Friday, June 30, 2006

Xavier Gets Heckled

Tour guide? I’ve never been on a tour of anything in my life. What do they say?

As I hesitated outside of the mini-bus door pondering my fate, Jon came over to me.

“I’ve arranged a special surprise for you, Professor.”

“Oh, what’s that?” I asked innocently.

“I was able to get a member of your family in the tour group. That should ensure a friendlier crowd for you.”

“Um . . which family member?”

“Let’s see,” Jon glanced down at his clipboard. His finger glided down a list of names. “Cain Marko.”

Cain Marko! The Juggernaut?!

I sat there stunned as Jon clapped my shoulder and walked away, whistling a happy little diddy. Oh well, maybe my psychotic step-brother won’t have his psionic blocking helmet on. Yeah right.

I fiddled with the controls on my hover-chair and it lifted me up into the bus. Marko was in the front seat, a big cat-ready-to-pounce-on-a-mouse grin on his face. I quickly glanced up and saw that he wore a strange black stocking cap on his head. I tried to read his mind telepathically but that damn cap shielded him. Great.


Forcing a big smile on my face, I addressed the tourists. “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to lovely Hacknor, home to the Intergalactic Gladiator Association. Or is it World Gladiator Federation? Um, no, I think it’s actually the-”

“You don’t even know the name of the group?” asked Marko. “Ha! I guess they must call you an egghead ‘cause your brains are scrambled!”

Some of the tourists chuckled at that.

“Yes well, it really isn’t important,” I said. “We are here for a tour. Now let’s see what’s, oh yes, if you look over on your left, you can see the pile of damaged, destroyed and otherwise discarded hoverbikes that we used in the second challenge of Last Gladiator Standing.”


Everyone turned to look out the windows. “You lost that race, ain’t that right Chuck?” Marko asked. “And didn’t you get dunked in the ocean during the race? You must have really needed a bath, huh? What, was your girlfriend complaining?”

The chuckling got louder. “Yeah, speakin’ a your girlfriend, did Bone Grinder ever call after your big date?” Marko asked.

“Yeah, it seemed like you two were really hitting it off!” some punk in the back yelled out. The chuckling turned to out right laughter.

“No,” I said, my cheeks turning red. “He did not call. I mean, we did not go on a date! Now if we can please get back to-”

“Ain’t that just like a guy?” interrupted Marko. “You show him a good time, dinner, dancing, the whole thing, and then in the mornin’ he don’t even know you!”

The group burst out in raucous guffaws. “I bet he didn’t even send flowers! Ha ha!” Marko continued.

“People!” I yelled. “I am trying to show you the awesome Fire Lakes of Tarsus. Don’t you-”

It was no use. Everyone was too far gone with laughter. Obviously there was only one way I was going to be able to regain control. I reached into the mind of Gladys Fishmocker, the rather short lady from Pasadena sitting directly behind Marko. I made her reach forward and yank that annoying psionic dampening cap off of Marko’s head.

Before he could react, he’s not known for his quick thinking you see, I took over his mind. I had Marko stand up and step into the aisle. He faced the front of the bus, bent forward and dropped his pants. The whole bus saw his Strawberry Shortcake boxers. For a moment they were shocked into silence. Then they burst out laughing even harder then they had before.


I left Marko like that for the rest of the tour.

AOC: The Magic Mystery Bus Tour

I look at the tourist. They look like an out of shape bunch, so I guess we will stay in the bus for most of the trip.


tourist 1

The hover bus is a strange variety.


The technology on Hacknor seems a little out of date. Or is this one of Jon’s nefarious plans like the crappy hover bikes?

I use my best “I’m in command” voice.

“Good morning to all of you and welcome to Hacknor. My name is TK 266 and I will be your tour guide today. Just a reminder, keep your hands and arms inside the bus at all times.”

One of the tourists yells out in an obnoxious voice. “What happen if we don’t. Ha Ha.”

"I’ll shoot you." I reply. “Now can you all get on the bus?”

I see a couple of the tourist looking nervous, but they all move towards the bus when I begin to glare at them.’

As we begin, I shout over the roar of the engine “Our first stop will be the Gulf of Gorgons. I would suggest if you are going to take pictures, try not to look directly at the Gorgons or you may be turned to stone. Also don’t not use flash photography or call the Gorgons names like Snakehead. It is rude and will get you killed”.


The tourists look at each other and laugh anxiously.

As we approach the Gulf, we spot gorgons playing in the water.


As some of the tourists begin to snap pictures, I spot the young gorgon who I worked with in our second challenge.

She waves, but I am then distracted by a yell from the back of the bus.

“Aughhh, Mortie. Ahhhhhhhh!”

I turn to see that “Mortie’ has been turned to stone. He is now a statue of a man taking a photo.

I set my blaster to stun and subdue the hysterical women.

“That is why you don’t look directly at the Gorgons, people.” I stated “Now on to our next destination, The Horizon Amphitheatre.”

“But what about Mr. Burkett! He has been turned to stone!” One of the party shouts.

