Wednesday, August 30, 2006

A Subtle Rebuttal

In response to Henchy's character assassination...

Henchman stated, "Erifia hates you. She leads children into her Ginger bread house. "

I say, I don't hate you. At all.

And those children had it coming, they kept pulling on my Lekkus, so I had to take them and let them eat something to leave me alone.

Henchman claimed, "Erifia pimps Stewie."

Yeah... Okay? So. He asked me to. He wanted an adult to sell him out.

Henchman said, "Erifia kicks puppies."

I love to! More than most things. Especially those poodles, and the little yippy dogs that go, "Yap Yap Yap!"

I have punting competitions with people like Vegeta.

Henchman said, "Erifia hates your teeth. She feeds hard candy to the homeless and makes them fight for canned yams."

I don't hate your teeth, honestly. But I do feed hard candy to the homeless, its usually all I have on my person that's food.

And when I make them fight for canned yams, I charge admission, and then I give the credits I make to the nearby homeless shelter.

He also yelled, "Vote Henchy!"

When he said this, he was very drunk, see what he actually meant to say, (Had he not hit the liquors so hard) was...

VOTE ERIFIA!

If you'll excuse me, I've got to go kiss hands and shake babies... Scratch that... Reverse it,

Hugs (For the Girls) and Kisses (For the Boys),
Erifia Apoc

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The Final Challenge, the Vote

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, twelve brave contestants will compete.
Two remain, but there can be only one.
Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be




This is it folks. All contestants and judges email me at joninterglad@hotmail.com to vote your choice for Last Gladiator Standing.

Will it be Erifia or Henchman?

You decide!



Last Gladiator Standing was brought to you in part by the New and Improved Deer Gun.

The New and Improved Deer Gun, get one!

Vote Henchy

Ladies and Gents,

I ask that you ...


Vote Henchy!


Henchman aims to be the Last Gladiator Standing

Erifia hates you. She leads children into her Ginger bread house.

Erifia pimps Stewie.

Erifia kicks puppies.

Henchman wants Dental for all.

Erifia hates your teeth. She feeds hard candy to the homeless and makes them fight for canned yams.

So for the good of life as we know it.

Vote Henchy!



This was paid for in part of vote henchy.


Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Final Challenge! (Part Three)

Part 3 of 3

Read here to find out what lead to this.


I woke, I dawned all of my new clothes, and my new sabers. I received a message.

“Darth Inferna. You are to report on Genosis. Count Dooku needs your assistance in battling against the clones and Mace Windu.” Said a heavily cloaked figure.

“Do I have to call you master? Its very sexual sounding coming from me a woman, and at the same time demeaning putting a man above me…”

“Uh… Uhm… You may call me Sir… But don’t let it get out.”

“Yessir. I will assist Dorko immeadiatly…”

“Dorko…” he laughed, “I love it.”

“Uhm… Sir. One quick question. Who are you and Where may I find you?”

“Clever Darth Inferna. But I know you will go back to being a Jedi tomorrow. I can’t tell you that.”

“Okay…” I sighed.

I kicked my Langorian Ship into its special Hyper Thrusters. I arrived at Genosis from Hacknor in a moment’s time.

Then I paused. I had seen something. I put the ship in reverse. On a nearby meteor a kid was sucking on a lollypop and waiting for the space-bus.

I got out, and he looked at me wide eyed. I grabbed his lolly-pop and threw it out of the protective air barrier. He began to cry.

“Heeheheheheheeee.” I laughed gleefully… Really need to work on my Sith Laugh.

I got back on my ship, and went back to Genosis. I landed. It was odd, walking into a droid controlled compound.

Droids. Who can’t feel fear, were afraid of me. Well. The Jedi Me. I had killed so many of them, it was like a virus programmed into their computers.

Dorko arrived to great me.

“It’s a pleasure to have you with us Darth Inferna.”

“Where are they and who do I have to kill?”

“They are beyond the compound walls, and there are quite a few of them.”

I walked past him, and extended my two red lightsabers and I rushed forward.

The first clone near me said, “Its Darth Inferna. All on her.”

My how word travels. I threw both sabers, and began to spin them around me in a hurricane of red light. Clone after clone fell. Right and left.

Several of them began to fire, quite a few snipers. With my hurricane of red sabers, I had a protective barrier. I grabbed a pistol from a fallen clone, and I held it steady, and released five well placed shot as the five clones all fell landing with a thud at the bottom of the cliffs.

“Whew… I’m done for the day. If I had any hatred for the Republic it was all gone after that mess,” I said aloud to a droid who kind of looked at me funny.

I threw one of my sabers and embedded it in his chrome CNS. I called it back.

“Darth Inferna, hold your fire,” another computer voice spoke.

“I’m a sith, I’ll kill you droids if I want to,” They all took a reflexive step back.

I began to walk backwards, then I felt a familiar presence and saw a purple saber from the corner of my eye.

Windu…” I saw him. He saw me. We met eyes.

I reached out with force choke, and he avoided it. He rushed forward, and I blocked his blade with mine, and I made a thrust for his stomach. He jumped back.

“You’re much better than any sith I’ve ever met…”

“That’s because, I am better.” I guess I need to work on my sith witty banter.

He leapt into the air and came screaming down. I took a step to the side and he fell face first into the dirt.

“Now to put you six feet under it Jedi!” That was better. Then I released my villainous laugh, “Muhahahahahaha!” Much better.

I released a couple fist fulls of Force Lightning. It struck him, and he coughed, and rolled over. I didn’t stay to see if he would make it out alive. I thought it was like a tradition.

