Friday, June 30, 2006

AOC: The Magic Mystery Bus Tour

I look at the tourist. They look like an out of shape bunch, so I guess we will stay in the bus for most of the trip.


tourist 1

The hover bus is a strange variety.


The technology on Hacknor seems a little out of date. Or is this one of Jon’s nefarious plans like the crappy hover bikes?

I use my best “I’m in command” voice.

“Good morning to all of you and welcome to Hacknor. My name is TK 266 and I will be your tour guide today. Just a reminder, keep your hands and arms inside the bus at all times.”

One of the tourists yells out in an obnoxious voice. “What happen if we don’t. Ha Ha.”

"I’ll shoot you." I reply. “Now can you all get on the bus?”

I see a couple of the tourist looking nervous, but they all move towards the bus when I begin to glare at them.’

As we begin, I shout over the roar of the engine “Our first stop will be the Gulf of Gorgons. I would suggest if you are going to take pictures, try not to look directly at the Gorgons or you may be turned to stone. Also don’t not use flash photography or call the Gorgons names like Snakehead. It is rude and will get you killed”.


The tourists look at each other and laugh anxiously.

As we approach the Gulf, we spot gorgons playing in the water.


As some of the tourists begin to snap pictures, I spot the young gorgon who I worked with in our second challenge.

She waves, but I am then distracted by a yell from the back of the bus.

“Aughhh, Mortie. Ahhhhhhhh!”

I turn to see that “Mortie’ has been turned to stone. He is now a statue of a man taking a photo.

I set my blaster to stun and subdue the hysterical women.

“That is why you don’t look directly at the Gorgons, people.” I stated “Now on to our next destination, The Horizon Amphitheatre.”

“But what about Mr. Burkett! He has been turned to stone!” One of the party shouts.

“Think of it as a trinket Mrs. Burkett gets to take home as a reminder of the trip. And best of all it’s free.” I glare at them and they all quite down.

We arrive at the Horizon Amphitheatre and hope out of the bus.

“Well, this is disappointing, I was expecting something bigger” One man says

Ampitheater small

“I just happy that there is nothing here that will turn us to stone.” Mrs. Burkett weeps

I start my spiel. “The Horizon Amphitheatre was used to train gladiators how to fight animals, specifically bears.”

Some of the people look a little horrified.

I smile and say in my best “gash darn” voice, “But the gladiators no longer fight animals because it is considered cruel. Now the gladiators live in balance with nature.”

I get a collective “awwwwwww” from the tourist.

“Ummmm, Mr. TK 266, is that bear over there dangerous?” asked a lady in blue shorts


I look over my shoulder, “It shouldn’t be, not unless you have something like candy bars in your pockets or bags”

The entire group screams and runs for the bus.

The bear chases down one man who is screaming “I have a candy bar in my sock, Aughhhhhhhh!!!!!!”


Wow, that is not pretty.

Soon most of are back on the bus. “Our next attraction will be the Gladiator Entertainment Center on Fire Island B”

“But what about Randy, Steve and Bill. Aren’t you going to rescue them or shoot that bear?”

“Sir, the bears are protected, I can’t shoot them. And if Steve and Bill can run faster than Randy, they should be alright. Ok let go and have some fun.” I explained

As we pull up to the Gladiator Entertainment Center, what’s left of the group breaths a sigh of relief.

“This looks ok. Are we supposed to see some Gladiator entertainment now?” asked an elderly man

As we enter the building I respond “No, this is where the Gladiators come to be entertained. They all have very busy training schedule and like to have some tome to unwind …”

“With slave girls who are forced to do their every bidding? No matter how dirty or humilating.” asked a woman with a hint of exhilaration in her voice.

“Nooooo. They like to play on the new X-box. Take a look”


After a minute one of the men pipes up. “This is boring. I came to Hacknor to mingle with Gladiators; a couple of us are going down to the floor.”

“No skin of my nose’ I reply. “ Just try not to make them upset.”

Several of the tourists try to talk to the Gladiators playing X-box, to no avail. As a tourist turn around he trips on a power cord and a bank of 40 machines goes blank.

The uproar is beyond belief. The Gladiators go crazy and they mob the tourist on the floor.

The tourist who are still with me, look at me expectantly. “I think this is a good time to go to our next location. Everybody back on the bus”

We are down to 5 tourists and the statue of Mortie.

We pull up to the next stop. I begin to talk to the remaining tourist.

“This is Camp Intergalactic Gladiators. At this camp many of the Gladiators begin their training. We will be viewing and will not be in any danger. Just stay with the group and follow me.”

The tourists huddle together and hold hand as we move through the camp.

“Here we see early fight training with soft weapons.”


“Here is another example of training” I add


Several of the Gladiators are shouting “Are you not entertained!” as part of their training.

The rest of the tour goes nicely. It is getting hotter and someone asks if there is any way they can cool down.”

“How about the Waterslide?” I suggest

Everyone agrees and everyone get in line at the Ziggurat of Slipperiness. As the tourist “weeeee” and “whoo hooo” down the slide, I remember the shark issue. Opps

The waterslide

“Swim for the ladder as fast as you can!!!! Faster!!! Faster!!!!”

I meet Mrs. Burkett back at the bus.

“So are you the only one going to the Last Gladiators Standing set?” I ask. She just sits down next to her Mortie statue and we head back to the set.

As I get off the bus, I see our host Jon.

“TK 266, where are the rest of your tourist?” Jon asked looking at the bus worriedly

“Still on the tour I think. Man, I am beat. I am going to take a nap.” I head back to my room.


Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Hey, at least one person survived your tour. That's not so bad. You know, comparted to the Hinderberg Tour.

Friday, June 30, 2006 7:47:00 PM  
Blogger JawaJuice said...

Um…actually 62 people survived the Hindenburg.
For a professor, you’re not too smart, are you?

Just kidding!!! Just kidding!!!
Please don’t mind-wipe what little I have left.


Friday, June 30, 2006 8:40:00 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

I hope you like pig tails, because your going to spend the rest of the day thinking your a 6 year old girl.

Impune my intelligence, will you.

Saturday, July 01, 2006 8:11:00 AM  
Blogger Randy said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Sunday, July 02, 2006 11:41:00 AM  
Blogger Randy said...

Yo dog, that was out of site! The way you stunned the old lady was off the hook!

Congratulations, you're going to Hollywooooooooooooood! (As in Hollywood Casino in Aurora Illinois. Try not to get mugged while you're in the parking lot)

Sunday, July 02, 2006 11:41:00 AM  
Blogger Local Henchmen 432 said...

really funny

Sunday, July 02, 2006 5:44:00 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

My co-author for this post was Warren Piece. (one, two, three, .... see you got it finally)

Monday, July 03, 2006 4:32:00 PM  
Blogger Erifia Apoc said...

Truly creey... I read your comment right before this, and at 3, it hit me like a bag of bricks, cement, and dark matter.

Monday, July 03, 2006 11:05:00 PM  
Blogger Dark Jedi Kriss said...

Tak, you are like a brother to me but, dude, I'm not going anywhere with you. :-P

Friday, July 07, 2006 1:28:00 AM  

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