AOC: Announcing The Truth
I get to announce for a Intergalactic Gladiator match. This is great, I can remember all the times as a youth on Kamino I would dream about making the big time in the announcing circles.
Oh wait, that wasn’t me, that was DA 199 who died in the cherry bomb in the toilet incident.
Who in their right mind would ever want this crappy job?
“Hi, I am Dick Butkus!” a voice boomed “I’ll be your co-commentator today. You’re a funny looking one. Are you an ex-gladiator turned announcer like me?”
“No, I am just a Last Gladiator Standing contestant.” I reply
“I am a retired Gladiator. Did you know I am in the IG Hall of Fame? I have also appeared in movies and was a regular on T.V. Yes, I have lived quite a life …”
“Hey, Mr. Butt Kiss, stop talking about the old days and fill me in on what the heck were doing here. I heard enough boring old gladiator stories when I stopped by the retirement home earlier.”
“Ooohh, was it Bran Waffle night? And it is pronounced BUTT KUS”
I just stare at him.
“OK then, Captain tighty whitey let’s get on with the match” Butkus hands me a program sheet.
Looking over the event I see that we are announcing for Spar T. Kus and Mr. Robo T.
“Hey Butt kiss, why do we have ugly old guys and the others got hot women in skimpy clothing?”
Butkus shrugs “I’m not sure. The mics are going live. Read the introduction script. And stop calling me butt kiss.”
I quickly grab the script and start reading. “What an event we have you today folks. Two of our greatest Gladiators: Spar T. Kus and Mr. Robo T … hey Butt kiss, would that make this the battle of the Tees?”
“Just read the script armor head”, Butkus snaps
“Uh yeah … these two great champions are going to do battle for you today. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? … Butt kiss, was that loud enough, it said use a big voice and …”
“The microphone is on you moron, just keep to the script.” Butkus growls at me under his breath.
“What you mean like the “Gladiators” in the ring are going to do?” I snap back (score one for the Tak, oh yeah)
“What are you saying, little man. Are you trying to imply that the Intergalactic Gladiator Federation is some how fake?” Butkus says with venom in his voice.
“I don’t know, it seem kind of fake to me. Look at these two; they have got to be in their mid-fifties. Are they really going to be able to fight?’
“Listen here, you snot nose little punk. Being a Gladiator is hard work and it is a physically demanding sport. Do you know how hard we have to train? And those guys are going to fight hard. Spar T. Kus has a heat laser in that sword of his. When that goes off Mr. Robo T will have to have something pretty fancy up his sleeve to beat that. Of course this is a real fight!” Butkus deliverers the line with enthusiasm and a tear forms in the corner of his eye.
“I still say it’s fake. If I wanted some slick prepackaged entertainment, I would just buy a condom. I mean come on, all Spar T. Kus has to do is shoot his “laser” sword at Mr.Robo T’s gold chains. The melting gold would short circuit his roboness. But will that happen? Nooooo. Because it is fake.”
“What are you doing, you can’t give the Gladiators advice like that!” Butkus screamed at me.
In the arena, I see Spar T. Kus look at his sword and then blast Mr. Robo T gold chains. Robo T yells out “I pity the fool who helps my nemesis!” as the melting gold runs into his circuitry. Mr. Robo T falls down.
“OK,” I announce into the mic “It looks like Spar T. Kus has won the day.” I can barley be heard over the booing of the fans.
“I am going to stomp the heck out of you!” Butkus shrieks at me and jumps up.
I almost don’t get my blaster out in time. I fire three stun shot at Butkus and he goes down like a wounded Bantha.
I hear Hudson voice come over the intercom. “TK 266 what going on up there.”
I reply. trying to sound official, “Everything is under control. Situation normal.”
Hudson asked “What happened?”
“Uh...had a slight weapons malfunction. But, uh, everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?” I respond nervously.
Hudson tells me “I’m sending a maintenance squad up.”
“Uh, uh, negative. We had a reactor leak here now. Give us a few minutes to lock it down. Large leak...very dangerous.” I stammer out.
“What do you mean a reactor leak? Stay there, I coming up.” Hudson calls back.
Well, look at the time. I think it is beer thirty over at the LGS bar. I zip out before Hudson get up to the booth.
Oh wait, that wasn’t me, that was DA 199 who died in the cherry bomb in the toilet incident.