I walked back to Dorko.

“You’re amazing.”

“No. You suck. That bad. Now. I’ve got to go. Goodbye.”

“But Inferna… I love you.”

I pretended I didn’t hear him, I didn’t want to hear him and I went to my ship.

If you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to LGS, and attone for my sins,

Sith Hugs and Sith Kisses,
Darth Inferna

Note to self - When I’m a jedi again, I’m going to make sure I get those poor clone’s memories imprinted on a tabula rosa set of clones.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Final Challenge! (Part two)

Part 2 of 3

Read here to find out what lead to this.

I woke bright and early. Time to become a Sith. When Becca the Magnificant walked into the room, I had to do double take. She looked weird.



“Becca, what have you done?”

“I don’t know… I guess since you became Sith, I had to become a minion, right?”

“Okay… So what is the first and most important part about being a Sith?”

“I don’t know…Your Midi-Chlorians all being in line with the dark side… Having the negative emotions to fuel them?” She asked.

“WRONG! Your name. That’s what really make a Sith, is the name. It has nothing to do with Midi-Chlorians…”

“I don’t know… It would make more sense…”

“No, No, No. I mean if someone has the name Darth Maul. Than you know they are tough, right? Or… At least somewhat tough.”

“You mean Herbert?”

“What?”

“That’s his first name, Herbert Maul… I don’t know…”

“No wonder the dude is twisted, okay, how’d you know that?”

“I don’t know… Internet.” She responded.

“What about Darth Apoc?”

“I don’t know… Not every threatening. What about Darth Erifia?”

“Yuck. I wouldn’t soil my good name with that…”

“But Apoc is your name…”

“That’s my dad’s name.”

“Okay… So a name. Uhm… I don’t know…”

“Darth Firerage.”

“Why don’t you just name yourself Dark Lady Firerage and go to Middle Earth?”

“What?”

“I don’t know…” She looked really innocent.

“What do you think? No. Don’t answer that. I will come up with a name. Darth Inferna.”

“Wow… I like it…”

“So do I, That is wicked Badness.”

“I don’t know… You don’t look like a Sith Lady. You look more like a Jedi. You need to change your look, lose the third lekku…”

“How about I decide… Let’s start with a picture of myself at nighttime…”



“Now I need my Third Lekku, but lets make it a snaky looking thing.”



“Now, we need a change of outfit…”



“Now, I need some wicked bad red lightsabers.”



Amazing. I look pretty wicked evil… I like it. It’s a new look for me. Now…

If you’ll excuse me, I need to find these clothes and do makeup and find another red lightsaber, and a whole host of other things…

Sexy Hugs and Tight kisses… Scratch that, reverse it,
Darth Inferna

Ps. 9

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Final Challenge! (Part one)

A challenge in three parts.

I stood, a length of floor between me and my challenge. Well… Really between me and choosing my next challenge. I walked up to it.



“Don’t I know you from somewhere?” I asked it.

“Know me you do not,
Now reach in, give it a shot.” It spoke.

“Are you sure? You’re the Harr-“

“Do not speak of that,
Reach your hand into this hat.”

“You’re double dipping… Aren’t you? Okay. I’ll reach in and pick a challenge.”

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

“What is this?” I asked.

“Put it in instead of his task,
Now pick again, I won’t ask.”

“That’s annoying, okay…” So I reached in and grabbed another sheet of paper. I read it aloud, “Ask your sidekick to tell their life story. No.” I shoved it back in.

“Do that you can not,
Haven’t you been taught?”

“I have but I don’t want to listen to fifteen hours of ‘I don't know.’” I reached in again, and I read it again, “Make the players Race through Hacknor. Did Jon use this to pick our challenges?”

“Jon this hat did use,
And my power you abuse.”

“Shut up you stupid hat,” I reached in and grabbed another, “Become the opposite sex. No, I am picking another.”

“If you get caught,
We will both be shot.
Whatever this time you pick,
Is with what you will stick.”

I grabbed it out and I read it, and I went to a paler shade of sky blue.

“What did you get?
Don’t keep us in suspense.”

“I’ve got bad news, and I’ve got worse news. The Bad news is, your rhyming meter is off, The worse news is my challenge, ‘If you are a Jedi, you must Become a Sith. You have one day to prepare, and the next day to be.’”

If you’ll excuse me, I have to go get a good night’s sleep as a Jedi…

Jedi Hugs and Force Kisses,
Erifia Apoc

This Is It.

Ladies and Gents,

This is it. The one for all the marbles.

The end of the L.G.S.

What is the final challenge...

To pick some thing out of a hat...

You have to be kidding me. Maybe I will fight a dragon or something cool.

Ok. I place my hand in the hat.

I get...

...

...

Dr.Phil.



What the Heck. I have to go on the Dr.Phil show.

"Jon". I scream at the top of my lungs.

I turn and see Hudson hand Jon a ten spot. Jon, is laughing his head off.

I sigh and shake my head. The Show will be done on Hacknor. It will happen tomorrow.

Dr.P. : " Now welcome our guest for today. Last Gladiator Standing finalist, Henchman."

* Lights going on for the Audience to boo*

Boo.

Dr.Phil smiles off camera. Then says." Now, now. Let's give this unfortunate young man a chance, here."

H.M. : "Thanks."

I am going to kill you, Jon. Kill you dead.

D.P. : " Come here son, and explain yourself."

H.M. : "Excuse me."