“Think of it as a trinket Mrs. Burkett gets to take home as a reminder of the trip. And best of all it’s free.” I glare at them and they all quite down.

We arrive at the Horizon Amphitheatre and hope out of the bus.

“Well, this is disappointing, I was expecting something bigger” One man says

Ampitheater small

“I just happy that there is nothing here that will turn us to stone.” Mrs. Burkett weeps

I start my spiel. “The Horizon Amphitheatre was used to train gladiators how to fight animals, specifically bears.”

Some of the people look a little horrified.

I smile and say in my best “gash darn” voice, “But the gladiators no longer fight animals because it is considered cruel. Now the gladiators live in balance with nature.”

I get a collective “awwwwwww” from the tourist.

“Ummmm, Mr. TK 266, is that bear over there dangerous?” asked a lady in blue shorts


I look over my shoulder, “It shouldn’t be, not unless you have something like candy bars in your pockets or bags”

The entire group screams and runs for the bus.

The bear chases down one man who is screaming “I have a candy bar in my sock, Aughhhhhhhh!!!!!!”


Wow, that is not pretty.

Soon most of are back on the bus. “Our next attraction will be the Gladiator Entertainment Center on Fire Island B”

“But what about Randy, Steve and Bill. Aren’t you going to rescue them or shoot that bear?”

“Sir, the bears are protected, I can’t shoot them. And if Steve and Bill can run faster than Randy, they should be alright. Ok let go and have some fun.” I explained

As we pull up to the Gladiator Entertainment Center, what’s left of the group breaths a sigh of relief.

“This looks ok. Are we supposed to see some Gladiator entertainment now?” asked an elderly man

As we enter the building I respond “No, this is where the Gladiators come to be entertained. They all have very busy training schedule and like to have some tome to unwind …”

“With slave girls who are forced to do their every bidding? No matter how dirty or humilating.” asked a woman with a hint of exhilaration in her voice.

“Nooooo. They like to play on the new X-box. Take a look”


After a minute one of the men pipes up. “This is boring. I came to Hacknor to mingle with Gladiators; a couple of us are going down to the floor.”

“No skin of my nose’ I reply. “ Just try not to make them upset.”

Several of the tourists try to talk to the Gladiators playing X-box, to no avail. As a tourist turn around he trips on a power cord and a bank of 40 machines goes blank.

The uproar is beyond belief. The Gladiators go crazy and they mob the tourist on the floor.

The tourist who are still with me, look at me expectantly. “I think this is a good time to go to our next location. Everybody back on the bus”

We are down to 5 tourists and the statue of Mortie.

We pull up to the next stop. I begin to talk to the remaining tourist.

“This is Camp Intergalactic Gladiators. At this camp many of the Gladiators begin their training. We will be viewing and will not be in any danger. Just stay with the group and follow me.”

The tourists huddle together and hold hand as we move through the camp.

“Here we see early fight training with soft weapons.”


“Here is another example of training” I add


Several of the Gladiators are shouting “Are you not entertained!” as part of their training.

The rest of the tour goes nicely. It is getting hotter and someone asks if there is any way they can cool down.”

“How about the Waterslide?” I suggest

Everyone agrees and everyone get in line at the Ziggurat of Slipperiness. As the tourist “weeeee” and “whoo hooo” down the slide, I remember the shark issue. Opps

The waterslide

“Swim for the ladder as fast as you can!!!! Faster!!! Faster!!!!”

I meet Mrs. Burkett back at the bus.

“So are you the only one going to the Last Gladiators Standing set?” I ask. She just sits down next to her Mortie statue and we head back to the set.

As I get off the bus, I see our host Jon.

“TK 266, where are the rest of your tourist?” Jon asked looking at the bus worriedly

“Still on the tour I think. Man, I am beat. I am going to take a nap.” I head back to my room.

Welcome all Guests, I am tour guide Barbie Maggie

As I watched the bus come down I thought, "Tour Guide, okay this I can do… When I was studying in Germany I had to give tour guides of the Cathedrals."

Squawk box screeched, "Good Mourning, Welcome to Hacknor, My name is Maggie. I am one of the contestants of the Last Gladiator Standing and I will be your Tour Guide for today. So where is everyone from?"

I got random places screamed at me




Squawker box squelches again, "Well we have people from everywhere… Do we have anyone from Earth here today?"

A man raises his hand

I pointed," Yes sir where on Earth you are from?"

He looked puzzle at me at first….

The man with his family stood, "Wie bitte?"

I smiled, "Auch-So, Sie kommen aus Deutchland. Sprechen Sie Englisch? "

Oh great I hope he is the only non-english speaker

He looked down at his Daughter, "ein bischen."

I smiled again, "Kien Problem. Now is there anyone else that doesn't speak Earth-.English very well?"

Whew I thought as I saw heads shake, I only have to do this tour in two Language that is good.

I spoke into the Squawker box again, "Very well Ladies and Gentlemen shall we proceed? Miene Damen und Herren , Sollte gehen Wir?"

The bus started…

I continued, "Hacknor has several Volcanoes. Hacknor hast viele Vulkane. During the second Challenge in Last Gladiator, we had to race to varies obstacles along a chain of Islands. Während die zweite Herausforderung, haben Wir einen Rennen durch viele Isel gehabt."