Who in their right mind would ever want this crappy job?
“Hi, I am Dick Butkus!” a voice boomed “I’ll be your co-commentator today. You’re a funny looking one. Are you an ex-gladiator turned announcer like me?”
“No, I am just a Last Gladiator Standing contestant.” I reply
“I am a retired Gladiator. Did you know I am in the IG Hall of Fame? I have also appeared in movies and was a regular on T.V. Yes, I have lived quite a life …”
“Hey, Mr. Butt Kiss, stop talking about the old days and fill me in on what the heck were doing here. I heard enough boring old gladiator stories when I stopped by the retirement home earlier.”
“Ooohh, was it Bran Waffle night? And it is pronounced BUTT KUS”
I just stare at him.
“OK then, Captain tighty whitey let’s get on with the match” Butkus hands me a program sheet.
Looking over the event I see that we are announcing for Spar T. Kus and Mr. Robo T.
“Hey Butt kiss, why do we have ugly old guys and the others got hot women in skimpy clothing?”
Butkus shrugs “I’m not sure. The mics are going live. Read the introduction script. And stop calling me butt kiss.”
I quickly grab the script and start reading. “What an event we have you today folks. Two of our greatest Gladiators: Spar T. Kus and Mr. Robo T … hey Butt kiss, would that make this the battle of the Tees?”
“Just read the script armor head”, Butkus snaps
“Uh yeah … these two great champions are going to do battle for you today. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? … Butt kiss, was that loud enough, it said use a big voice and …”
“The microphone is on you moron, just keep to the script.” Butkus growls at me under his breath.
“What you mean like the “Gladiators” in the ring are going to do?” I snap back (score one for the Tak, oh yeah)
“What are you saying, little man. Are you trying to imply that the Intergalactic Gladiator Federation is some how fake?” Butkus says with venom in his voice.
“I don’t know, it seem kind of fake to me. Look at these two; they have got to be in their mid-fifties. Are they really going to be able to fight?’
“Listen here, you snot nose little punk. Being a Gladiator is hard work and it is a physically demanding sport. Do you know how hard we have to train? And those guys are going to fight hard. Spar T. Kus has a heat laser in that sword of his. When that goes off Mr. Robo T will have to have something pretty fancy up his sleeve to beat that. Of course this is a real fight!” Butkus deliverers the line with enthusiasm and a tear forms in the corner of his eye.
“I still say it’s fake. If I wanted some slick prepackaged entertainment, I would just buy a condom. I mean come on, all Spar T. Kus has to do is shoot his “laser” sword at Mr.Robo T’s gold chains. The melting gold would short circuit his roboness. But will that happen? Nooooo. Because it is fake.”
“What are you doing, you can’t give the Gladiators advice like that!” Butkus screamed at me.
In the arena, I see Spar T. Kus look at his sword and then blast Mr. Robo T gold chains. Robo T yells out “I pity the fool who helps my nemesis!” as the melting gold runs into his circuitry. Mr. Robo T falls down.
“OK,” I announce into the mic “It looks like Spar T. Kus has won the day.” I can barley be heard over the booing of the fans.
“I am going to stomp the heck out of you!” Butkus shrieks at me and jumps up.
I almost don’t get my blaster out in time. I fire three stun shot at Butkus and he goes down like a wounded Bantha.
I hear Hudson voice come over the intercom. “TK 266 what going on up there.”
I reply. trying to sound official, “Everything is under control. Situation normal.”
Hudson asked “What happened?”
“Uh...had a slight weapons malfunction. But, uh, everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?” I respond nervously.
Hudson tells me “I’m sending a maintenance squad up.”
“Uh, uh, negative. We had a reactor leak here now. Give us a few minutes to lock it down. Large leak...very dangerous.” I stammer out.
“What do you mean a reactor leak? Stay there, I coming up.” Hudson calls back.
Well, look at the time. I think it is beer thirty over at the LGS bar. I zip out before Hudson get up to the booth.
posted by A Army Of (Cl)One at 10:25 PM
6 Comments:
I didn't think Sparty would win!
Still, it was close.
You gotta tip your hat to Buttkiss, though, not only was he on the Blue Thunder TV show, but he was an executive for the XFL.
I've never been so disillusioned.
Or as Vince McMahon called it, The X..! F..! Elllllllllll...!!!!!!!!
Isn't that a violation of the Prime Directive or something?
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