Tuesday, May 30, 2006

AOC: Eating the Competition for Lunch

An eating contest. This will be no problem. I have eaten just about every disgusting item in my home Galaxy: Grand Army of the Republic MREs, Dewback Dung Beetles, Kashyyyk Tree Slugs, Tauntaun Intestine Stew and once Anakin Skywaker even gave me left-overs of a meal that Senator Amidala had made.

I can honestly say I have eaten meals that would make a Wookie cry and a Jawa throw up. So to quote Chancellor Palpatine “Bring it on!”

I take my seat at table and one of Starkey’s minions comes up to me.

Ah, Mister TK 266. How are you this evening? I will be your waiter Pierre” the man says slimily.

I shoot back, “You must be pretty dry if you Pee….”

Sir, you used that joke a while ago when Jon, The Intergalactic Gladiator, was solving the case of the “Murder on the Orion Express”. If you had read your Last Gladiator Standing contract you would know you are not allowed to recycle lame jokes. Especially if Mr. Jon had heard them and think you…, I mean, the jokes are stupid.”

I looked a little stunned and think to my self: I don’t like this waiter very much.

Ok, I get it, no recycled jokes. So what does Starkey have on tap for me? Rancor Oysters, Sarlacc tongue sandwiches, Mynock eyeballs?” I ask with gusto.

The waiter smiles like the sycophant he is, “Usually one has to go to a cantina on Tattoine to meet someone on your character. How lucky of me to be here today.”

I look blankly at Pierre.

"Anyhoo,” He continues, “Some of the meals are being custom made for the particular taste of the contestants. I am sure you will enjoy your “special meal”."

Pierre heads back to the kitchen area. Wouldn’t you know it, he didn’t ask me what I wanted to drink or leave one of those little baskets of bread. I try to catch the eye of one of the other waiters who all mouth the words “not my station.”

After what seem like hours Pierre comes back and Starkey is with him.

Mr. TK 266, so nice of you to visit. We have a great meal lined up for you. We are starting with an appetizer of Scallops and Cauliflower with Caper Raisin Sauce. Would you care to try them?” asked Starkey

I look warily, “Do I have a choice” He nods in his head from side to side. “Is a ‘Kay-Purr’ anything like a Kaadu? Cuz I like eating Kaaus.” They both look at me funny.

Pierre places three small strange looking food items on the table before me. I swoop up all three and eat them quickly. It tastes very strange: slightly fishy, with a sour and weird sweet taste. I think I am going to throw up, but manage to keep it down.

Oh, that is nasty, “I choke out. “What do you call that funky tasting stuff?

Pierre snottily says “Seasoning, Mr. TK266, Seasoning.” Sharkey grins and walks off muttering “my work here is done

The next item Pierre gives to me is a Garden Gazpacho with Garlic soup. I barley choke it down. How can they call it soup if it is cold and doesn’t have any Ganjuko in it? At least the portions are small. Where did they ever come up with this garbage? I’ve tasted better stuff off the bottom of my boot.

When I look over at the next table, I see Captain Picard eating something that look like Womp Rat Tails. Some people have all the luck.

My next course is something called a Sall-dead. I perk up when Pierre said it was Asparagus with a Vypsigreet dressing. Cool, I love Vyps, which are small poisonous lizards. They are great toasted on a stick. I am immediately downcast when I taste the bitter concoction that was really called Vinaigrette. I think Pierre is doing it on purpose.

I feel sick to my stomach. I throw up a little in my mouth, but swallow it back down.

I see the Henchman eating something that look like lower intestines of a Ronto. I almost tear up.


Are you doing Ok, Mr. TK 266”, Pierre asks smugly. “You can quit at anytime. I am sure your family would still be proud of you. Oh wait, how boorish of me to mention your family when you are a clone. Please forgive me Sir.” I think he is making fun of me.

Now for your Entrée,” He continued, “Tuna Steak with Tapenade Glaze.”
I look up hopefully, Pierre rolls his eyes and says “and before you ask, No I don’t think Tapenade is made from Tapeworm."

Crestfallen I begin to eat the Entrée. The fish has been ruined by the chef, who insisted on cutting off the head and tail before baking it. What is up with this Starkey and his crazy need to heat all the food? After what seems like an eternity I get the last of the sickening rations down. I almost don’t make it.

Pierre smirk obsequiously, “Just one more item, Mr. TK 266. The dessert is a Ricotta Stuffed Shells with Lemon & Berry Sauce. I am sure you will enjoy it very much.”


I look down at the plate. I try smelling it to see if the Barri sauce is actually made from the Space parasite that feeds on old ship and asteroids. One sniff of the unhealthy smelling sweet tells me that is not the case. I decide to just hold my nose and slam down this so called dessert.

As I am trying to gag down the last of my food, Pierre beings talking “Oh that smell heavenly. The lemons were picked fresh today. And the berries are to die for. You can taste the flavor of each one as you bite into its tenderness…”

Pierre’s description of the food I was trying so hard not to think about pushed me over the edge. I heaved, I upchucked, I projectile vomited (like this guy)

I showered Pierre with chunks of the rancid food I had been forced to eat. He ran screaming from the table like a Jawa on fire.

As I wipe my mouth on the tablecloth, I can only hope that the judges will say that I kept the food in long enough to count as completing the meal.

11 Comments:

Blogger Erifia Apoc said...

That is why you fail, to understand food, you must respect it all.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006 4:31:00 PM  
Blogger Randy said...

Yo dog, that was tight. The way you spun your fork was too much. You are definitely with it today.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006 5:24:00 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

I immediately recognized Pierre from the Orion Express. It's so obvious he's a robot; the tie, the accent, it's so esoteric.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006 6:01:00 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

We can't recycle jokes? Well I'm screwed.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006 6:08:00 PM  
Blogger Magdalena said...

I am so glad I left before the spew
lolpoor charles

Tuesday, May 30, 2006 6:48:00 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Randy is certainly much more supportive than Simon was. What a pleasant change.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006 8:57:00 PM  
Blogger Local Henchmen 432 said...

How did you get the good stuff.Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006 10:36:00 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Henchy, What do you mean the "Good" food??? did you hear what I had to eat? My goodness man, you got to eat Ronto Guts, while I was stuck eating something from some dumb city named after one of the Hilton sister!!!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006 10:56:00 PM  
Blogger Simon said...

Good Lord, you whine more than that horrid tubby blonde harpy that wants you to feed the children.

The saucy little tart of a jedi had no problems, so what's wrong with you. You got your arse kicked by a 45 kg girl. I've seen creatures with more grit splattered on the windshield of my speeder.

Friday, June 02, 2006 2:09:00 AM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Zing!

Friday, June 02, 2006 5:03:00 AM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Ouch! *sulks back to room and has a long talk with Mr. Ducky*

Friday, June 02, 2006 2:14:00 PM  

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