Monday, July 17, 2006

Xavier Calls The Shots

As I rolled into the announcer’s booth at the arena, my sidekick Arthur lowered the umbrella he had been holding over my head. “Gee, Professor Xavier,” he gushed, “I’m really looking forward to announcing this gladiator match with you.”

I looked back awkwardly at him. “Actually Arthur, I think the producers, er, wanted to go in a different direction with this one.”


“They’ve arranged for someone with a little more experience to co-announce.” I pointed to the man sitting in the chair next to the space reserved for me. The wizened old timer turned around.

“Hey everybody!” he exploded.


“Um,” Arthur said, “but I thought Harry Carray was, well you know, dead?”

“Don’t be rude Arthur,” I chastised.

My sidekick’s eyes fell to the floor. “B-but I was really kind of looking forward to us doing something together. It seems like I’m not any use to you at all. You didn’t take me to the Astral Plane or anything.”

“As it happens, I have a very important assignment for you Arthur.” He brightened up almost instantly. “I need you to go and recalibrate the heat sensors on my hover chair’s Stinger missiles.”

Arthur happily trotted off to perform his task. Or at least, he thought he was happy, if you know what I’m saying.

I approached the microphone, taking my place next to Harry Carey.

“Well hey everybody!” he shouted suddenly into his mike. “Welcome to Wrigley Field here in lovely downtown Chic-“

“Actually Harry,” I quickly interrupted into the mike, “this is the planet Hacknor and that is the Horizon Amphitheater below us. And I believe those are our gladiators coming out of their respective gates now to greet each other before the fight. Let’s see here . . the playbill says today’s match is going to be Witchblade versus . . Vampirella?!”


“Holy cow! Those are two really hot chicks!”

“Um, yes. It must be sweeps week, I guess.” Vampirella? We had gone out briefly before I started dating Magdalena. Well this is going to be a bit awkward.

“Hey!” shouted Harry. “You can really see how the back of their thongs are wedged so deeply between their nicely rounded -"

“Yes!” I hurriedly interrupted. “Yes, I’m sure we can all see what you mean. Let’s try to keep this family oriented, shall we?”

“Hey! I wonder how they get all the blood stains out of the stone floor. Blood can be really tough. How do you think they do it?”

“Well I don’t really know Harry. But it looks like the fight has started, so let’s just focus on that, shall we?”


“Wow! That Witchblade girl just fired some kind of daggers or something as that vampire chick. Man, she is good. A real professional warrior. I wonder what she’s doing here?”

“I think Witchblade has had some free time since her TV show got cancelled.”

“Holy cow! Look at that powerful kick Vampirella just landed on Witchblade. She’s going to be feeling that. I could feel that from up here."


"Hey! I thought Vampirella was dead.”

“You should talk,” I muttered. Out loud I said, “Actually I think this battle is taking place before Vampirella’s blog post number 179.”

“Hey! Witchblade just leapt back to her feet! She’s countering with a series of devastating blows. Ow! Ow! Ow! She is tearing that poor vampire chick apart. The crowd is on their feet. Listen to that roar! Another right to the midsection! Ouch! And now Vampirella is down. I don’t think she’s going to be getting up after that. It might be . . it could be . .”


Oh no! My poor poor Vampirella. She looks really hurt. I hate to see her like this. I just can’t let her lose. She means far too much to me. I know she’d be very upset if I interfered but . . maybe I can buy her a few moments to recover . . if I just reach into Witchblade’s mind . . there . . now implant fear . . she’s cowering back . . staying her weapon . . Vampirella is regaining her strength . . she’s getting up! Good, that gave Vampirella a chance.

“Hey! That vampire chick is getting up! She’s one tough little cookie! Witchblade can’t believe it! She’s just standing there in shock! The vampire swings and . . it’s good!! Wow! What a hit! She’s knocked Witchblade out of the park! Home run!!”

“Game over,” I said.



Blogger Mirai Trunks said...

Hey Prof! thanks for helping hmy Vampi. So do you and Maggie want to double date when you get back from Hacknor?

Monday, July 17, 2006 10:32:00 PM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

Two delightful competitors!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006 7:03:00 AM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Using your powers to stop a competition like this seems wrong to me. I think that... say, what was I just talking about? Hey look a potato bug!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006 9:02:00 AM  
Anonymous (in limbo) Vampi said...

I remember that but I didnt know you helped... Shame on you Charles :)

Tuesday, July 18, 2006 9:42:00 AM  
Anonymous Gollum said...

He cheats he does precious, he's cheats... Nasty tricksy mutantses.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006 10:55:00 AM  
Blogger Erifia Apoc said...

I have to agree with Gollum.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006 10:55:00 AM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Is this show done by Arron Spelling? I haven't seen that much skin since "The Biggest Loser" had a bikini competition. *shudders*

On the other hand it is good to know we can team up with dead people.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006 11:45:00 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

Hudson may someday return to reclaim his catchphrase. And when he does, it will be... lunchtime.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006 9:19:00 AM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Oh I don't think it was cheating. I often go into battle, or rather send my team into battle, to make sure the right side wins. It's all a matter of how you look at it.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006 10:32:00 PM  

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