal, and I had a warm dish? That was Enrico's treat to me for bringing him so much business.

Now we are going to the attraction known as The Centre Of The Hacknor's Core. I know a lot of you will be excited at seeing this, as it leads directly to the core of this planet.

Here we are. What was that, sir? It's just a hole in the ground? Well, yes it is, but it leads to the centre. How do we know that? Jump in if you doubt us, sir.

Now we visit Hacknor museum; a building with a vast array of the planet's history. You will enjoy the spellbinding pices that you see there. We shall meet again in ten minutes.

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I can see that a few of you wern't happy with the Hacknor Museum. You just saw three or four volcanic lava rocks? What do you expect on a Fire Island? Dinosaur remains. Some people are never satisfied.

Now we are going to make a slight detour to a souvenir stall, where Dr Watson will try to palm you off with some useless rubbish...I mean valuable keepsakes of your happy time on Hacknor.

Have you all bought a souvenir? Pablo won't let anyone back on board the hoverbus unless you have.

All right, it's time to head back to our starting point. Thank you for touring with us on Hacknor, and will want to do so again in the future. Please tip us generously, as Dr Watson and I haven't had any money in doing this.