I stood, "If you will look to your right you will see The Coral Reef of Madness, Don't let its beauty fool you, there is many dangers here in this reef. Am seine rechte seite, Sehen Sie die 'Coral Reef of Madness'. Nicht sind Sie getäuscht. Hier ist vielen Gefahren. For example a giant squid, anyone want to get rid of a kid? Zum beispiele, einen Großen Kalmar. Möchten Sie eines kind weg gehen?"

The crowd and I laughed as many kids moved to the left side of the bus

Drums began playing in the distance…

"Now continuing on your right is the Lagoon of Danger. Jetzt, am den rechte seite, der 'Lagoon of Danger,' " I said "The Natives sounds like they hare having a party, Anyone want to loose their heads? Hören Sie, die Eingeborene ist ein Party haben. Möchten Sie dein Kopf weg gehen?"

A few more chuckles as loads of people took pictures.

I smiled, "While we pass through the sea of gorgons, Does anyone have a question? Während gehen Wir durch die 'Sea of Gorgons', Fragen Sie für mich?"

Everyone spoke amongst themselves then the German man's wife raised her hand…

"Bitte," I said

"als diese Herausforderung haben Sie gehabt, haben Sie Spaß?" She asked

I looked into the crowd, "The Question is: Did I have fun doing this Challenge. The answer is yes, more than the others. Ja, mehr dann die anderen"

I rose and pointed to our left, "Here is one of the Volcanoes, Fire Island has two Volcanoes, Any husbands want to sacrifice their wives? Hier ist die Vulkane, Fire Island ist ein Insel mit zwei Vulkane. möchten ein Ehemann seine Frau weg gehen?"

As we came up to the water slide I could hear the kids getting excited…

The squawker box snapped heads back to my direction, "Ladies and Gentlemen and young children, We now approach the Deadly water slide of Fun, Built by a famous Gladiator, it isn't the oldest but one of the wondrous treasures on the island. We will be taking a break here and welcome you to visit the Old Gladiators home. The Old Gladiators have dressed up and are looking forward to entertaining you… The Tour will resume in 30 minutes until then I will be available in front of the bus to answer any and all questions you may have about Last Gladiator Standing… Meine Damen und Herren, liebe Kinder, Jetzt, sehen Sie die Deadly Water Slide of Fun. Es entworfen bei ein berühmt Gladiator zwar ist nicht die älteste aber ist es eine besonderes Denkmal am den Insel hier. Wir machen ein kleinen Pause. Sie sind willkommen zu sucht die Alteheim. Die alte Gladiatoren zogen besondere Kleidung an. Das Tour beginnt zum noch 30 minuten bis dann bin Ich hier mit dem Bus und kann Ich antwort alles Ihren Fragen über Der 'Last Gladiator Standing…'."

I watched as everyone off loaded… Some walked up and asked me questions about myself but the two questions that shocked me was when two guests asked me what Fluke was like.

The second question was when someone asked me if it was true I dated Hudson…

"never…" I said firmly

"But in his new book… The H-Man and the women who loved him. When he lists different hearts he has broken of lovers he has had, he lists you." The woman said as she showed me the book..

"Multiply that list by 0 and you have how many woman were Hudson's lover." I said as I went to get me a drink…

Once the Bus loaded I began the tour, "Welcome back, Willkommen zuruck. Our Next stop is Fire Island 12, The Lava Pools are the oldest natural formation here. Parents you might want to grab hold of your kids because we are now passing the Haunted Observatory. Unser nächste Halten ist Fire Island 12. Der Lava Bad sind der älteste natürliche Anordnung am Hacknor. Eltern holten Ihren kinder weil gehen wir nach der Haunted Observatory."

The kids all screamed when the bus lights flickered….

"We come now to the end of the Tour, On the Main Island you will be able to meet Colonial Marines…. "

The woman who had asked me the question before swooned, "Like Private Hudson..:"

"Yes, Also you can see Stargate Lab, Memorials and LGS barracks. There are fine beaches and loads of fun… Please visit the souvenir shops and Kids don't forget to sign up as an official Jr. Intergalactic Gladiator… The next Tour will be conducted by another contestant from LSG. I am not sure what they have plan so feel free to return for another Tour….. Jetzt, Kommen wir von Tour zu die ende. Am den Insel suchen Sie der Colonial Marines . Die Frau fragst, "als Private Hudson.. Die antwort ist Ja. Sie kann der Stargate Lab, Denkmal und LGS Schlafzimmer sehen. Hacknor hast nette Strände. Bitte suchten Sie der Andenken Laden und liebe Kinder nicht vergessen Sie zu unterzeichnen Sie oben official Jr. Intergalactic Gladiator… Das nächste Tour geben bei eine andere. I weiß nicht ihren Plan ist, zwar kommen Sie noch mal."

I smiled as everyone left, "Goodbye, enjoy your stay… Auf Wiedersehen, schön Tag"

As I was leaving I saw the next group getting ready for the next Tour....