D.P. : " All this bad behavior, Did Daddy not love you. Or a you just a bad seed."

I look around shocked. This guy doesn't know me, but he's gunning for it.

D.P. : "Answer the question."

H.M. : " Just who the hell do you think you are? " I ask with my temper rising.

D.P. : "Why all the anger. I am going straightin' you out boy."

D.P. : "Right after this break."



I start to shake.

D.P. : " Ok, we are back."

D.P. : "Henchy, you need to take control of your life. Stop blaming other for problems and get you act together."

* Lights goes on for applause .*

I lose it.

I grab the "Quack" by his neck.

H.M. : "Listen you goofy little bastard, I will not let you tear me down for ratings."

H.M. : "Am I a bad guy? Yes. Do I want your help ? No."

Dr. Phil start gurling.

H.M. : "Do I have issues ? Yes. But, I have friends to talk to, that want to help me in my life."

H.M. : "If I have problem, I will go to them. I will not be yelled at by a balding moron."

I toss "Dr.Phil" into a trash can. The Crowd goes bonkers and carries me on the their shoulders. Cheering.



Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The Final Challenge

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, twelve brave contestants will compete.
Only two remain.
Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be




"The last two.

This will be your toughest challenge yet."

Jon pulls out a hat and holds it out upside-down towards the two contestants.

"What is that?"

"It's a hat, Erifia."

"That's fairly obvious. What about it?"

"This hat, Henchie, is your challenge. Or rather, your challenge is within it."

"The challenge is in the hat?"

"It's in that hat. How about that?"

"Hmph."

"Within this hat are several pieces of paper. Written on each of those pieces of paper is a challenge. You are to take one piece of paper and complete the challenge on it."

"Unbelievable."

"Oh yes, this challenge could be anything. You may have to take Hudson out for ice cream sodas or you may have to tap dance for Queen Galacta. You may even have to babysit some monkeyboys. Who knows."

"You've got to be joking."

"Nope, I'm serious. Furthermore, all of the contestants as well as judges will judge this challenge. Who's going first? What will the challenge be? Will it be the lady or the tiger? That's a literary reference."

"No duh."

Stories of the Unexpected

Last Gladiator Standing was brought to you by Tales of the Unexpected.

Buy this at Amazon.com
Buy this at Publish America


Monday, August 21, 2006

Corruption of the Ignorant


“Really? I heard you could get up to 40 miles per gallon on those things,” Simon orated, taking a sip of his iced tea. It was one of the few times that his honed small-talking skills came in handy.

It was truly a beautiful day on the backwoods planet. The recent heat wave inflaming Hacknor’s fragile, paper-thin atmosphere had finally dissipated. Definitely time to just lay back and enjoy the summer. A few feet away, Simon could see Hudson floating by in an inner tube, sporting a pair of old-man sunglasses and a jumpsuit. Next to Simon, Randy Porkins downed yet another Pepsi. Ah, how he loves his diet wild cherry Pepsi. He purses his lips for another delicious, refreshing blast of flavor... but... what the dillio?!

“Hey!” Randy cried, interrupting their unimportant conversation regarding Yoda’s decision to purchase a hybrid war elephant. “This can is empty!”

“Of course it is, you silly man,” Simon laughed, bringing his own brimming beverage up to meet his own chapped, chapped lips. “You’ve drunk the whole thing! Ha, you and your soda-hunger!”

“No, man, I didn’t... I didn’t finish... what is this?!” he turned the can upside down and squinted hard. “It looks like someone drilled a hole in the side of the can!”

“No need to thank me!” I screamed, clamping my cold, clammy hands down on each of their necks at the same time. Randy let off a “ho, woah!” and did a double take. Simon wasn’t so fortunate and spent about thirty seconds coughing iced tea out his nose, convulsing like a slug under a salt-o-scope.

Clammy hands
Clammy hands... I've got those clammy hands...

“You!” Simon gasped mid-cough. “How did you get past security?!”

“There’s no time for that, man!” I shouted, pointing at Hudson’s inner tube; unscrewing the cap off a water bottle, Hudson raised it slowly... almost too slowly. “That man is out of time!”

Deploying my disintegration field generator, I fired a pinkish beam (is there any other kind?) at the colonial marine. A split-second before his mouth met with the plastic rim, Hudson’s water bottle vanished, its atoms scattered about the cosmos like so many neutrinos.

“My Evian!” Hudson screamed, accidentally capsizing the tube. I turned back to Simon and Randy. Surely Hudson could swim. He was, after all, captain of his high school lifeguarding team.

“Do you see?! Do you see now why it was so important to prevent you from drinking that Pepsi?!”


“Because... you’d vaporize us if we did?”

“No,” I groaned, pulling a blackboard out of my pocket. With a pretty big piece of orange chalk, I drew a tulip, and a catfish. “There!”

Randy rooted around in the cooler for another Pepsi. Little did he know they were all completely drained. Simon was paying a lot more attention to the board, as his inquisitive nature demonstrated.

“What do these two things have in common?” I asked, tapping the tulip and catfish, respectively. “Anyone?”

“They’re both poorly drawn.”

I shook my head in disgust, crocodile tears rolling down my spray-painted cheeks. The rubber radiation suit squeaked as it contoured to my spine.

“Back in the 16th century, the tulip saw Europe for the first time.” I rapped the board hungrily. “The lowest part of Europe, actually. The Netherlands.”

“The Netherlands are located in the northern-”

I didn’t turn my head back to yell at Simon, but I assumed from the abrupt delimitation of his sentence that Randy had intervened. Possibly a stare, perhaps a hand gesture. Either way, it was immaterial.

