Tuesday, August 15, 2006

If Wrestling is fake, why am I hurting?

“Hey King! There is going to be a dynamite 2 v 1 tag match today. This is a grudge match…” Jim Ross said.

“What do you mean?!” Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler.

“In one corner… We’ve got Erifia Apoc, all by her lonesome…”

Puppies!?” The King screeched, “Erifia’s a woman, right? Puppies! Puppies!”

“Yes, Puppies king… Erifia is new in IGL… Intergalatic Gladiator League, for those of who are new… But she’s currently been surviving on LGS. We are expecting the Jedi to come out swinging.”

“With her Puppies!”

“Yes king, with her puppies. This is also a street fight, so any weapons are allowed, and it’s a good thing for her, and her competitors.”

“Why’s that Ross, do they have Puppies too?”

“No, her opponents for the night are The Lekku Smasher, whose finisher is using a hammer to smash the lekkus of his oppenants….

… and the Mindless Beast, who can’t be manipulated because all he is a frenzied rage…”

The king screeched, “But, the Puppies!”

“Enough about the puppies already.”

My theme song began to play. It was The Imperial March. I walked down the aisle. I checked my lekku weapons, and entered the ring. I jumped over the third rope, and did a twi’lek dance in the middle of the ring.

“Weighing in at-“

“Shut-up!” I yelled at Jim.

“Her age is-“

“Shut-up!” I yelled again.

“Hailing from Ryloth, the Jedi Erifia Apoc.”

The next song to play was Black Dog by the Leaden Zepplin. There was a man coming down with a hammer.

“Weighing in at 225, the six foot six, wrestler hailing from Earth, The Lekku Smasher.”

He growled when he saw me… I gulped… My lekkus wiggled in fear.

“Weighing in at 450 pounds, the seven foot three beast hailing from Azeroth,

“Triple lekkus!” he yelled into a mic, “Triple pain!”

The next song to play was Carmina Burana. That’s when I saw the beast. This was going to be ugly. I was going to lose.

The rushed down to the ring together, and once they got into it, and in a double close line, sent me falling to the ground. The bell rung.

“Ooo! Double close line King…”

“Don’t hurt the Puppies!”

I rolled up, and I used my lekkus as whips, and hit the Lekku smasher with my weapons hanging on them. It sent him flying in a circle, and he struck the ground.

“What was that king?”

“I think that was The Spinning Lekku, we don’t often see that one here.”

I began to kick him as he was on the ground, and he grabbed my leg. And brought me to the ground. I hit it with a thump, and I tried to get out of his grip. He slammed his hammer on my shin.

I screamed in pain. He tagged The Mindless Beast and likewise, the beast got up and the top roped and did a full on dive onto my body. I doubled over from impact.

If wrestling is fake, why am I hurting?”

He pushed me down by my shoulders, and I quickly jumped my shoulder up as the Ref just started to count.

“She’s not ready to give up yet king…”

“And I’m not quitting until I see her Puppies!”

I pushed him off, and began to back away a bit. That’s when Lekku Smasher came up from behind and busted my head with a kendo stick.

I tried to protect my lekkus but he kept hitting and hitting.

I fell to the mat trying to catch my breath.

The Mindless Beast tried to pun me again. The ref got to two and three fourths before I threw him off of me. I began to crawl away. There was just one to many of them…

The Lekku Smasher hit my lekkus with the kendo stick again.

“This isn’t even right…” Jim said.

“It’s a beatdown, that’s sure… Maybe they’ll take off her top so I can see her Puppies.”

I began to crawl away. That’s when I saw the most beautiful sight my tear filled eyes saw. Becca the Magnificant was standing in my corner.

“Tag me! Tag me!”

I tagged her hand, and she came in, took one look at the beast, tried to read his mind, and turned tail, and tagged me.

“Thanks Becca…” I mumbled when I stepped back into the ring.

“That was Becca the Magnificant.”

“I don’t care who she is, she has Puppies!”

“Hold on a second,” I said to the Beast, “Just one second, I’ll be right back…”

Becca walked behind the king, and I took a steel chair, and smashed his head, and hit the table with a thump. Becca went to my corner, and I got back in the ring.

“Thanks Beast.”

“No Prob… You good?” He growled.

“You bet.”

The Beast swung his claw at me, and I did a backwards cartwheel, and Becca came up from behind and hit the Beast with a steel chair. He hit the ground, and I turned to the Lekku Smasher. He hit me with a kendo stick again, and I hit the ground again, writing in pain.

He then pulled out a sledgehammer. The crowd began to cheer… For him?

“Uh King! Uh King! This isn’t looking good for Erifia and Becca.”

He swung the sledgehammer down. He hit my thermal detonator…

“You idiot!” I screamed.

Jim yelled, “A thermal detonator! Who’d have thought…

I grabbed Becca, and ran from the ring as it exploded. Laying on the ground was both The Mindless Beast and The Lekku Smasher. The Beast stood, and charged at me. Becca and I hefted the massive flab into the air, and we double suplexed him. I ran over to The Lekku Smasher, and pulled him next to the Beast, and I laid on both of them.

“Oh the carnage, and she’s pinning both of them… Both of them!”

“One!” The ref said, “Two…” he paused for like a minute, “Three.”

I stood and he raised my arm into the air.

“I won!?” I screamed and questioned myself at the same time.

The crowd began to chant, “Puppies. Puppies. Puppies. Puppies…”

Becca turned, and she began to undo her top…

“…And cut to commercial,” Jon said, “That’s good. We got it all on tape. It’ll make a great show next week.”

If you’ll excuse me, I have to go and ice my lekkus,

Sweaty hugs, and softly placed kisses,
Erifia Apoc

PS. 0?!?!

Also... That idiot said puppies ten times.


Blogger Professor Xavier said...

I must say, those are some very cute and cuddly puppies. There's really few things in life more satisfying than petting nice puppies.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006 8:17:00 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

He only said puppies ten times? Looks like he toned it down a bit.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006 9:40:00 AM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

Erifia, were you trying to win bt referring to 'puppies'?

Good idea!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006 2:14:00 PM  
Blogger Erifia Apoc said...

Ahhh... Why I never. The Acquisitions. Hmph... I can't believe you would even realize.. I mean.. Imagine such a thing.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006 4:51:00 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Nothing to be embarassed about. Everyone loves puppies.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006 5:57:00 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

Yes, we're all trying to "bear" with the story. Such fun. A "whale" of a tale!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006 7:44:00 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

I am not much of a pet lover, but ...

Wednesday, August 16, 2006 9:47:00 PM  
Blogger Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

Oh, impressive, excellent use of wrestling references.*polite golf clap*

Nice fighting, and you did it all on your own. Let see if they boys can manage on their own or wimp out and go it together ;)

Thursday, August 17, 2006 1:25:00 AM  
Blogger Florence said...

Hmm...so little me to get excited about with all those puppies running around. But can't fault you for the strategy..when the going gets tough..

You kick butt, sister!

Thursday, August 17, 2006 3:51:00 AM  
Blogger Erifia Apoc said...

Florence - I worried about losing your respect most in my change of attack strageties.

Thursday, August 17, 2006 8:42:00 AM  
Blogger Florence said...

Adaptability is a trait I admire, Erifia ;)

respect noted and returned.

Thursday, August 17, 2006 9:51:00 AM  

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