"Psst Maggie, is there food on these Tours?"

Erifia without the I-a and reversed is Fire...Tour guide

I stepped onto the bus. How painful was this going to be?

“Hello, my name is Erifia Apoc… And this is Hacknor, home of the thousands of Fire Isles… Did you know my name has roots in Fire? Take off the i-a and flip it, and I’m fire.”

The tourists laughed a bit. Did they have no sense of humor that was the worst joke ever.

“I know, I know… So Driver, if you would, take us away…”

The Driver took off, and began to fly slowly around.

“If you’ll use your underneath and over top viewing screens, underneath us, you’ll see the Sea of Cheep Cheeps. During a race on Last Gladiator Standing, I was nearly eaten by them… They’d have gotten me to…but…”

They saw them…

“Hey Erifia!” I heard coming from…

“This tour is great… Its really amazing… For me to poop on!”

“Please, no hassling me…I am a Jedi.”

He sat down in the chair, and watched me impatiently.

“Next on Fire Island Omega there is something called the Lagoon of Danger, and in it is a Kraken, if you look down you may be able to see it…”

They did, and they didn’t see it… He wasn’t coming out.

“I’m sorry folks, after I kicked his…”

“As you were saying about the Kraken Erifia? He’s a real scary beast… For me to poop on!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you, maybe you should speak a bit louder next time…” I told him, “Now my friends, next is the dreaded Gulf of Gorgons… Now, you’ll see a horrible thing in there, but don’t look her in the eyes, or else she’ll kill you…”

The whole tour bus shivered and averted their eyes.

“I know, I know, she is scary, isn’t she?”

“Hey Erifia,” the little dog thing yelled, “You look like her… and I would…”

“Enough, shut up!” I yelled at him, “Sorry for losing my cool, To countinue…”

We went past the slide, “This is the slide of doom, its rather fun, actually… At the bottom I met Garth and Hub… At the Old Gladiators Home. They are tough as nails, and don’t be surprised if they start shooting.”

As we flew over them, they fired a volley of shots up at the tour bus…

“See isn’t that fun?” I asked, “I happen to enjoy it… Now, we are avoiding the haunted observatory which is over to your right, if you look closely you can see most of the ghosts, all trying to get at you, and kill you… Thus the reason why we are avoiding it… Being ghosts and all, they are pretty much a dead crowd anyway…”

Everyone laughed except the stupid dog, “Hey Erifia!” I threw a camera at him, and knocked him out.

“Now, on our right you’ll see the Intergalatic Entertainment Building…”

“Yes, I know… These Gladiators don’t have the sophistication that we Jedi do. It could be worse… Their amphitheater could be made of ancient stones…”

We flew to the next island in the space between the dog woke up.

“Ancient Bones, Did you say Ancient Bones?”

“No I said Ancient Stones, and look, here it is, made of ancient stones…”

I sighed, “I’m sure it was very nice, a thousand years ago,” I smiled.

The tour bus laughed.

“Now, next on our tour is Camp Intergalatic Gladiator… Now… Some of the images you are about to disturb you…”

“Don’t worry about him… He’ll be okay… I hope…”

“Speaking of Disturbing…” The dog said, “Your face is the most disturbing thing I could ever see, for me to poop on!”

I grabbed him by his little neck, and I opened the door and sent him pummeling 5,000 feet below…

“Now your crushed body will be something for me to…spit on!” I yelled at it.

The tour bus laughed…

“Thank you for riding Tours Erifia, I hope you enjoyed your ride,” We arrived back at the platform, and I sighed so heavily I nearly fainted.

If you’ll excuse me, I need some Klingon Blood Wine, lots of Klingon Blood Wine,

Hugs and *hiccup* Kisses,
Erifia Apoc

Challenge #6

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, twelve brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Everyone is gathered on the tarmac of the landing pad.

Jon: Gladiators, welcome to Challenge #6. You people are going to need your wits for this one. Your wits and your fast thinketedness.

Captain Picard: Why are we on the landing pad? Is this going to be another race?

Jon: Even better.

Professor X: Are we going into space?

Jon: Nope. Better.

Henchman: Are we shooting each other out of cannons?

Jon: Uh no... But your challenge has arrived. Take a look.

A small group of hoverbuses descend onto the landing pad. Each one settles to a halt.

Magdelena: Buses?

Jon: Tour buses.

AOC: And it is full of...

Jon: Tourists.

Gyrobo: We fight the tourists? I love political humor!

Jon: No no. You're just taking them on a tour of Hacknor.

The handsome host climbs into one bus and greets the driver with a slap on the shoulder. He then grabbed the microphone for the bus.

Jon: How are you doing, everybody?

Tourists: Yay!

Jon: I got a bunch of people here who are ready to take you on a tour of Hacknor. Are you ready?

Tourists: Yay!

Jon: Great. (to the contestants) As before, you're playing for immunity for yourself and team. Simon and Randy will be your judges. Any questions?

The contestants stare blankly at Jon.

Jon: OK, who's first?