“When tulips first reached Europe, they were seen as worthless rubbish. In fact, the word ‘tulip’ comes from the Manx word ‘umogo’ which roughly translates as ‘superconductive metallic fluid.’”

“Was this before or after the English War of the Tulips?” asked Simon. If I’d been paying attention, I would’ve noticed the glazed look in his eyes. Months of working with me had allowed him to hone his ability to tune out non sequiturs and instead adapt them temporarily to his logical faculties. Randy hadn’t mastered that yet, so instead stuck to the old “chameleon” trick, blending as closely into the background as he could.

“After, but time travel was used to get tulips back to 11th century Scotland.”

“Of course! How could I have been so flame retardant?”

“It’s easy at your age,” I agreed, causing him to make the most saccharine face I’d ever seen on a judge.

I reached for another piece of chalk, yellow this time, and drew something that looked a little like Captain Crunch.

“This is—or rather, he was—the king of the Netherlands at the time tulips hit. At first, everyone loved them. The economy went... through the roof!” I yelled, shooting off a bottle rocket. Everyone loves bottle rockets! Go, rockets, go!


“And the king... did he ratchet the price of a single tulip bulb up to a thousand florins... out of spite?” Randy asked. He was finally starting to understand.

“Yes! The king of the Netherlands personally raised the price of tulips up to unimaginable levels just to cause an inevitable economic collapse!”

“But golly, professor,” Simon pondered, “why would the king want to go and do something like that for?”

King!
He was jealous... jealous of their eyes.

“I don’t know, Timmy. I really don’t know.” I bowed my head. “Wait, I do know!”

Tapping the board nonchalantly, I smiled at Simon and Randy’s expectant faces. “The catfish.”

“What about the catfish?” Randy asked, gripping the cushion of his poolside recliner.

“The catfish...” I began, peering over them.

“Yes?!” They both shouted in unison.

“The catfish... are a tasty treat from Louisiana.”

Their smiles instantly faded, turning into bitter confusion. Sliding my hands into my pockets, I handed Randy a photo of a panda, dressed in a tutu. As I walked away, I could hear Randy stuttering.

“I... I j-just wanted a Pepsi!”

“I know, big guy. I know. Professor!” He called. “Professor, what about all the cans of soda you drilled through?!”

“Subterfuge!” I shouted back, as my jet-powered time machine began to chime. As far as I could tell from the dials and cathodes, emptying all those cans had prevented World War III, and retroactively prevented World War II. It’s a good thing I care so much. And I do care... so much... about everyone.

It’s a shame it’s my destiny to destroy the world by making Superman retire. But the oracle is never wrong.

AOC: Heading Home

I am in my LGS room packing up the few belongings. MiniTak is helping me pack stuff up.

So boss man, What you going to do now?” He asks

The usual. Go back to Coruscant and await my next assignment. Other then that just lick my wounds and move on.” I reply unhappily

Well, at least you have the credits that the Henchman won for you. So it not a total loss.”

Yeah, about that money …” I start

"I am just getting excited about how much fun we are going got have when we get back to your home!” MiniTak is almost jumping up and down.

Oh Man this is going to be hard. “Mini, you know I can’t take you back. We are not allowed to have sidekick in the Grand Army of the Republic. In a way we are the sidekick or more likely theredshirts

So what that mean boss man, you going to put me up in a apartment? That would be great. My own place. Could I get minibar. Ha Ha I made a joke, boss man.” MiniTak responded happily

No. You have to stay here on Hacknor. I can’t take you back. It would take years for you just too clear customs. You will need to start a new life here.” I explained

MiniTak start to get agitated, “But boss man, what will I do? I am not going back to that Freaking Sidekick tent, No way no how. And I don’t want to end up with those stupid monkey boys. What will I do? ”

I have already talked to Jon. He said there are jobs around here for you that are non-side kick related. They need mini-bus driver, mini skirt models, mini-bike mechanics, mini-cam operators, Mini Coopers salesman and of course Minibar tenders.” I tell him

But boss man …” He starts with a twinge in his voice

No buts, my little friend. Coruscant and the life of a trooper is no way for you to live. I am also giving you all the money I made, so you can get started. I am positive you will do great.”

MiniTak sniffs a little, “I guess you are right! It will be neat to be my one guy for the first time. Maybe I’ll take that Minibar tender job, then I might get a little on the side.”

I just smile at him as I shoulder my kit, “That'll do, MiniTak. That'll do.”

My choice...

"Becca, help me..." I pleaded.

"With what boss?"

"Look, I've got to pick who I go to the final round with, and I've been thinking about it since last night when Jon announced me as the winner..."

"So... What have you been thinking?"

"Who should I take to the final round with me? There is Henchman and Tak."

"Isn't Tak that one clone trooper who works for... Uhm... I don't know..."

"Lt. Cmdr. Oneida?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay. So it is, I don't understand where you are going with this Becca."

"I don't know."

Somehow, I knew that was going to be her answer.

She spoke again, "Look Boss, its like this... Uhm... I don't know."

"Oh just shoot me in the head Becca..."

So Becca withdrew a blaster and pointed it at my head.

"BECCA!" I screamed, "ITS AN EXPRESSION!"

"Oh... As I was like, saying... Its like this... You and Tak are friends, right?"

"Yes, I consider him the only clone who is my freind, why?"

"What if the last competition is to fight with each other to the death?"

"Jon would do something like that..."

"I don't know..."

