Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Confronting the Evil Xavier

The swirling, misty red portal opened before me. Wheeling through it, my stomach did the most unpleasant flip-flop. It took a moment for my vision to adjust to the new surroundings. I soon realized that I was in my very own office at my school. And there was my Mirror Universe evil twin, sitting behind the desk. Should I launch a pre-emptive psionic strike against him, I wondered. I was just about to fry all his brain cells when he spoke.

“Oh my, this is a surprise,” he said in a fake syrupy voice as he looked over at me. “Is that Mystique playing some game?” I am not at all surprised to hear that he’s working with the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Like likes like.

He stood up and smiled at me. He was wearing some weird looking costume. For some reason, he hadn’t tried to probe me telepathically yet. And I could also feel that he didn’t have an psychic defenses in place. Strange.


“No, I am not Mystique. I am you, Charles. You from a parallel world. I have come here to confront you. Hopefully to make you give up your evil ways.”

“Evil ways? What are you talking about? Here at the Institute we spread peace and happiness.”

“Oh sure,” I snorted. “The old ‘Doctor Doom just wants to bring peace and stability to the world’ logic. Sorry Charlie, that’s not going to work with me. I have no doubt that that you use your powers to impose your will on others. You want to re-make this world in your image, right?”

“Not at all,” he replied. “I’m shocked you could even suggest such a thing. Here at the Institute for Peace and Brotherhood we spread a message of love and harmony with all of creation.”

“Ha! Do you think me naïve? Of course you use your mutant goons to impose your will on others, crushing any that oppose you and your twisted ideals.”

“I would never do such a thing,” he assured me. “I abhor all violence and would never lift a hand against my fellow creatures. We are all pacifists here.”

“Oh please! If Magneto had a gun to the President’s head you wouldn't have Wolverine gut him with his claws?”

My evil-self’s face went pale. “How could you think such a thing? Eric would never hold a gun to anyone’s head. The mere idea is just ludicrous. He’s a gentle soul. And so is Logan. You sir, are a barbarian.”

I stared in disbelief at the wimpy simp cowering in disgust before me. This wasn’t some kind of mirror universe. This was a spineless coward’s universe.

“You are pathetic,” I told him. “If you want to save people and make the world a better place, then sometimes you have to fight. Often there is no choice but to send out the troops and break some heads. If you let those who think differently than you do have their way, they will ruin this world. You can’t be afraid to reach into someone’s mind and take control of them. It’s for their own good!”

I saw my wimpy self tremebling in horror. “Y-you’re a m-monster,” he finally whispered. “Take control of someone’s mind? How could you even think of such a thing? You are evil through and through!”

I sat there staring at him in contempt. How pathetic. How could I ever be so sniveling and gutless? Maybe this was some kind of joke. Maybe that doorway wasn’t taking us to a mirror universe at all. Maybe Jon had hidden cameras on us, laughing away while we got ‘punked,’ as the kids say. Ha! I’ll get my revenge on him. Let’s see how Jon likes spending the week thinking he’s a slug.

Or maybe this was some kind of devious trap. Maybe this Xavier really was evil and was trying to lull me into dropping my defenses so that he and his evil cronies could – no. This goody goody worm was no threat to anyone.

Wait a minute. I know Jon was telling the truth because I was scanning his mind as he gave us this challenge. That means this really is my Mirror Universe counterpart. But he’s such a goody goody. And how dare he impune my methods? So what if I maintain a highly trained mutant strike force? So what if I routinely alter people’s thoughts and memories to further my own ends? All I want to do is bring peace and stability to the world.

Oh crap.

He’s the good Xavier and I’m the evil Xavier.

This is ridiculous. It can't be . . . and yet . . . okay, fine. I can’t let anyone back home find out about this. I’ll have to kill – no, no – I'll just reach into his defenseless mind and put him into a coma. Yes, that’s the humane thing to do.

Now then, what cover story shall I tell the others?


Blogger Local Henchmen 432 said...

I knew...something,I forget...Oh well.Dental for all.

Professor X will rule the...

Tuesday, July 11, 2006 9:10:00 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

If it's any consolation, I guess you could consider that the ends justify the means. It's like when Those Klingons were like "Garrr, we're Klingons, joins us!" and Warf was like "Aaarr, no way!" and then he shot that one and the Klingon crashed through the glass deck on the warp core.

OK, maybe that's not a good exampke, maybe it's more like when Frankenstein had to win the race so he could blow up the president with his grenade hand.

OK, that wasn't so good, either.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006 9:14:00 PM  
Blogger Private Hudson said...

What goes on in the Mirror Universe stays in the Mirror Universe.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006 9:15:00 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

That's my philosophy.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006 9:33:00 PM  
Blogger Magdalena said...

hmmm... he is kind of cute the other you

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 12:21:00 AM  
Blogger Wolverine said...

I'm peaceful in that univers I thik i'll have ta visit me an' kick him in the throat.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 12:25:00 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

Then... Bender is the evil Bender!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 8:37:00 AM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Jon: you did not just make “Deathrace 2000" reference! Oh the depths some men will sink to. LOL

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 11:57:00 AM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

If Storm finds out...

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 12:08:00 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

That was Deathrace 2000?! I get it now. I didn't recognize it at first and thought it was just some kind of Gyrobo stream of consciousness thing. Very funny!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 1:24:00 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Deathrace rules in so many ways.

They are remaking it, but I can't imagine it being nearly as good.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 2:37:00 PM  
Blogger SafeTinspector said...


Wednesday, July 12, 2006 5:59:00 PM  

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