Thursday, June 29, 2006


Well I've come back to the Planet Hacknor To try and catch my idiot Father in-law, and get my stuff . I ran into Simon and punched him through a wall accidently oops . I hear he'll be okay at some point .

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Well Fare well evreyone ! I 'll always have a souviner of this expirence Henchman's arm! Ha!

Challenge #5 Voting

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, twelve brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Alright folks, who's the unlucky gladiator?

Who on this challenge really twisted our collective funny bone? Twisted it in painful, awful ways?

Why did The Sayain Prince buy a bunch of carrots? 'Cuz he's a Veg-eta! Get it?

Bah. OK, Vegeta, you are not the Last Gladiator Standing, we'll be Sayain you later. Goodbye.

Stay tuned for the next challenge.

Last Gladiator Standing was brought to you in part today by Nuclear Fun Ball.

Nuclear Fun Ball, have hours (er, or minutes) of fun irradiating all your friends!

Official Hacknor Tour

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen; welcome to Hacknor.

I am Jean-Luc Picard, and will be your host for this tour. I will be assisted by Dr John H Watson. Pablo is your driver. Be sure to give him a tip at the end of the tour, otherwise he may close the doors as you are trying to get out.

Is everybody ready? I hope you have your cameras with you, as you'll need them. What's that sir? Can you buy film? Rest assured there are plenty of booths ready to sell you film at extortionate prices.

Pablo, start the bus if you, please; I said Pablo...START THE BUS!!

Our first stop is the Coral Reef of Madness. I must buy tickets for you all to enter the building here. Eric, the guard will let you in. Please, no tapping the water tanks, and do not put your hand in the Piranha tank. You cannot take pictures here, but Eric will sell you postcards.

Is everyone back on board the hoverbus? I must insist that no one wanders off on their own, otherwise I have to pay insurance on every person we mislay.

Now we're coming up to the Interglactic Gladiator Entertainment Building on Fire Island B. This is a vast complex of thrilling rides for all the family. We shall all go in together and we shall meet again in ten minutes. In the meantime, you can go on the ferris wheel, the roller coaster, the log flume, the tunnel of love, the Gladiator Space Ride, the ghost ride, It's A Big Planet, Pirates of Hacknor.


All right, how many attractions did you see, ladies and gentlemen? None, because of the queues? Ah, well, nevermind, we aren't responsible that you can't go on the rides. we just take you there.

Now we shall go to the Firefalls of Hacknor. This is a view that you need to get your cameras out for. We've parked where there is a fine position to get your best shots. What's that, madam? You want me to take a picture of your family? There you are. I never can take pictures. Go away, sir, do not try to sell cheap rubbish to those on this tour. Only Dr Watson and I can do that.

Wasn't that a thrill, ladies and gentlemen? Now it's time for lunch. We shall be stopping at a top Hacknor Restaurant, where I shall be getting a free meal...I mean you will be served an excellent dish by Enrico, the master Chef. Yes, sir, the cost was a little extortionate, but since there is only one restaurant on Hacknor, you have little choice.


That meal was delicious, wasn't it, everybody? What was that? You just had a cold meal, and I had a warm dish? That was Enrico's treat to me for bringing him so much business.

Now we are going to the attraction known as The Centre Of The Hacknor's Core. I know a lot of you will be excited at seeing this, as it leads directly to the core of this planet.

Here we are. What was that, sir? It's just a hole in the ground? Well, yes it is, but it leads to the centre. How do we know that? Jump in if you doubt us, sir.

Now we visit Hacknor museum; a building with a vast array of the planet's history. You will enjoy the spellbinding pices that you see there. We shall meet again in ten minutes.


I can see that a few of you wern't happy with the Hacknor Museum. You just saw three or four volcanic lava rocks? What do you expect on a Fire Island? Dinosaur remains. Some people are never satisfied.

Now we are going to make a slight detour to a souvenir stall, where Dr Watson will try to palm you off with some useless rubbish...I mean valuable keepsakes of your happy time on Hacknor.

Have you all bought a souvenir? Pablo won't let anyone back on board the hoverbus unless you have.

All right, it's time to head back to our starting point. Thank you for touring with us on Hacknor, and will want to do so again in the future. Please tip us generously, as Dr Watson and I haven't had any money in doing this.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

That is it.

Ladies and Gents,

Well, Fluke Starbucker just judged us. I got slammed, so I don't get mad I get even.

As Fluke and Hudson are enteraining each other telling knock knock jokes. Well, they are only getting as far as knock knock and who's there.

Then they start giggling like doofs.

I steal his lightsaber and replace his green crystal with Folgers flavor crystals.

Lets see if he finds out.

If anyone wants this lightsaber crytsal. I will have it on Hbay later in the week.Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

The End of Challenge #5

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, twelve brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your host Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and I have some startling developments to report! I am just outside of the judges' trailer, just a mere meter away from where an argument of immense magnitude has just erupted! These trailer walls (tap tap) can scarcely contain the noisy altercation brewing inside. The two judges are really going at it, too. Maybe if we listen closely, we can hear some of it still going on..."

"You empty-headed bolt tightener! I should give you whatfor for your inferior, imbecilic judging! Because of your incompetent buffoonery, there is still no winning team selected!"