"So you're saying, rather than either being killed by Tak or killing Tak and never being able to live with myself, I should take someone who I only know from this show..."

"I don't know..."

I wanted to hit her, "Becca, so I should take Henchman?"

"I don't know..."

"So I should take Tak?"

"I don't know..."

"I'm going to go talk to the Tauntaun."

I walked over to his room but he was asleep. I left my ship, and went into the barracks.

"Erifia Apoc, report to Jon's office..." I heard over the intercom.

I walked slowly, very slowly, up to Jon's office...

Whoever said this was easy, was lying. I walked up to Jon's office...

"Hello Erifia, please sit down."

I sat down, and I looked at him.

"Who is it? Who are you taking to the final round?"

"Jon stop! Give me time..."

"You've had time, I know its a rough decision, but choose..."

"I can't believe I am going to listen to Becca but-"

"So you're going with 'I don't know'?"

"Funny Jon... No... I am..."

"Are you crying?!"

"I never cry. I'm Erifia Apoc. And I am asking for T...T..." I sighed, "I am voting for Tak to leave this week..."

"Are you sure?"

"No of course I'm not freakin sure, you give me two seconds to think..."

"Is Tak your final vote?"

"Yes, I'm sorry Tak... Becca's logic made sense..."

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get totally smashed,

Give me a hug, and I'll give you a kiss,
Erifia Apoc

Ps. 7

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Challenge #11, The Winner

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, twelve brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be





This is it gang. This is the moment you've all been waiting for. After this, we're down to the final two.



Three contestants, soon there will be two. The winner of this challenge is....



...We'll let you know right after this commercial break.




Beer Goggles!

Yeah, you know you want 'em. Go pick up a pair today.


We're back.


Before we get to the winner, let's take a moment to meet the contestants. Army of (Cl)One, also known as Tak. A clone trooper from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. He's here to show that a faceless soldier can be an individual, an extraordinary individual.

Local Henchman, from a shiny little blue planet called Earth. He's got mechanical arms, the power to summon demons, and a good dental plan. The one thing he is looking for is the respect of his peers. That as well as fortune and glory.

Erifia Apoc, A Jedi Knight from the same galaxy as AOC. A lithe and dangerous Twi'lek. She competes for reasons known only to her.

Now that we know who the competitors are, we can now tell you who the winner of the challenge is...


...Right after this commercial break.




Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink

Get some today, or he'll snap your neck like a dried up chicken bone.


OK, we're back. Time to tell you who the winner of the challenge is...

...Right after this commercial message.




Nuclear Fun Ball.

You'll get a charge out of it, 'cuz it's a blast!



OK we're back. Time to tell you who the winner is.


The winner of Challenge #11 is....


Erifia Apoc!


Erifia now has the honor of choosing her opponent for the final round.



Good luck Gladiators.

Friday, August 18, 2006

The End of Challenge #11

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, twelve brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be



That's it everybody, the final three contestants have posted. Who will be the winner of the challenge?


Will it be the mad as heck and not going to take it much longer Erifia Apoc?


Will it be the mad skillz of Local Henchman?


Or will it be the mad, mad, mad, mad world of Army of (Cl)One?


All viewers, judges, and contestants are encouraged to vote, winner will decide who gets the boot. Send your vote to me at joninterglad@hotmail.com.


Results will be posted on Sunday night at 7:00, Central Standard Earth Time.



Last Gladiator Standing was brought to you in part today by this cool looking robot thing.

Whatever you do, do it in style in this cool looking robot thing.

AOC: Two Men Enter, One Man Leave

I am waiting in the green room, watching TV. We drew lot and I get to enter the “Thunder Dome” last. I hear one of the LGS assistances coming down the hall and quickly try to change the channel

TV *… and that is how you make a pear glaze, and that a good thingclickAnd the Henchman is stunned flat on his back. After defeating over 20 opponents with a viciousness not seen here since …”*

The assistance opens the door “Mr. TK 266 you are up next. That was quite a display put on by The Henchman. You must be happy, considering what he said about you.”

Was she being sarcastic? What did I miss? Maybe I should have watched the matches? What the heck would The Henchman said about me? I hope it wasn’t too mean? I don’t know why he would, he a friend right? I hope the competition has not gotten the better of us?

“Mr. TK 266 are you OK, you kind of blanked out there for a minute. We have to go.” The assistance stated.

As I move out towards the Thunder dome, I see The Henchman being carried away on a stretcher. Yikes

As I enter the Dome, the roar of the crowd is almost deafening. The first Gladiator comes running at me. The announcer barks over the P.A system “…and the Yeti makes the first move.”

The Yeti yells at me as he charges “I’ll beat you like a dog for what you did, you little clone freak!!”

yeti

Why is this guy called the Yeti, he looks like a Mummy? As the rushes closer, I leap high in the air, flip over his back and grab a piece of this wrapping. The “Yeti” stops and turns to attack me again. I snap the wrapping a hard as I can and the “yeti” spins away from me.

“Looks like your game plan is unraveling!” I call out as the ‘Yeti” hits the end of the wrapping and disappears into dust.

I hear a high squeaky voice from behind me “I hate punks who uses really bad puns.”

I jump forwards, summersault, spin and jump to my feet. I am now facing the worst looking salt and pepper team in the world.

mabel

american dream

“Whoa, You guys need to hit Jenny Craig and a Stairmaster.” I exclaimed. Both begin to lumber towards me.

“No one talks to King Mabel that way.” The high voice squeaks.

“The American Dream will tear you apart” hollers the American dream.

“You know, I have heard that about what with the way the economy is going now.” I do a quick forward jump and smack the American Dream in the face and move away from his ponderous punch. “Also don’t use the third person when talking about your self, it is freaking annoying” I say to him.

“Don’t mock the American Dream” He yells at me. I spin kick Mabel in the gut, then leap out of the away of another slow powerful blow.

“Do you mean you or the prospect of buying ones own home?” I reply snarkily. I continue hitting and running.

“Stop …. Gasp …. moving ….wheeze …. so much ….gasp … you little jerk.” Mabel pants at me.

Both are holding their sides and bending over. “Yeah, we need to tear you apart for what you did to …” the American Dream clutches his chest and falls over “I’m … having … a heart attack”

Mabel moves to start CPR on him. When Mabel starts in with the Mouth to Mouth, I head to the door. Man that was easy. These Gladiators don’t seem so tough.

The crowd goes quiet. Too quiet.

I spin around in just enough time to get hit by a huge club. I sail 15 feet across the arena. The crowd goes wild.

minotaur

The announcer voice booms “And coming out of retirement (or prison if you want to be technical) is Marty the Minotaur…” the crowd roars their approval “… as some fans will remember Marty has that unfortunate incident that cut his career short. But now he is back. What a champion, folks!”

Hot Sith on a spit!! This guy is huge.

He comes running at me, damn, he is fast also. “I am going to smash you to jelly! After the way you treated Missy, you are going to be lucky if you can drink your meals through a straw!”

I roll out of the way from a flurry of club stokes. I manage to get up and run for my life as I yell to the booth “Joooonnnnnnn, THIS GUY IS TRYING TO KILL ME!”

The control booth can’t hear my calls, ok they were yells …. Uhh Ok Ok I admit it, they were screams of terror, like a 4 year old watching a Chucky movie.

I ran past a pile of weapons and grabbed a spear, spun and launched is as hard as I could. Marty caught it with one hand and broke it over his own head. I grab a sword and ran.

I see Missy in Marty’s corner of the Thunder dome.

cute gorgan

“So you’re not such a tough guy now? You seemed pretty brave when you were making Missy cry, you little toad.” Marty’s club whooshes over my head.

I yell back, “Why are you mad at me? She is the one who asked me out?”

“WHAT??? ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY MISSY IS A SLUT? ARE YOU TELLING ME MY LITTLE CUPCAKE IS A SLUT” Marty roared

While dodging his club and jumping in and out of the piles of junk, I reply “No No I would never even think something like that of such a pretty, intelligent, sexy …”

“Ha!!! So you admit that you were trying to get into her pants.”

*sigh* I may never try dating again. I do a jump/roll to get under Marty to slash at his legs, but he anticipates my move and punts me across the arena. This is starting to get old.

I get up and run as fast as I can. I see Mabel still trying to revive The American Dream.

I hear Marty behind me taunting “My buddy, Bane and the rest of the guys were going to smash you for me, but that Beekeeper got in the way. Kept going on like a teenage girl about how much he looooves you as a friend. Ha Ha Ha Ha. You’ll end up worse then that pathetic Yellow Jacket, when I get you!”

What? The Henchman got the cr@p knocked out of him because of me. Now that’s not right. I get a plan and run right towards Mabel.

Marty is right behind me and gaining. I jump over Mabel, swing the sword and nick him on his backside. As I hit the ground running, Mabel leaps up (spryly for a guy his size) just as Marty begins his jump. His hoof catches Mabel head.

A tumble of bodies rolls across the arena. I turn and jump up on Marty as he fumbles to a stop. I fling the sword at his club hand and begin to pummel him. The fall had stunned him and he doesn’t fight back.

I hear a scream of rage come from Missy and she charges the two of us. Just as she approaches in full medusa fury, I pull up Marty’s head, peel back his eyelid and turn away.

gorgon2

Missy screams again as Marty turns to stone and I run for the door at top speed.

Once out I tell a stunned Jon, “Don’t look at me, I’m not the one who turned him to stone.”

Now where is Hudson’s credit card? I hear the LGS bar calling to Erifa, The Henchman and me.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Looking Out For A Friend part II

Ladies and Gents,

Where we left off ; The Thunderdome freaks wanted to hurt Tak.

I will not allow that to happen. I went Jon and made him let me take them all on.

--------------------------------------------------------

I enter.

They charge...

The first one to get it, is the Giant Gonzalez. I catch him with a leg sweep, because the bigger they are...But before he falls, I hit him with a flying uppercut. As he's in the air, I jump 20 feet, catch him. We flip spin with his head, landing deep into the ground.

They back off for a minute.

BattleKat and The Shockmaster try a double team up.

Ha.

I become a blur, grabbing Shockmaster's arm. I break it at the elbow. He bends over in pain, I lock up just under his hips and toss him to BattleKat.

Some "no name" goes for a sucker punch from behind, After ducking, I elbow in the baby box.

They retreat to 10 ft away from me.

All of a sudden I hear " He just one man. If you follow my orders, I will tell you how to defeat him."



















Bane enters. " I was the one planning to destroy the one called AOC."

Great, so now the number is back up to 19 "Goofy Little Bastards" I have to put in place.

Fine.

The group huddles around Bane.

Then all at once they fly after me.

BattleKat is up again, He goes for a tackle, around my lower back.

I turn and knee him in the face. I love hearing that crunch.

OW.

Something hits me. Now my back feels wet.

That damn Kwang the Ninja is using weapons.