"Who are you calling an incontinent baboon? I'll show you what I do to the rusty nuts that get stuck too tight!"

"I am not scared of you! You are nothing more than a fair-haired pretty boy and a wannabe! I would box your ears, but I doubt that you are even competent enough to stand there and take it!"

"Lissen here, paly-O! I am the Founder of the New Jedi Order Wannabe! WANNABE! I know stuff that would make your hair curl and your lips turn red! Like how you look when you get ready for bed at night! You wouldn't stand a chance boxing one of my ears, let alone all three of 'em!"

"You have a point there, and I'm not just referring to the one contained within that greasy, dirty space helmet! I would never be able to engage you in fisticuffs for I am a follower of the Queen's rules! A soiled barbarian would never understand the complex rules of the sweet science."

"A soiled librarian? I can't believe you'd call me that!"

"I didn't say soiled librarian, you jabbering fool! By god, you are dense."

"What do you mean, a Jell-O filled pool?"

"Not Jell-O filled pool, you dummkopf, a JABBERING FOOL!"

"Brandon Tartikoff?"

"Arrrgh! Just choose a name! Just choose ONE name!"

"Fine! The one name I choose is Balfour J. Krinkles!"

"What? Who the Hel is Balfour J. Krinkles?"

"Well he's gosh darn nobody you'd know!"

"All right, all right... Could you just choose a contestant? Just say someone's name who is on the show already."

"Oh. Well, why didn't you just say so? I choose Gyrobo because not only did he provide a great laugh, he also got me a delicious Wendy's Frosty!"

"Well why didn't you just bloody say that in the first place?"

"'Cuz I've always gone against the Simon Says grain, so neeener-neener!"

(Muttering under breath) "Idiot."

"There you have it folks! The winner of this challenge is Gyrobo! Gyrobo has secured immunity for his team. All contestants must now choose who from Team Vaniquer will be voted off. Please get your votes in by Thursday so the next challenge can be posted Friday. Thank you."

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Don't be the last person on your block to get a PblHOK, get one today! Don't forget to say "E. WBAPU" when you get yours!

(PblHOK, PAAYTA 1926)

Well It looks like I owe Simon an apology

After I called Simon a Girl scout and And well look at him he looks like one . Tak said something about Simon with women of ill repute. Then Simon starts bragging about the women he sleeps with , What really grabbed my attention was he talked about a Woman with Aqua hair dressed in a Bunny outfit.

I just laugh at him, saying" There is no way a worm like you can handle a wildcat like her. You would be dead before you actually got started."

Well as I was walking past the room the Simon uses while on Hacknor I heard giggling and other noises. Then she came out.
I didn't know there was another aqua haired woman on the planet in a bunny suit . Well all I can say is you have odd taste in women Simon.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Starbucker: Funny, thou art revealed.

Funny is good to me. Funny is good for me. Funny is my friend. Funny and I go way back. I have a broad appreciation for that which is funny to me – so broad, in fact, that I dare not attempt to list everything I find funny here in this entry.

Ok, it's not that broad. Here goes.

Irony; wordplay; pics or descriptions of familiar characters in unfamiliar settings; pics or descriptions of familiar characters responding and/or reacting in surprising and uncharacteristic ways; poking light fun at others; other's misfortune that doesn't result in significant injury or death; satire; politics; self-depreciation; anecdotes; colloquialisms; onomatopoeia; malapropisms; euphemisms; spoonerisms; oddities; useless trivia; the disproving of aphorisms; limericks; clichés; absurdity; plain silliness; proverbs: good, bad and annoying; propulsion by flatulence; and literally anything rednecks do right after exclaiming "Hey, y'all, watch this!"…

Hm, I guess that's actually pretty broad after all…but what's really cool is that virtually anything can be 'funny', if it follows a properly executed set-up. I'll not demonstrate here.

Here now, is a quick example of 'funny' and 'not funny', in my eyes:


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'Not funny': Yes, it's cute, but still not funny:

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'Funny', because he just said, "Hey, y'all, watch this!":

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To further complicate things - some things that aren't funny can sometimes be made funny with a slight adjustment.

Now, I know this is a lot to throw at you all at once, and I'm not gonna always be around to explain this, so - if you're ever curious as to what's funny and what's not funny, just check out my blog… the recent stuff AND the archives. It's not all that funny. Normally, the stuff directly opposite of what I post is funny.

Now, let's move on to the individual feedback that I promised. For those of you that I didn't laugh at: DON'T GET ALL BENT OUTTA SHAPE! It's nothing personal.

Xavier: while I do very much enjoy the misfortune of others – like your sidekick there… it was actually the delayed realization of the irony in your post's title that aroused my laughter. Good job.

Local Henchman: You must've forgotten that my light truly shone in the 70's, when the only outfits that existed were mistakes. Sorry, no laugh for you… and, do you think my teeth are bad, or something?

AOC: yep, those were some lame-o one-liners. How did you know I liked lame-o one-liners? I even forgot to mention that in my description of 'funny' above. Good Job.