Wait. All of them have weapons now.

I pull the "Ninja star" out of my back. I smile.

I hit super speed. Dislocating limbs and breaking bones.

Now I am having fun.

Whirling roundhouses, spinning backhands, flying sidekicks and a great right hook are my weapons.

Max Moon is curled in a ball, holding his knee. I.R.S., I broke about four of his ribs. Kwang the Ninja is all that's left between me and Bane.

I shut down my powers. Kwang flips toward me. I give him a "Bothan special" and punch him in the throat.

It starts to rain.




Bane pumps up the Venom "This is a new mix, to make me even stronger."

" I don't care."

Lighting cracks the sky.

We storm towards each other.

Bane tries to get a grip, I twist his wrist to the outside. I follow with a clothesline.

I let him get up.

"Very good. You know how to fight." He say as he pumps more venom into his system.

He grows.

It doesn't help.

I hit Bane with everything; Punches, kicks, open hand, closed fists, elbows,knees and the ground.

As I clutch his neck. I beat his face to a purple mess. To hell with Jon's rules. I am going to kill him.

Jon sees my intent and stuns me with a full blast.

Bane asks " Why ?"






















I stumble back " He's my friend."

Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Looking Out For A Friend

Ladies and Gents,

While walking to the "Thunderdome Of Bad Wrestling Gimmicks"

I hear I.R.S.



Talking to the other other "would be's"

"Listen, if we take out that Stormtropper, we could really make a name for oursevles."

Giant Gonzalez and The Shockmaster agree to it.

G.G.: " We are going to break his legs. "

S.M.: " Then one one will take us a jokes anymore."

I was going to put those guys in their place...

But, I had a better idea.

Tak, was the only person who tried to be my friend here.

I will not let him get hurt.

I go to Jon.

Henchman :" Jon, can I use my powers ?"

Jon : "Yes, but you can't kill anyone."

Henchman : "Ok, give me everyone."

Jon.:" What ?"

H.M.: "Just do it."

An hour later there are 20 rejects in the ring.

I will take these guys down.

Hard.

I enter.

They charge...

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

If Wrestling is fake, why am I hurting?

“Hey King! There is going to be a dynamite 2 v 1 tag match today. This is a grudge match…” Jim Ross said.



“What do you mean?!” Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler.



“In one corner… We’ve got Erifia Apoc, all by her lonesome…”

Puppies!?” The King screeched, “Erifia’s a woman, right? Puppies! Puppies!”

“Yes, Puppies king… Erifia is new in IGL… Intergalatic Gladiator League, for those of who are new… But she’s currently been surviving on LGS. We are expecting the Jedi to come out swinging.”



“With her Puppies!”

“Yes king, with her puppies. This is also a street fight, so any weapons are allowed, and it’s a good thing for her, and her competitors.”

“Why’s that Ross, do they have Puppies too?”

“No, her opponents for the night are The Lekku Smasher, whose finisher is using a hammer to smash the lekkus of his oppenants….



… and the Mindless Beast, who can’t be manipulated because all he is a frenzied rage…”



The king screeched, “But, the Puppies!”

“Enough about the puppies already.”

My theme song began to play. It was The Imperial March. I walked down the aisle. I checked my lekku weapons, and entered the ring. I jumped over the third rope, and did a twi’lek dance in the middle of the ring.

“Weighing in at-“

“Shut-up!” I yelled at Jim.

“Her age is-“

“Shut-up!” I yelled again.

“Hailing from Ryloth, the Jedi Erifia Apoc.”

The next song to play was Black Dog by the Leaden Zepplin. There was a man coming down with a hammer.

“Weighing in at 225, the six foot six, wrestler hailing from Earth, The Lekku Smasher.”

He growled when he saw me… I gulped… My lekkus wiggled in fear.

“Weighing in at 450 pounds, the seven foot three beast hailing from Azeroth,

“Triple lekkus!” he yelled into a mic, “Triple pain!”

The next song to play was Carmina Burana. That’s when I saw the beast. This was going to be ugly. I was going to lose.

The rushed down to the ring together, and once they got into it, and in a double close line, sent me falling to the ground. The bell rung.

“Ooo! Double close line King…”

“Don’t hurt the Puppies!”

I rolled up, and I used my lekkus as whips, and hit the Lekku smasher with my weapons hanging on them. It sent him flying in a circle, and he struck the ground.

“What was that king?”

“I think that was The Spinning Lekku, we don’t often see that one here.”

I began to kick him as he was on the ground, and he grabbed my leg. And brought me to the ground. I hit it with a thump, and I tried to get out of his grip. He slammed his hammer on my shin.

I screamed in pain. He tagged The Mindless Beast and likewise, the beast got up and the top roped and did a full on dive onto my body. I doubled over from impact.

If wrestling is fake, why am I hurting?”

He pushed me down by my shoulders, and I quickly jumped my shoulder up as the Ref just started to count.

“She’s not ready to give up yet king…”

“And I’m not quitting until I see her Puppies!”

I pushed him off, and began to back away a bit. That’s when Lekku Smasher came up from behind and busted my head with a kendo stick.

I tried to protect my lekkus but he kept hitting and hitting.

I fell to the mat trying to catch my breath.

The Mindless Beast tried to pun me again. The ref got to two and three fourths before I threw him off of me. I began to crawl away. There was just one to many of them…

The Lekku Smasher hit my lekkus with the kendo stick again.

“This isn’t even right…” Jim said.

“It’s a beatdown, that’s sure… Maybe they’ll take off her top so I can see her Puppies.”

I began to crawl away. That’s when I saw the most beautiful sight my tear filled eyes saw. Becca the Magnificant was standing in my corner.

“Tag me! Tag me!”

I tagged her hand, and she came in, took one look at the beast, tried to read his mind, and turned tail, and tagged me.

“Thanks Becca…” I mumbled when I stepped back into the ring.

“That was Becca the Magnificant.”

“I don’t care who she is, she has Puppies!”

“Hold on a second,” I said to the Beast, “Just one second, I’ll be right back…”

Becca walked behind the king, and I took a steel chair, and smashed his head, and hit the table with a thump. Becca went to my corner, and I got back in the ring.

“Thanks Beast.”

“No Prob… You good?” He growled.

“You bet.”

The Beast swung his claw at me, and I did a backwards cartwheel, and Becca came up from behind and hit the Beast with a steel chair. He hit the ground, and I turned to the Lekku Smasher. He hit me with a kendo stick again, and I hit the ground again, writing in pain.

He then pulled out a sledgehammer. The crowd began to cheer… For him?

“Uh King! Uh King! This isn’t looking good for Erifia and Becca.”

He swung the sledgehammer down. He hit my thermal detonator…

“You idiot!” I screamed.

Jim yelled, “A thermal detonator! Who’d have thought…

I grabbed Becca, and ran from the ring as it exploded. Laying on the ground was both The Mindless Beast and The Lekku Smasher. The Beast stood, and charged at me. Becca and I hefted the massive flab into the air, and we double suplexed him. I ran over to The Lekku Smasher, and pulled him next to the Beast, and I laid on both of them.

“Oh the carnage, and she’s pinning both of them… Both of them!”

“One!” The ref said, “Two…” he paused for like a minute, “Three.”

I stood and he raised my arm into the air.

“I won!?” I screamed and questioned myself at the same time.

The crowd began to chant, “Puppies. Puppies. Puppies. Puppies…”

Becca turned, and she began to undo her top…

“…And cut to commercial,” Jon said, “That’s good. We got it all on tape. It’ll make a great show next week.”

If you’ll excuse me, I have to go and ice my lekkus,

Sweaty hugs, and softly placed kisses,
Erifia Apoc

PS. 0?!?!

Also... That idiot said puppies ten times.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Xavier kicks butt!!

I rolled into the ring and let out a savage yell. It really wasn't very loud, I suppose, but I wanted the screaming fans surrounding the Thunderdome to know that I was there.

My opponent, Mad Dog the Killer Clown, jumped down from the rafters and landed on the dirt ground with a loud boom. He looked at me and pointed a dirty greasy finger towards me. His whole body was covered with a thick film of sweat and grime. Obviously he hadn't bathed since . . well, ever probably.

doink

With a maniac roar he started beating his chest. Then he scratched behind his ear. I could see the fleas jumping ship. I think I know why they call him Mad Dog.

I rolled my chair towards the center of the ring, regretting that Jon wouldn't let me use my combat mode hover chair with heat seeking Stinger missiles. And after my sidekick Arthur had spent so much time polishing them.

Mad Dog loomed over me, an evil twisted smile on his face. A long shimmering strand of something dripped from his lower lip. His thick meaty fingers flexed in obvious anticipation. He was 300 pounds of solid muscle. I knew I could take him, even if there was a psionic dampening field built into the Thunderdome.

The announcer pulled back his little hammer and was about to ring the bell with it, when Arthur came running into the ring.

"Stop the fight! Stop the fight!" he shouted frantically.

"Arthur, this isn't a good time," I said.

He looked nervously up at Mad Dog and then leaned down and whispered in my ear. "Professor, you lost last week."

"Yes, I know. Don't worry, I'll make it up this week."

"No, you don't understand. You were voted off the show."

"Oh please, Arthur. You just don't know how these things work. I'll win this match and then they'll be glad to take me back."

Arthur looked over his shoulder at the drooling Mad Dog. He quickly turned back to me. "First of all, I think this pyscho behind me will kill you in about two seconds flat. Second of all . . you can't play. I'm sorry. You lost. I was rooting for you but that's just how it is sometimes. There's a shuttle waiting to take us back to Earth."

I looked over at the control booth and saw several of the producers frantically talking with each other and pointing periodically at me. Jon stood behind them looking at me. He just shrugged and nodded his head towards the exit.

Hmm. So it appears Arthur was right. I lost. Imagine that. I suppose that's it then. I'd best go catch that shuttle. Oh well, it will be good to sleep in my own warm bed again, I suppose.

Challenge #11

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, twelve brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be



OK Gladiators, this one is a little more conventional compared to the previous challenge.



Welcome to the Thunderdome!



The Thunderdome of Bad Wrestling Gimmicks!


That's right, you three must battle your way past the likes of:

Giant Gonzalez!

The Yeti!

Doink the Clown!

Battlekat!

King Mabel!

The American Dream!

The Shockmaster!

Bastion Booger!

Max Moon!

Repo Man!

Dr. Isaac Yankem DDS!

Kwang the Ninja!

(Say, what does it sound like when 230 pounds of crap hit the ring? Kwaaaanng!)

These wrestlers and so many more are waiting for you inside the ring. Battle your way out, work together if you have to. It's no holds barred, so the rulebook is literally out the window (figuratively speaking, of course).

Like the last challenge, all viewers will have the opportunity to judge.

And finally, because it is down to three, the winner of the challenge will decide who is voted off, as the other two votes would just cancel each other out.

Good luck.