Vegata: Cross-dressing is no laughing matter… unless there is a romantic plot line with a love interest that is unaware of the actual gender of the object of his (or her) affections. Like the romance that blossomed between these two for months and months before the bomb was dropped:

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Now THAT was funny. You did give a nice try though, but alas, no laugh for you. *shrug*

Erifia: It pained me to discover the anguish that you went through to try to make me laugh, and I was more concerned than amused that you imagined Obi in pirate underwear, but anyhoo – you pulled out the feminine wile bribery at the end of your post, and that's what did it for you… so, 'haha!'. Now then, gimme that kissy-kissy…. mwah, mwah, mwah.


Magdalena: Good one! A prank! You set-up that fool with a mere coin! Then you threw in some pic manipulation, and invited me to kick Hudson's butt! If there weren't others following you that I needed to judge, I would be inclined to proclaim, "Game Over!" Good job.

Aayla: I didn't get it. No rhythm, no rhyme, no real humorous elements. Next time, give me a clue as to the tune, or at least describe the meter. I guess it was a fair summary of the LGS blog and competition - but there's certainly nothing funny about that! I'm sorry, but I came away from it thinking I should be feeling warm fuzzies - as if I'd just attended a LGS 10 year reunion. But I didn't want to attend an LGS 10-year reunion… and didn't want or really even get warm fuzzies. Sorry. No laugh for you.

Gyrobo: Political reality at it's finest. You knew who to turn to when you needed help. While it was clearly a factual post, Macaulay Culkin's appearance without Michael Jackson on the hot Oregon Trail did in fact, pull through for you. Eeeee.

Jean-Luc: Lame-o one liners never get old for me. The only thing missing was the one where everybody wondered what Spock found in the toilet of the Enterprise, and the "Who's on the bridge" gag. Good Job.

So, there were 9 entries, and I laughed at 6 of them. What's all this mean Jon?

Starbucker Out

Simon: Judgment

Well, since this is ‘make Fluke laugh’, I figured you all would sink an even lower level than I’d seen previously. The drivel you produced proved my suspicions true.

Xavier: weak attempt, a cow knock knock joke?

Henchman: That’s it? That’s all you had?

A.O.C: There are many elements to humor such as content, delivery, a good punch line. Perhaps you should try some of those elements. Your jokes sucked so impressively that there is a line of women on 42nd St who want lessons.

Vegeta: How droll, women’s clothing. That’s only funny to frat boys, and usually it’s only funny because they are sauced beyond comprehension.

Erifia: Usually imagining you in something less than your dancer outfit tides me happily past anything you might say or do, and with your lush assistant, it almost worked. Yours is not a sharp wit.

Maggie: Puerile.

Aayla: That wasn’t Fluke laughing you heard, it was him trying not to choke on his vomit; your song was that bad. It seems you can neither do drama or comedy with any skill. Perhaps you should retire to a cave and spare us all your public displays.

Gyrobo: For once I actually understood what you said and managed to pay attention through the whole thing. Not bad, actually, it was almost good

Picard: Not bad, not good, but not bad. Might I recommend some powder for your head, you’ve blinded several of our camera crew and it’s hard to find replacements on this Force forsaken planet.

Well, there you have it. Fluke will make his choice with no influence from me, which is good; it’s a waste of my time to argue with a man whose sense of humor lies almost entirely in the realm of fart jokes.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Starbucker: Read 'em and weep.

Oh, wait... that's not a proper title for this post... I should name this something else...

"Starbucker: Who is the Last Comic Standing?" - no... that doesn't fit really, either... cause even if only one made me laugh, several would proceed on to the next round.

"Starbucker: Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Mo, catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers make him pay, fifty credits every day. My mama told me to pick this entry right here." - no, that's not it either... I didn't use that method today.


"Starbucker: These stretchy pants are too tight" Wait... that's for another day...

"Starbucker: lame guest judge with an idiot's sense of humor"

Yes! That's it! Ok.

Uh... how'm I gonna do this?... and how's Jon gonna dole out immunity and stuff, or whatever he's gonna do?... I mean, clearly more than one can make me laugh... heck... ALL of them have the potential to make me laugh... hmmm... I guess I'll just read 'em, and honestly laugh... or honestly not laugh, as the case may be... and let him deal with that. After all, that's what he makes the big bucks for, right?

Ok, let me begin by saying how much I really appreciate being here today. Thanks Jon. You've really assembled some fine contestants for this show and they've really made it a winner... uh, btw... did you not get the application I sent?... The one that I sent so I would to be able to participate in the LGS contest? It seems the big fat entry fee check I sent with my application got cashed... what's up with that?

Well, Jon, I tell ya what - nevermind that for now... we'll talk about that later. *cracks knuckles*

Contestants, I've really enjoyed watching your participation thus far - do keep up the good work. I know what kinda RL sacrifices must be made for something like this, and I commend you on your commitment. Heck, while I was in BB:Naboo, and Survivor: Tattoine, my farm went without a nut or bolt tightening for weeks at a time... I lost some serious income and my shrubs got waaaayyyy out of hand. But, I digress. I guess what I'm trying to say is - Keep up the good work. As mama used to say - "Don't let the fat lady hit you where the good Lord sings." Or something.

Anyhoo, without further ado (which, I guess is what this post has been up until now), please check the comments of your post. There you will find a comment link that I left. This comment link will lead you to a picture of my initial expression upon reading your post. Then, either later today... or possibly tommorrow, I will post again. But my next post will offer insight as to what I define as funny - and further insight and feedback for each of you individually as to why I did or didn't laugh, as the case may be.

Fuse the Spores!
Starbucker Out

Friday, June 23, 2006

Laughter Time

Now was the time to get this Fluke character laughing so much the tears were running down his face.

This was a tough job.

I consulted my sidekick, Doctor John H Watson.

"Well," he says, "Holmes and I always went down the music halls to see the variety that was there. The audience laughed like drains there."

I go and bput on a stripied blazer, a straw hat and carry a cane. Watson is similarly dressed. We are a double act, with me doing the laughs.

"What is a dentist's favourtite instument?" I ask Watson.

"I don't know?" he replies cheerily,

"A tuba toothpaste!" I say happily.

Not a murmer from Fluke.

"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?" I ask.

"I don't know, What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?" replies Watson.

"A stick" I tell him.

We both fall about laughing, but Fluke is doing a statue look. If he was an android, I'd think he'd had his sense of humour chip removed.

Then I think I have idea.

"Let's give him humour about something he knows...."

I consult my "Bumper Book Of Jokes"

"Why did the Stormtrooper start jumping up and down?He stepped on Ant-hillies!"

A flicker of a smile there, I think.

"What goes, "Ha, ha, ha, haaaa.... AGGGHHHH! Thump"? An Imperial Officer laughing at Darth Vader."

A big beaming smile from Fluke. I can see he's trying to contain himself.

"What side of an Ewok has the most hair? The outside."

I can hear him starting to laugh loud now. Time to go for the jugular...

"How many stormtroopers does it take to replace a lightbulb? Two; one to screw the bulb in, the other to shoot him and take the credit."

The tears of laughter from Fluke are running freely. Mission accomplished and a possible booking on Coruscant.

Professional Help

"Good evening, Mr. President."

"Good, uh... evening?"

George Bush looked up from the dominoes he was setting up in a spiral around the center of the oval office, first at me, then at the window. It was clearly morning.

"Mr. President, the nation... is in crisis."

"No it's not."

"I don't have time to debate this!" I shouted, pounding my fist against his desk like I've seen done in far too many movies. "I need to make a jedi laugh by the end of the week or I'm toast! Do you have any idea what it's like to lose a challenge... on your own turf?!"

There was a long pause. Then he got mad. I could see it in his eyes, the subdued rage. He stood up, kicking over the carefully constructed domino setup.

"I take it Dick Cheney told you about the Laughter Barn?"

"He tells me many things." I pulled out my camera phone from my coat pocket, hoping he would show me some kind of easily reproducable stunt, similar to the "I'm a space alien!" prank he pulled at the U.N. last year.

He sighed. "I guess it was too much to hope for that Dick Cheney would keep his mouth closed."

"Yes. It was. Now, without delaying me further, tell me the secret to perfect physical and situational comedy!"

"Hah!" he laughed, leaning back in his cushioned swivel chair. "Not even I know that. You'll have to take it up with Cheney."

"Noy jitat!" I slammed my angry fists across his desk, breaking his entire collection of porcelian dog figurines.

"Rover! Octavian! Nooooooo! Why did you do that?!" he cried, reaching down to pick up the shattered remains of his 19th century antique My Little Doggie© action set.

"I did it for the money. Dick Cheney and I have been talking for quite some time." I grimaced as tears flowed from his eyes as he tried to put together a poodle wearing a vest using krazy glue. "He already took me to see the Master of Comedy. I learned nothing that day. In fact, I forgot a few things."

"Elmer, why aren't you working?!" George sobbed at the glue bottle, the label starting to peel off. "Octavian! Hang on!"

"This can all be over, you know." I held a gallon tub of rubber cement in front of his tear-streaked face. "They'll be good as before. Just tell me what I want to know."

He sniffled and wiped the corners of his red, puffy eyes.

"Karl Rove! Go get Karl Rove! He knows funny, I saw him do a trick with a hat once!"

"Thanks for your help, citizen." As I walked out of his office amid the cries, I glanced a figuring that was only half-broken. Crunch!

"Ahhhhhhhhhh! Why?! Why?!"

"That was for the Canadian softwood lumber exporters."


"I can't believe he didn't smile once."

"Don't worry about it," said Karl Rove. The man's plan had backfired completely, covering Fluke in pig entrails. Why he thought the pig entrails were necessary, I'll never know. "I'm sure Fluke was laughing. Everyone else was."

"You've failed me, Karl!" I thundered. "And you already know what I do to people named Karl who fail me!"

"No! Not-"

"I believe we're finished here."

Even though I couldn't see his face, I knew what was written all over it: fear. As I reached for the door to the convention center, I stopped.

"He's all yours, Oregon Trail."